Dealing with anger.


#1

For some reason I have become really angry and quite irritable as of late. I don’t know what is causing it, but my actions has led to my girlfriend’s parents hating me and calling me an abusive, dominant and troubled person. They have also told her that she needs to stay away from me because I will end up hurting her or killing her.

I do feel at fault because of the way I did react to certain things, but I never acted in a violent manner or threaten my girlfriend. My anger had nothing to do with her but from what others have done and said. I let it get the best of me and I would constantly complain and moan and want confrontation with these people.

They’ve always had it in for me, especially her mother. She would throw indirect comments (which were quite stereotypical and downright ignorant/racist) and she barely spoke to me or recognized that I was in the same room as her.

Anyway, I will get to the point.

I was wondering if there are any good Catholic Books or Scripture that would help me deal and understand my anger?

I know I should get some spiritual counseling, but at this moment the resources in this town are very limited. This place has about 80 churches and only 1 Catholic Church that has little or no attendance.

It seems no matter where I go trouble rears it’s ugly head. I sit down and wonder if it is ME, but I don’t think I am such a bad person. I mind my business, I work my butt off and I just like to relax in front of the computer and or read books. Whenever I am around people that is where the trouble begins. I despise the gossip, the slandering of ANY person and the whole he said she said. So… I react towards it in a negative way and I always end up looking like the arse.

Funny thing is that her parents swear up and down that they are the PERFECT CHRISTIANS, but they have already decided that they want nothing to do with me and have even tried to pressure her to PICK either them or me.

UGH! I get angry just thinking about that.

HELP!


#2

God bless you in your struggles with anger! I just prayed to Our Lady for you in this.

The best thing that I could recommend to you is praying the rosary. Offer up the suffering that her parents inflict on you with their thoughtless words and deeds. Remember that you cannot change how they treat you or what demands they place on their daughter. The only thing you can control is your reaction to them. What you do with the things given to you in this life is entirely up to you.

One important thing to remember: There are no perfect Christians. We are all just a bunch of sinners in one big sinner’s club. The important thing is that we repent and make amends to God for having offended Him. Our Lord Himself chose St. Peter as his Rock. St. Peter wasn’t able to make it through one night without denying Him, but he repented and Jesus accepted that.

You have a problem with anger, and they have a problem with prejudice and sowing dissention. From the Lord’s prayer: “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.”


#3

Please try to see all points of view in this situation. Most people’s parents are fairly protective; I don’t think they are trying to judge you or make her choose, but rather are trying to protect her from someone who seems unstable. If they are concerned for her physical safety, then perhaps you have a deeper problem that needs to be addressed with professional help–what could she have done to make you so angry? The first step is to apologize for whatever they saw/heard that led them to have a bad opinion of you, and then to explain why you behaved that way and how you will prevent future behavior like that.

Anger is a secondary emotion, meaning that it is a response to a different emotion. What are you angry about? If you can figure out the underlying emotions and come up with a strategy to deal with them, you can beat the anger. In the meantime, while you are cultivating that self-control and discipline, which is tough, just ask people to give you space and time to cool down. I have had problems expressing anger appropriately in the past, and this was the only thing that kept me from being regretful–just asking for space and physically removing myself from the situation. That way I could be angry without acting out.

Hope that helped a little…


#4

One thing that a lot of people who are angry don’t realize is that blaming others usually only ends up making them feel angrier. Don’t make this be about anyone else. Take an honest look at yourself and make a list of what you can do to improve, things that don’t rely on anybody else changing. Then I would pray, asking for the strength to change.

You also might want to search the internet for more information on “splitting” since this is something that people with anger problems tend to do. Here is a basic definition:

Splitting: In simple words, we can say that splitting is a way to divide the world in “all good” “all bad”. It is a black and white way to see the world without “grey”. Splitting is one of the defense mechanism used to protect themselves

“A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. This is called splitting.”

You probably will need some kind of counseling. Chances are you have experienced some hurt in your life that you are not addressing. Most people who experience “splitting” will do anything to avoid the pain of facing that pain, and only end up in a destructive downward spiral.

