Dealing with Infertility


#1

Hi all,
I am down today. My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for 3 years now. We’ve been through traditional infertility treatments and were told that our only chance was through insemination. We chose to stay true to our faith and through some miracle, I got pregnant, but I lost the baby. We are now going to the Pope Paul VI Institute and 2 surgeries later, Dr. Hilgers has given us good odds of getting pregnant.

My problem is this- even though I know we could conceive someday, I am tired of waiting. Part of me wonders why all of my friends who chose to do in vitro or inseminations or whatever have children and we are still childless. A good friend called me today to tell me she is expecting baby #2 and as happy as I am for her, I am so sad about our situation. I’ve prayed to St. Gerard, to St. Anne, to St. Gianna, to our Blessed Mother and the pain just doesn’t get any better. I miss my baby that we lost so much and my heart just longs to have one of our own. We looked into adoption and still might choose that route but my husband is older (45) and they will only show our adoption profile until he is 47, so our odds aren’t good that way either.

Does anybody have any thoughts that could help me? I’m usually pretty happy go lucky but I can’t seem to shake this sadness today.


#2

Chovy,

I’m coming out of self-imposed retirement just for your post. God bless you as you try to bear this heavy cross. The cross of infertility is one that is lonely indeed. In the Catechism, God promises us that he has special compassion for those of us who are unable to conceive. It especially difficult when you are trying so hard to follow the teachings of the Catholic Church with regarding to infertility treatments. It is easy to become bitter and resentful. Especially when so many of your friends/family are becoming pregnant through in-vitro, donor sperm, or maybe just out of wedlock. On top of all that, if you ARE a faithful Catholic, more than likely you have friends that are having large families. As happy as you might be that such fine Christian families are raising a bunch of wonderful kids, it adds to your pain, I’m sure. I’ve been there, and at times, I still am there. We lost 2 children through miscarriage.
My husband and I have adopted 3 wonderful children. I would absolutely love to have more kids as would my husband. Emotionally, adoption is not for the faint of heart. We had 4 disrupted adoptions following the adoption of our 2nd child. My husband had an especially hard time after we lost a son ( we named him Luke) after we had him for 4 days. So, I think the only way more children would come our way is if a birthmom came to us or God blessed us with one that we conceived. We are both 41.
I don’t mean for this to sound so doom and gloom. I just want you to know that you are not alone. When I say infertility is a cross, that is exactly what I mean. I try to embrace this cross that God has lovingly made just for me. I offer up my suffering for my beautiful children, for their souls, and for their vocations. I’m not sure why God has asked me (or you) to suffer in this way. Especially when I (you) love children, would love a big horde of kids, and would raise them as faithful Catholics. Just know that there is a reason, and in time you will know why. You will have children some day because God has placed that desire in your heart. Either through conception or through adoption, think of yourself already as a mom and share your generosity in some way while you are waiting for your precious children. Perhaps you could counsel other women who are suffering infertility. Take a dinner to a friend who just had a baby. Offer to babysit a friend who is ill and has a bunch of little ones. Above all, don’t give up. Have trust in God. He will answer your prayers in His time.
PM me if you need any other support. Although I’ve retired myself for a time, I do “troll” the Forums.

I will keep you in my prayers.


#3

I am so sorry, my cousin tried 10 years to get pregnant and also had several miscarriages in this time, finally year 10 of trying the invitro she had a child, well, they decided maybe just one more, so they tried the invitro again and at 42 my cousin has a 3 yr old daughter and 1 yr old triplets.
She Never thought she would see this day, she really did not.

I know that she finally had to say, I just can’t come to this baby shower etc. during those 10 yrs and of course we understood, a person can only deal with so much.

I know that many Countries do not have an age problem, so do your research, if you would be willing to adopt a child from a different county and willing to go get them in that country.

My aunt and uncle have been married for 16 years they are now 40 & 42 years old, they have not been able to get pregnant either and at this point they just have to stop the trying all the time, it is just such a consuming thing for them, they just need to focus on each other right now.

Your not alone and you are in my prayers, please don’t give up hope, when God closes one door he Always opens another, be open to what he might be calling you to do, I know that there are children who need a mom and dad out in this world, pray that God will give you the answer.
Peace to you.


#4

We adopted two years ago. Getting to the point of actually having an adoption that worked out was emotionally taxing and a roller coaster of emotions. But, it was so worth it and our child is a joy in every way.

We had just met with a social worker again and were trying to connect with the right birthmom for round two, when lo and behold! I found out I was pregnant.

Please don’t give up hope. God has a plan for you!


#5

I am sorry for your loss. My heart feels for you. I too have walked the rode of infertility and it is very hard. I was lucky to conceive and have 1 bio son and 1 adopted son. It took 4 years to conceive our bio son and I really wanted to have another child. I think for me the infertility was even worse the second time around. Now I just cannot hold infants, because it hurts too much to know I’ll never have another infant.

