Dealing with a friend


#1

My friend, G, and I went through a point in time where we were sexually interested in one another. He was engaged to another women, but would show me physical affection, and offered to have sex with me on multiple occasions.

He and I still talk, and he likes to engage in sexual discussions, especially involving his desire to experience homosexual sex again (he is bisexual).

I met him via the campus pagan group, but he was our “resident Christian” and was president of Campus Crusade.

Since I have returned to the Church, I try to steer our convos to other things, but he comes back to sex, how much he misses me, how much he misses homosexual “lovins”, complaining that his wife will not take care of the desires he wants (lets just say that it involves sex toys), wanting to know about my married sex life, etc…

We have not talked in several weeks (almost 3 months) and he randomly im-ed me. Engaging in the same topics as before.

Other than telling him to shove off, what can I do? I reminded him that his bisexuality is his cross and that he should offer up his suffering for others. He said I sounded like " a regular preacher" and went right back to asking me about DH and I’s sex life. I am about ready to cut him off as a friend.

Pray for him, his wife (I doubt she knows about any of this), and for me.


#2

Can’t you block people from IMing? —KCT


#3

Didn’t think of that.

I feel stupid.


#4

This must be very tough for you. You don’t want to be harsh with someone that you want to keep as a friend but it is always wise to keep some perspective and realize the ‘friends’ don’t continualy cross the line on issues that they know are not subject to discussion. It looks like he is trying to unload all of his burden on you and have you shoulder this for him. Even if he knows you won’t or don’t want to reciprocate, it seems like he wants you to ‘suffer’ his ‘suffering’ on top of whatever you are going through in your life.

That is just not right.
Just let him know that your in a place in your life that you will not engage in conversation that disrespects your marriage. That you will just have to hang up and end conversations if they cross that line. IMs won’t be responded to if they contain this sort of conversation.

You are putting the choice upon him in this relationship. If he want’s you as a friend then he will respect you, if he doesn’t then you will let his actions decide how much communication you have with him.


#5

One thing our permissive society didn’t teach us well was how to set boundaries and insist that they be respected. You don’t have to feel guilty when other people step over the line, just let them know calmly and politely that their behavior is unnacceptible and you’re not going to be subjected to it. It gets easier with practice. If they get offended, then you’re probably better off without their friendship. If they are truly your friends, they will respect your boundaries.


#6

So true.
I think he is getting the hint, however.
Especially when I made the comment about bisexuality being his cross to bear and offering his suffering for the conversion of others. That made him uncomfy (I could tell) and I think it cemented in his mind how much I have changed.
I was a moralless pagan when we met who looked as sex as something sacred and mundane, simultaneously. So I think ym change in attitude unnerves him, and he doesn’t know what to do. :shrug:


#7

This is a situaton that calls out for clarity and firmness. Your friend is in no way ready to undertake marriage vows given his continued curiosity about homosexual experimentation and his attempts to entice you into engaging in sexual discussions and/or contact that would violate your duty of fidelity to your marriage.

I would suggest that he postpone his nuptuals until he has stabilized in his orientation and ability to commit to one partner. I would also limit further contact with him in terms of exploring/discussing sexual matters. If he needs an outlet for that, he would be best consultig a therapist.


#8

Agree on the boundaries.

Tell him what you will not talk about anymore. Your sex life and his are strictly off limits. These conversations are inappropriate for both of you (married or single). If he continues to speak to you about it, then tell him communication stops.

You have grown so much in your faith and really don’t need this type of distraction in your life. Tell him you will pray for his struggles but that discussion of it is no longer welcome or encouraged. He should speak to a counselor or his wife for guidance. Good luck.


#9

I think the OP eluded that the friend is ALREADY MARRIED. We are all called to chastity whether married or not. Flirting with adultery is a grave matter. So is adultery of the heart, which seems to have transpired with this friend. Not taking evasive action can lead to culpibility. Jesus said ‘If your hand causes sin cut it off’, and in this case He is referring to this friend.


#10

Yes, he is married. I told him, before he got married, that he should wait. No one listens to me…


#11

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