Obviously, I am not someone qualified to judge you or your situation. I am just letting you know the little bit that I have learned as a result of having been to counseling after leaving an abusive and controlling marriage. It is really a good thing if you realize that you need to change. I will keep you in my prayers.


#5

Nobody is perfect and everybody makes mistakes. You need to deal with your anger some how or the other. It is not easy I know because I am also struggling with it. There is this women I listen to her name is Joyce Meyer and she is a wonderful speaker and I have attached what she says about anger.

Dealing With Anger…God’s Way
by Joyce Meyer

Everybody has to deal with anger from time to time. But how is the best way to handle it? To answer that question, we first must understand what anger really is. Anger is an emotion often characterized by feelings of great displeasure, indignation, hostility, wrath, and vengeance. Many times, anger is how we express our dissatisfaction with life. It is defined in the Greek as the strongest of all passions. Anger begins with a feeling that often is expressed in words or actions. We feel something, and it causes us to say or do something.

GET TO THE ROOT OF THE PROBLEM

Anger is the fruit of rotten roots. One of the primary roots of anger probably stems from the family. Angry people come from angry families because they learn from their role models and perpetuate the same behavior in their own lives… eventually passing it on to their children.

OTHER ROOTS OF ANGER INCLUDE:

Injustice—when people mistreat us and we feel there is nothing we can do about it, we get angry because we feel it isn’t fair. As much as we would like to change the situation or the person who is treating us badly, we can’t. People can’t change people, only God can change people. So it’s best to put your energy into praying for the offender.

Strife—which is hidden, repressed anger, begins with judgment, gossip, talebearing, backbiting, and thinking too highly of one’s self. Strife is often exhibited in arguing, bickering, heated disagreements, and angry undercurrents.

Impatience—often produces anger when we can’t get what we want when we want it. When others impede our progress or slow us down, it is easy to become impatient. Most of us struggle with impatience on a daily basis simply because of today’s fast-paced world.

Abuse of any kind—sexual, physical, verbal, emotional, or mental almost always leads to anger. All of these abuses are injustices, and injustice eventually leaves the abused feeling helpless and angry. Abuse of this kind cannot be ignored. You must deal with it and process it before you can get rid of it.

Unmet needs—can also produce anger. We all have needs that can and should be met by those closest to us. However, others cannot know and understand our needs unless we communicate with them. But even then they may sometimes fail to meet our needs. So the answer is to go to God with your needs and quit looking to other people.

Jealousy—anger caused by jealousy was one of the first negative emotions mentioned in the Bible. Genesis 4 tells us that Cain killed his brother Abel because he was jealous to the point of being angry. This is one of the more extreme results of jealousy, but it serves to remind us of how dangerous jealousy can be.

Many people are afraid that someone else may get ahead of them. They think their importance in the world depends on their job or their position in the church. Jealousy causes them to try to be important in the eyes of man. If you have this problem, understand that God has you where you are now for a reason. He knows what is in your future, and He may have you in training for it right now. There is a big difference between being able and being ready to do a specific thing. So don’t despise the days of small beginnings. Remember that we must answer to God. Our rewards come from obeying the specific callings He has placed on our lives not from the great things we manage to accomplish as far as the world is concerned. Other roots that lead to anger include insecurity, fear of confrontation, and a feeling of being controlled by a job or other people and their problems. I used to get mad at people who controlled me until God told me one day, “You are just as guilty as they are because you’re letting them do it.” We must not put excessive pressure on ourselves by making too many commitments just because we don’t want to say no to someone.


#6

MASKS OF ANGER

Sometimes we use masks to cover up something that we don’t want anybody to see. If we are harboring anger, we think masking it will keep others from knowing the real us. So we hide behind a variety of masks in an attempt to trick people into thinking we’re something or someone that we’re not. I have discovered that people respect you more if you share your real self with them than if you try to hide everything and act like you’ve got it all together. After all, people can tell when something is not right. You may think you’re hiding your anger, but it will eventually find a way to come out either in voice tone, body language, or attitudes. Some people use the cold shoulder mask. When someone makes them angry, they may say they have forgiven them but they become cold and show no warmth or emotion in dealing with that individual. These people live a lonely existence, because they are so afraid of being hurt that they avoid any close and meaningful relationship. This is a classic example of “choosing your pain.” This kind of person chooses the pain of living an isolated, lonely life instead of working through the problem and determining to develop good friendships. Other people like to use the silent treatment mask. These are the folks who say they’re not angry with you, yet they refuse to talk to you… or they communicate only when it is absolutely necessary, usually with a grunt or nod. When people avoid being with, touching, or doing things for the individual they’re angry at, they’re hiding behind a mask. But this is not the answer.