I do know that both my children are miracles from God. They came into my life just at they were intended. I feel very fortunate to have both of them.

We adopted our son from Russia. For us we didn’t want to wait a long time to be chosen by a birthmom and I didn’t think I could handle if she changed her mind. That being said, foreign adoption has its heartaches also. I found the adoption process to be a roller coaster too, but I was fairly certain that God would unite us with the child he intended for our family. Read James 1:27. It will give you a new perspective on how God sees adoption.

As someone else said the desire you have comes from God. Pray for direction to see how you are to use this desire.

I remember praying for "another child to love.’’ As soon as I was finished praying a man turned to me and started to tell me the adoption story of his daughter. I was still so attached to my desire to have another child that I couldn’t see that God provided me with the answer. It took me many months to figure it out. Try to be attentive to His answer to your prayers. Maybe it is waiting for conception, maybe it is adoption or maybe it is something else.

It is so difficult to watch other people have children and not appreciate those children. I have often said I would not wish infertility on my worse enemy. It is heartbreaking. It has taken me a while to understand that it is also a time of grieving and grieving this loss takes time.

Lastly, don’t believe those stories where someone adopts and then gets pregnant. It happens but isn’t very likely.


#6

My sister-in-law had what is called “secondary infertilty”, My brother and her became parents only 14 months after they were married. When their son was 18 months and weaned, my SIL tried to get pregnant again, nothing, kept trying for almost 10 years (we are close, she told me she never used any form of BC in her life) They tried IVF and after 2 very expensive treatment again Nothing, They resolved to fact that God had meant for them to be the parents of one child, yet still Prayed with the hope one day…just maybe…then 2 weeks before their son was to graduate from High School my brother and wife were expecting!!! (natrually no IVF)Today their 6 year old son is happy, healthy little boy. Moral of the story…keep the Faith, keep Praying your Prayers will be answered. I will also tell my SIL your story for she will Pray for you and of course I will too.:blessyou: :love: Kay


#7

Thank you all for your wonderful comments. This is a cross and we will bear it but it helps to know that there are others who have been in through the same struggles.


#8

Infertility is a difficult cross to bear. We went through all the infertility treatments and didn’t pursue in-vitro either. We adopted two wonderful baby girls from China. We are still infertile, I just turned 40 so maybe I have a few more years. The doctors never did find out the cause of our infertility. If I had heard about the Paul VI institute and Dr. Hilgers a few years ago I probaby would have tried it. I think its good you’re looking into that, they have a good success rate.

Anyway, how do I deal with it? It seems that, especially since all my friends are Catholic, that there is such an emphasis on the experience of pregnancy. That can be lonely. I used to have the mindset that God would reward me with a child when I submitted to Him and accepted my infertility. Now I understand that its not just about resigning myself to it but embracing it as my cross. God gives us trials, they don’t seem fair and we don’t like it because we want what we want when we want it. But without the cross there is no resurrection. God is not allowing me to be infertile because I’m not X (whatever I think is my problem) or because He’s mad at me etc, its because He loves me and knows that I need this for salvation. I always think of the story about St. Teresa of Avila in the carriage, , , it was a bumpy ride and she joked with God that if this was how He treated His friends its no wonder He didn’t have so many followers!

Its taken a long time to work through this, 14 years now. And I’m still hopeful that I might be pregnant in the next few years. I probably won’t stop that until I’m through menopause and **know **I can’t have a baby!

Waiting is hard. I remember when we were waiting for our referral. . . I couldn’t wait I wanted my baby. The trouble was at the time my baby wasn’t born yet! You will have your baby when your baby is ready. I look at my two girls and sometimes think, one day different and I wouldn’t have this person with me.

You might look into international adoption, it is usually faster than domestic adoption. My friends waited 3 years to adopt domestically, our adoptions took 14 and 17 months (that’s with all the paperwork too). If you want more information you cam PM me or go to www.holtinlt.org (we used them for both our adoptions).

Hang in there. Pray, not just for a baby but for God to fill your heart with love for Him.


#9

{{{{{Hugs}}}}}
My heart goes out to you - Infertility is a hard cross to bear. Hope this brings you closer in your faith journey as it has done for me.

My story - 10 years ago, was diagnosed with a fibroid and put on the pill, also was told as a result of the fibroid getting pregnant would be hard. A year later however, we got married and 3 years later, conceived our son ( a rough pregnancy right after a HSG). Well needless to say, I was not ready to go through another pregnancy for 2 years. However after had a change of heart and we have been trying to conceive for 4 years. Still have the fibroid and just yesterday had another HSG so if it is in God’s plan that we have another child we will be very happy. However have decided that we will not go for insemination … So now we are hoping and praying for the best.

