I don’t really know why I came back here. I posted a long time ago about my marriage problems. I don’t see a way to save it and I feel so alone.
I don’t have the heart to repeat the difficulties that led to my coming here the first time. Since I left to concentrate on my marriage, we got into counseling. The counselor said he needed individual counseling and I needed to start thinking about if this is all futile. My husband was outraged that the counselor implied he had issues that needed counseling and he refused to return. Not like it mattered. He didn’t do a single assignment, no matter how easy.
The bad priest was supposedly out of our lives, but that meant he was sneeking around with him behind my back for months. The priest would call him at work so I wouldn’t know about it. Real godly.
He didn’t go to church anywhere for a long time, then went to a non-Catholic church just to spite me a few times. We just started going to church together at another Catholic church. He makes his opposition well known every week. He doesn’t participate at all. Except he still receives communion. I commented once about confession, but he didn’t care. This is a guy who was talking about being a deacon and he doesn’t pray at all anymore1
We tried coming up with lists, spiritual counseling, retreats, marriage books, but nothing has helped. It all makes it worse because he doesn’t want to do any of it so he resents me. It is a never ending cycle and it is driving me crazy! He insits that he wants to do what it takes, that he will do whatever it takes, that he can do what it takes and he doesn’t need any help, and he’ll start tomorrow. Then tomorrow comes and goes, he says sorry at the end of the day, and says he’ll start tomorrow. Tomorrow never comes. He’s really lying to buy himself time and doesn’t intend to do anything.
He’s living out of the house now. He doesn’t want to be because it hurts his pride and is inconvenient. All I asked is that he start working on things. No big miracles. Just take a step. He won’t. And it is all my fault. Everything is my fault. He says he’s been perfect. What kind of person says he is perfect? A lier or a delusional one.
I found out the perfect guy has $50000 in credit card debt. He had like 8 cards in only his name and had no clue how much debt he’d accrued. It was all stuff like restaurants, an ipod, gas, clothes for himself. The restaurants were either with large work functions that he could have opted out of or with the priest he wasn’t seeing. He doesn’t think he needs to change his lifestyle despite the debt. His parents offered him $20000 to leave me or $5000 if he stays with me. They’ll keep the other $15000 set aside in case of divorce.
I gave him an ultimatum yesterday. He had to start today. We talked about concrete ways he could do it. Call me over lunch, be on time coming home, be attentive to conversation, pray morning and evening prayers together, log in to simpleology and do one exercise. He didn’t do any and went out of his way to insult me. Then said sorry, he’ll start on Saturday. And t was my fault he didn’t start because he’s sure there is something I could have done differently even though he can’t say what.
It ended with him leaving saying he doesn’t feel like doing what is right, he knows and doesn’t care that what he’s doing is not godly but he isn’t “there” yet so oh well, but he’s willing to negotiate terms with me if he put his own wants and feelings first that he’ll consider informing me of most of what is going on with his life. And after he does whatever he wants, he’ll get to our marriage. Always tomorrow.
We have no communication left. He has a small handful of circular lines he’ll endlessly go through if I try to talk to him about anything.
We have another counselor set up for next Friday, but I don’t see the point. I’m done riding this roller coaster trying to rationalize with irrational and selfish feelings. I’m facing the fact that our marriage is over. I’m going to be a single mom. My dreams and goals are not going to happen. There is nothing more I can do. I feel so empty and alone. I grieve for my son’s future. I’m so tired.
Yet this little voice inside me says to try this or that again, like it might work this time. Why can’t my heart catch up with my head? All I wanted was for him to try. I guess I really came here to know that someone hears me and I’m not crazy to want a healthy marriage.