Dealing with a creepy sibling


#1

Easter is coming, and my parents want me to invite my brother and his wife over to our house. My parents and I are close. My brother and I are not.

My brother (32) is married but meets strangers for sex. He has had many affairs and does really vile things. His wife forgives everything. I am shocked by his behavior and told him so. He has stopped talking to me except for when my mom pressures him to talk to me or give me a "hello" courtesy call. He has a histrionic/narcissist personality disorder and is just crazy behind the scenes. He has emailed me some seriously insane stuff that makes no sense. He acts calm in front of my parents but is horrible behind the scenes and is just a very bad person.

My parents (in their sixties) do not believe me. Or they think I am too judgmental because I'd rather not spend time socializing with him.

I've four little kids. And he creeps me out. My husband says only to treat him politely when we meet at my parents' house but the heck my brother should come over. My parents think I am unreasonable and are blaming me for ruining the family peace and being cruel to my brother. I have been honest with them. My brother lies, cheats and steals, and it just about broke my heart when I found out all the darkness about him. It kills me to have to keep him at arm's length. He'd always been my baby brother until the mask was ripped off. I don't want to be estranged, but how can I be friends with a sibling who lies, cheats serially, makes fun of one's Catholic life, and essentially hates you? Geesh.

I don't have anyone to talk to about this. And I feel like the only sane person in our family. (My husband reminds me that he and the kids are my family, really. "You are 37, too old, honey, to worry about what your parents think!")

Does anyone know how to deal with crazy-makers in a family? Does anyone else have a mentally ill (and spiritually sick) person in their family? And no one faces it?


#2

Why not schedule a meal at a local eatery or park? Neutral ground.


#3

[quote="Kiki_Sis, post:1, topic:192626"]
Easter is coming, and my parents want me to invite my brother and his wife over to our house. My parents and I are close. My brother and I are not.

My brother (32) is married but meets strangers for sex. He has had many affairs and does really vile things. His wife forgives everything. I am shocked by his behavior and told him so. He has stopped talking to me except for when my mom pressures him to talk to me or give me a "hello" courtesy call. He has a histrionic/narcissist personality disorder and is just crazy behind the scenes. He has emailed me some seriously insane stuff that makes no sense. He acts calm in front of my parents but is horrible behind the scenes and is just a very bad person.

My parents (in their sixties) do not believe me. Or they think I am too judgmental because I'd rather not spend time socializing with him.

I've four little kids. And he creeps me out. My husband says only to treat him politely when we meet at my parents' house but the heck my brother should come over. My parents think I am unreasonable and are blaming me for ruining the family peace and being cruel to my brother. I have been honest with them. My brother lies, cheats and steals, and it just about broke my heart when I found out all the darkness about him. It kills me to have to keep him at arm's length. He'd always been my baby brother until the mask was ripped off. I don't want to be estranged, but how can I be friends with a sibling who lies, cheats serially, makes fun of one's Catholic life, and essentially hates you? Geesh.

I don't have anyone to talk to about this. And I feel like the only sane person in our family. (My husband reminds me that he and the kids are my family, really. "You are 37, too old, honey, to worry about what your parents think!")

Does anyone know how to deal with crazy-makers in a family? Does anyone else have a mentally ill (and spiritually sick) person in their family? And no one faces it?

[/quote]

If he is that much of a psychopath (Sorry, from what you've described-he seems it) I would say, "Call me if you want too, but your not allowed within 500 feet of my kids without armed guards". You have NO moral obligation to deal with people like that. The fact that he is your brother is sad-really sad-but he's not a stable person.

I'm blessed with two lovely sisters-sorry I can't relate.


#4

I’m totally trying to do the neutral thing! I am praying so hard that it’ll work out. Ugh.

And you know what’s sad? He really is as bad as it reads. It’s truly shocking. When the you know what hit the fan, I told my husband that I felt like one of those people in a bad made-for-TV movie, like when the sibling realizes they are related to someone so creepy. It has really been horrible. I feel like I have never known him. (My parents, in a moment of lucidity, have even said, “I’m surprised we haven’t seen him on the news.”) But because he comes off so charming and engaging and he’s good-looking, it’s easy to not see all the stuff underneath. And my parents cannot face the fact that their son really is this messed up. I feel so bad for them.