FACE THE TRUTH…AND CHOOSE YOUR PAIN

If you want the great and mighty things God has for you, you must get to the root of anger and deal with it. You must get rid of the masks and face the things that happened in your life to make you the way you are today. Admit that you can’t change by yourself. Until the root is dealt with and removed, it will continue to produce one kind of bad fruit after another. Too often we spend our lives dealing with the bad fruit in our behavior, but we never dig deep enough to get to the root of the problem. Actually, when we’re faced with anger, we must choose our pain. Digging deep to take care of the bad root is painful, but it is the only lasting way to take care of the problem. We can either suffer positively, doing what is right, or we can go with the devil’s plan. But remember, the same devil that tempts you to follow your human feelings will later condemn you for doing it. You must decide if you want the pain that will take you into a new realm of glory, or if you’re going to keep your same old pain, trying to hide it while it’s rotting on the inside of you. Peter tells us to be well balanced and temperate, withstanding the devil at his onset (see 1 Peter 5:8,9). When you begin to feel anger, it’s the perfect time to exercise the fruit of self-control. You may have good reason to be angry, but you must not use it as an excuse to stay that way. Instead of denying or justifying it, ask God to help you deal with it in a positive way. Romans 12:21 gives this good advice: Do not let yourself be overcome by evil, but overcome (master) evil with good. When Satan attacks you, instead of getting mad, go bless someone. Responding in a positive way is the direct opposite of what the enemy had planned, and it defeats his plan to keep you upset. It doesn’t come naturally, and it isn’t always easy, but when we do what we can do, God will do what we can’t do. Do not be quick in spirit to be angry or vexed, for anger and vexation lodge in the bosom of fools (Ecclesiastes 7:9). If we hang onto anger, we’re just being foolish. We must turn the anger and the people who caused it over to God and let Him take care of it. …Vengeance is Mine, I will repay (requite), says the Lord (Romans 12:19). Trust God and He will take care of you and protect you. You can’t change your past, but when you give it to God, He will use it to bring you a better future.


#7

IS ANGER SIN?

Is all anger sin? No, but some of it is. Even God Himself has righteous anger against sin, injustice, rebellion, and pettiness. Anger sometimes serves a useful purpose, so it isn’t necessarily always a sin. Obviously, we are going to have adverse feelings or God would not have needed to provide the fruit of self-control. Just being tempted to do something is not sin. It’s when you don’t resist the temptation but go ahead and do it that it becomes sin. God sometimes allows us to feel anger so we can recognize when we are being mistreated. But even when we experience true injustices in our lives, we must not vent our anger in an improper way. We must guard against allowing anger to drag us into sin. Ephesians 4:26,27 tells us, When angry, do not sin; do not ever let your wrath (your exasperation, your fury or indignation) last until the sun goes down. Leave no [such] room or foothold for the devil [give no opportunity to him]. Refuse to give the devil an opportunity to get a foothold in your life through anger.

All anger, regardless of its cause, has the same effect on our lives. It upsets us, causing us to feel pressure. Keeping anger locked inside and pretending it doesn’t exist can even be dangerous to our health. It usually doesn’t bother the person who makes us angry, it just hurts us. So we must take responsibility for our anger and learn to deal with it. Process it and bring closure to it, and that will relieve the pressure. I have been through some rough times in my life, and for many years those experiences caused me to feel miserable. I was so mad about the abuse in my childhood that it was making be bitter and hateful. I was angry with everybody, but one day God confronted me and said, “Joyce, are you going to let that make you bitter or better?” That got my attention, and I eventually had to find a positive way to process my anger. That was a place of new beginnings for me. When you face your anger and decide to deal with it God’s way, you can overcome it. The Holy Ghost gives us the power to be stable and to walk in the fruit of the Spirit. We have the power to forgive those who do injustices in our lives and to love the unlovely.

