Dealing with doubts...


#1

This is actually in response from ‘Seeking advice from the Married and Engaged…’ thread.

After having read that thread, I couldn’t help but just sigh in a kind of despair. It seemed like nearly everyone “just knew”. Did no one have doubts at all during any time of the relationship? How do you deal with doubts? Cuz it seems like, since you “just know”, any doubts you’d have would be an indication that maybe that one isn’t the one.

The guy I’m seeing right now is a good guy; he’s got a good heart. He’s not practicing Catholic, but he’s started going to church, and thats a good step. He’s told me he loved me and that he was willing to give practicing a shot, though he’s said he’s afraid he may not reach up to my standards.

I love him too, and I’ve imagined living my life with him. He’s got the qualities a woman would like: does the dishes, cooks dinner, etc. lol. There’s other stuff too that I like, but you get the idea.

However, I just don’t know. We’ve been dating for little over two months now, and I know there’s still plenty of time for anything else. It’s just that, I don’t like his video game playing, because I don’t think its fun to be killing and blowing up things (it’s just so violent). It’s not something I grew up with, nor is it something I’d want my kids to grow up with. So, I guess then what I’m asking is, am I being picky or unreasonable? I want at least 5 or even more children, he seems to only want 3 at most.

I want our relationship to work so badly, and yet, it’s hard to be such a strong Catholic with someone who’s not. Does that make sense? I figure maybe it’ll take all of the two years before my graduation for him to re-convert (if that’s what God has planned, and because I don’t want to get married til after I graduate). But it just seems like…it just seems rather impossible, and I know to be patient, and all that. And I can, and will be, if I just knew if he was the one. And since this post is getting way to long, I’m cutting it here.
Any advice is greatly appreciated! Thanks!

(You know what else? He might find this and read this…I dont know how to feel about that either, but maybe it’d be a good thing, I dont know :shrug: )


#2

Do you want the relationship to work because you are lonely now, he is fun now, or because he is who you want to father your children, share your faith and life with, and wake up next to when you are old?

Maybe he is just a NOW friend. That can be OK, if everyone is on the same page.

but don’t try to turn him into “marriage material”, if your idea of a husband is something quite different from who he is.

There are many wonderful men, who have good hearts, and are willing to share household duties. Those are great things, but not the only thing that makes them right for YOU. He can be a truly great person, but not the person for you.

Often when people break up, they will say “it’s not you…” and that is the truth, they love and admire the person, there is no fault in them that causes them not to be the right life partner…it just isn’t meant to be. They will make a great partner for someone else.

The chemistry of relationships can’t be explained. Each of us has things we can ignore, and things we can’t. The 'dealbreaker" is different in every person. What may seem like small potatoes to another, may be the one thing you can’t deal with. Go with your gut.


#3

Are you talking about graduating high school or college?? Sorry if that sounds dumb…I’m curious. I really can’t offer up any advice until I know the answer to that…:wink:


#4

ABC’s of finding a Good Husband, may be the book for you. If you cannot see your life with integrity or if you cannot see your life as you being the person you want and need to be for God without him… then he may be the person to marry… but what is best is to think objectively… what are the five to ten things I want/need in my future husband… and if he is missing one of those he may not be the person. Just be patient its only been two months… also sure he might be going to church, but is it an honest desire to grow closer to the faith because he personally wants to or is he just going because it will be to go with you and it makes you happy… I have had friends with their significant others convert for the sake of the relationship… but not because they seriously believed the Church as the One, Truth Church of Christ… and the engagement broke off.
Things that irritate you now are only going to be worse and you should not see a prospective spouse as… 'well i bet I can get him to change here and here and…"-that will jsut be painful struggle for the both. I say do not rush it and step back and think "is this the guy I dreamed of living the rest of my life with and I can be happy with the flaws he does have and nothing in the area of faith or morals will compromise mine?"
If you can laugh together, cry together, challenge each other to be better people you want to be, support each other, dream together, and be yourself around each other… you may be called to marriage


#5

Stop right there.