But no way can he be near my kids alone.


#5

Yes we do - and you're lucky to only have one. We don't meet w/ them at the house due to the children. Meeting on neutral ground has worked for our family. No hard feelings, but that's what we can swing. You could suggest that and have a place in mind that's convenient for them. Offer to make the reservation/arrangements- if you even have the time. If they don't agree w/ this, w/ out a sensible reason, then perhaps you're dealing with spiritual opponents, family though they may be. Listen to your husband. The well being of your children, not your folks, or your bro are your priority no matter how difficult it might be for you personaly. You have my sympathy about missing your brother and maybe you can meet him for a lunch visit. Maybe not - again it's just another suggestion that has worked in our family.


#6

[quote="Kiki_Sis, post:1, topic:192626"]
I've four little kids. And he creeps me out. it?

[/quote]

there is your answer. would not let him within 10 miles of kids I was responsible for. you don't want to be estranged from him? why the heck not?

and yes we do have some family members that make me want to save their letters and emails for the FBI when the inevitable happens (yes they have actually been reported but the law can't act until and unless they pose an immediate threat to themselves or others).


#7

If this guy isn’t decent enough to be around your kids, why not have an adults-only dinner the week after Easter—find your kids a sitter—and enjoy the Holy Day with your hubby and kids…


#8

Well if I was to approach such a situation, I would make sure I prayed a lot… Not just a little. I would pray a lot! I would pray for humility and love.
If you humbly submit yourself to the Lord and pray for His guidance you will be alright.
For your children, I’d say arrange for a babysitter or prepare to be around them the whole time keeping an eye on them.
I’ll keep you in my prayers.


#9

I second (or third) the advice of an adult only dinner. I would severly limit the exposure this brother has to your children.


#10

You and your husband do not want this guy in your house or near your children. End of story. Don't let your parents try and change your mind


#11

Nope, don’t have him over. I don’t think it’s necessary for you to have an adult-event later either, since you are not comfortable with him and he is so terrible to you. You just have Easter at your house with your kids. Your parents can either spend it with you, or they can choose not to go to your house and have him over to their own house. Their choice, but if a guy creeps you out around your kids, he needs to not be around your kids.

ETA: A little reminder/compromise for your parents - Easter lasts a long time. Whoever they can’t be with on Easter Sunday - well they’ve got another 7 days of the Easter Octave to celebrate.


#12

[quote="puzzleannie, post:6, topic:192626"]
there is your answer. would not let him within 10 miles of kids I was responsible for. you don't want to be estranged from him? why the heck not?

[/quote]

Yep. Along with Rascalking, Catholic1954 and ThyKingdomCome.
You and your husband and children come before anyone else; including your parents.
Don`t let anybody or anything spoil your family harmony.

Meeting on neutral ground seems like a form of surrender. Our Lord`s words about treating a wrong-un like a tax collector are appropriate.

im estranged from my two brothers; and if we dont see each other before Doomsday, then so be it. i`m not compromising for anybody!


#13

Hey, thanks everyone for the advice. I appreciated it so much! And yes, you guys/gals confirmed the fact that it’s my family first and to not worry about ticking off the parents … and a whole bunch of other stuff ya’ll said. :slight_smile:

Thanks so much! I’m new to the board and just dove in with the question without introducing myself. Oops. I was just, you know, needing advice so much!

I appreciate it, ya’ll!


#14

My Mother has the same problem with her brother.

He lies,cheats and steals.

He stole my ATV,he stole money from my SF,and he lies about everything.

I don't like a lier and thief.....I want go around him unless I have to.

He's 40 and still lives with my Grandparents and he steals from them and doesn't work,help pay bills nothing.:mad:

I can't stand him therefore I don't go around him.


#15

You have no obligation to allow your brother in your home. He is toxic for you and your family. Why don’t your parents host him?


#16

He's the baby? Sounds like he has led a life free of consequences. Didn't get any from your parents and doesn't get any from his wife. That's really too bad because it certainly has led him to think he can do whatever he wants without thinking about anybody but himself. You do not have to cooperate with that. Sounds like keeping him at arm's length is what would be best for everybody: you, your kids, and even your brother.


#17

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