TAKE STEPS TOWARD FREEDOM

People are born to be free, it is a gift from God. We are not to be free from responsibility, but we are to be free to be led by the Holy Spirit. Any time our freedom is taken away or given away, we experience anger. Are you willing to go through whatever it takes to get free… or do you want to stay in the mess you’re in for the rest of your life? If you want to be free, just start doing what God wants you to do one step at a time and you will eventually walk out of your messes. When we are battling anger, we must realize that …we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places (Ephesians 6:12 KJV). When Satan makes you angry, remember that he’s trying to keep you from accomplishing the will of God in your life.

In 2 Timothy 4:5, Paul told Timothy to be calm, cool, and collected, and to keep performing the duties of his ministry. And that is good advice for all of us. When we get angry, we should calm down and start doing what God has called us to do. You can be bitter or better, it’s up to you! If you’re mad about something, instead of letting it ruin your life, turn it into something good. Overcome evil and anger by praying for those who hurt and abuse you. Forgive them and be a blessing to them. It may not be easy at first, but when you make the decision and stick with it, God will take care of the rest.


#8

Robaynne, you are so caring and thoughtful when you post. It is so good to read the insightful writings of Joyce Meyer. Do you type it all or do you paste it? (Thats a lot of typing if you do!!) Even so, it is very kind of you to post the things you do!
God Bless you.


#9

It seems to me that it is not so much what your get upset about it is HOW you get upset.

Have you ever considered looking strictly at your actions, the words you use, the guestures you make? Have you ever listed them on a piece of paper and then ask yourself "how are these enhancing my life?’

The other question I have for you is this: you seem to get very angry at all the sinners you meet. Do you think your being angry at them for their behavior helps lead them to Christ and eventually to His Bride, the Church?


#10

Hey guys, thanks for all the kind and truthful words. This is what I loved and continue to love about CAF. I missed this place and when I did want to come back it was offline. Thanks to God and the CAF staff and members that it is back up. Now I can once again talk to people who share the same faith and value that I do and get some sound advice.

I’ve already started the process of getting some spiritual counseling and my girlfriend will attend with me and help me sort all these things out.

I have also sat down and evaluated myself. What I mean is I take my good points, bad points, my flaws, what makes me tick etc… and will start to work them out.

One thing I don’t want to do is see doctors or therapists and be given prescription drugs. I work in the Medical field and I see what those people become. It is not pretty.

But thanks for all your input and I have taken it to heart and mind and I will do something about this anger. I guess the first thing to do is FORGIVE. The next thing is to work my way back into their hearts and show them that who they think and say I am is not so.

Thanks and God Bless.


#11

You might want to consider seeing a marriage and family therapist. You won’t have to worry about drugs being pushed on you there, but the really valuable thing is getting their perspective. So often when we are in these situations, we just don’t see the big picture. Counselors are familiar with the patterns and can really give you some valuable insight to help you break out of these undesirable patterns. It probably would be helpful for your girlfriend too if she has grown up with parents that are on the controlling side. She’ll need to learn some boundaries to stop feeding that kind of behavior, from them or from you.


#12

Wow talk about seeing red.


#13

You are a brave man and I commend you for taking charge and going forward! You are in my prayers, my friend. I have a lot of faith that you will be able to get to the bottom of the problems and find new, prayerful and loving ways to express yourself! Go get 'em!!


#14

Yes.


#15

Hi What Joyce Meyer states, Is that a catholic view?


#16

I learned to let stuff go as a kid. If you hold on to things they just drag you down. Praying many help you. Good luck.


#17

Although some of it may jive with Catholic thought/teaching, she is a Protestant speaker. This thread is over 6 years old, so I don’t thin the OP is still questioning. However, I think it would be best for a Catholic to look into Catholic authors, priests, etc on any matter of spirituality/religion, etc.


#18

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