When people say they “just knew” what they really mean is they didn’t have a list of things they wished were different.

Your list includes:

(1) His religion
(2) His video game playing
(3) You want a large family, he doesn’t (probably doesn’t have the same view on children, contraception, and family either)
(4) some other things you didn’t explicitly list

Those are HUGE things, not “picky” things. When someone “just knows” they have looked for all the things that indicate this person is not compatible with them, and they didn’t find any!

When you just know, it’s like this:

(1) Religion is the most important thing to me. Oh, HE’s a faithful, devout, practicing Cathlic. CHECK
(2) I believe violence, graphic movies an TV, and other secular cultural influences are bad and don’t want them in my home. Oh, HE thinks kids should be restricted from bad cultural influences and doesn’t like those types of things either. CHECK
(3) I believe in the Church’s teaching about marriage and family, and the sexual union of the spouses. I want a large family and to practice NFP. Oh, HE has always thought being an NFP teaching couple and being involved in marriage ministry would be cool. He’d love to pray together about the size of our family and have as many as God wants. CHECK
(4) No matter how far down the list you go-- you keep getting a CHECK.

You haven’t gotten very far down the list, and it’s full of Xs. So, don’t waste your time trying to make this work. Especially not two years of your life! Move on, and when God brings the man in your life who is the one, you will just know… in the way I showed above.

Make your list, and stick to it. I suggest the book Date or Soul Mate, by Dr. Neil Clark Warren. It discusses this very idea of the “must haves” and the “deal breakers”. Please get a copy and read it.


#6

Hey GreyRabbit,
I only have a small thing to add to the great comments above. As a father of seven, five of which are boys, I wouldn’t sweat the video gaming for the violence…it’s a guy thing. And when you have sons, they’ll be drawn to imaginary action involving shooting and sword fighting,wrestling, competing, etc. regardless of how you try to steer them away, whether in a video game or out in the yard. And it’s actually a good thing.

Obsessive video gaming on the other hand, like obsessive anything (even forums), is a bad sign I think.


#7

Thanks alot guys. And to answer a question, I’m in college :slight_smile:

I know I can’t change people, and I know his conversion must be aout of a sincere love for God, not to do it for me. And I’ve told him that as well. I’m wondering if maybe I should just be patient. :blush:

I think he would make a wonderful father, and I want to share my faith with him very much. I want to be able to pray together, (and we sometimes do, like before meals), go to church, support the faith, all those things. I’m willing to wait and see how it goes. He’s trying I’m sure, and it won’t happen overnight if it does at all.

Thanks Bweedle. I understand that there’s a natural tendency for those things, my brother and I (being the only two in the family) wrestled all the time. I just dont like the shooting at people for the fun of it part I guess. Though, like you said, it’s probably just inevitable, so long as its not obsessive.

I’ll look for those books, luckily the bookstore’s not that far from here, though I don’t have money at the moment, I’ll go look so I at least know where they are. :thumbsup:

Thanks again so much for your advice and support! I can’t thank you all enough :heart:


#8

Most of all, when it’s not the right person your heart tells you so, immediatly. You just know something won’t work, even if your brain tries to convince you that you are perfect for eachother.

Just an advice: I had a relationship with an atheist for seven months, and I was hoping to convert her and all. However, she didn’t change her mind, and I sinned plenty of times. It was a waste of time.

So, give him a chance, but if you see he’s not making progress then it’s time to move on.


#9

I think two months is not a very long time. I can’t imagine having talked about the serious things you two are talking about after dating someone for two months.

Why not just hang out for awhile and see where it goes?

Also, here is what I told my brother when he was contemplating marriage: If you don’t marry her, someone else will. If the thought of that makes you happy for her, then the person she should marry is not you. If that thought makes you sick to your stomach, then you want to marry her. BUT I would not say I would be ready to answer that question after two months of dating. Even if he’s the one, you’re not going to get the sick to your stomach answer after only two months.


#10

lol! Thanks for the tip! We have talked a little about serious issues, but since it’s only been two months, I dont know how much to talk about. Xp But thanks! :slight_smile:


#11

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