:blessyou:


#10

Hi Chovy!

I just wanted to share that I was diagnosed with a number of issues that compelled every doctor to tell us NOT to try, that it would risk my health far too much and something disasterous could happen–if, of course, our fertility would ever return.

I had stopped ovulating for a very long time, so “trying” really wasn’t an option. I went on medication that has a side effect of inducing ovulation, however, and though I would look for symptoms, it appeared I only ovulated on the second month during the medication. We did not try that month because we were advised that my spine could not tolerate pregnancy and that my endocrine system also posed serious risks. The next month I appeared not to ovulate again, and then the month after that, we were very busy with packing and moving. I checked, but not every single time throughout each day (per the Creighton Model) and did not notice anything. However, I DID ovulate that month, because we found out we were pregnant after all, without even trying.

I had thoroughly researched adoption and we were going to pursue it after our move, though we were running into issues about not having been married a full three years yet–I felt like it was just another road block in our mutual call to parenthood.

People with one of my conditions have a 68% chance of miscarriage. I was terrified I would lose the baby, but now that I am past 12 weeks, my doctor tells me I can consider myself as having a less than 3% chance. So far, my body is tolerating the pregnancy very well. I pray that everything continues to go normally.

Dr. Hilgers has a huge rate of success, and if he has given you good odds, I would trust his expertise and the mercy of God.

Be at peace!


#11

[quote=Chovy]Hi all,
I am down today. My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for 3 years now. We’ve been through traditional infertility treatments and were told that our only chance was through insemination. We chose to stay true to our faith and through some miracle, I got pregnant, but I lost the baby. We are now going to the Pope Paul VI Institute and 2 surgeries later, Dr. Hilgers has given us good odds of getting pregnant.

My problem is this- even though I know we could conceive someday, I am tired of waiting. Part of me wonders why all of my friends who chose to do in vitro or inseminations or whatever have children and we are still childless. A good friend called me today to tell me she is expecting baby #2 and as happy as I am for her, I am so sad about our situation. I’ve prayed to St. Gerard, to St. Anne, to St. Gianna, to our Blessed Mother and the pain just doesn’t get any better. I miss my baby that we lost so much and my heart just longs to have one of our own. We looked into adoption and still might choose that route but my husband is older (45) and they will only show our adoption profile until he is 47, so our odds aren’t good that way either.

Does anybody have any thoughts that could help me? I’m usually pretty happy go lucky but I can’t seem to shake this sadness today.
[/quote]

Hi Friend: Of course this feeling must be so sad for you.:frowning: Have you ever considered or really contemplated in prayer, however, that God just might have something different in store for you and your hubby? That He wants you both to trust Him totally and completely? There is much that can be accomplished for the Kingdom by couples who do not have kids you know. Perhaps ask Him today to show you…


#12

Hi Chovy,

I really connected to your post. My DH and I have been trying to have a baby for over 4.5 years now. I too am a patient of Dr. Hilgers and have had 2 surgeries (for endometriosis) with him as well, the last surgery in Jan. of 2004. We were given a good success rate of getting pregnant, but nothing happened.

I then read THE INFERTILITY CURE by Randine Lewis and started Traditional Chinese medecine including acupuncture about 1 year ago. Three months later we conceived for the first time ever. I never felt so much joy in my entire life. We were devestated to lose the baby 9 weeks later by a missed miscarriage. It was the single most devestating time in my life.

I started the Chinese medecine again and I waited 3 months to try again. To my surprise, we got pregnant again in June, but this time it was an ectopic pregnancy which of course ended very painfully. I could not believe that this was happening again and in such a painful way.

I cannot begin to explain the grief I feel every day. Some days are better than others. I often felt betrayed by God and forgotten. I have dealt with these feeling of betrayal and now it is just pure saddness.

I am tired of waiting as well, but I am aware that others have waited much longer than me. I do know that God put a strong desire to have a baby in my heart and unfortunately at the moment we are not drawn to adoption. It is confliting when you know that God put this desire there and gave me 2 babies, but did not save them when they were in trouble. I just keep telling myself that He has something greater in store for us and that our babies are happy and joyful in heaven. This is just our cross to carry at the moment and God gave us this cross because He wants us to share in the suffering of Jesus.

You may be interested in a wonderful group to which I belong in yahoo groups called catholic-fertilty. Many of us are patients of Dr. Hilgers and all of us adhere to the teachings of the Catholic Church, so there is no need to worry about posts regaring IVF procedures, etc. We pray novenas together and have ALWAYS been blessed with a pregnancy in the group as a result. Currently we are doing a novena to St. Therese, the little flower.

Take care and God Bless,
Pam


#13

Pam,
I would love to join your group. Would the other members mind if I joined in or would you want to ask them first? I don’t want to jump in and be a newbie that isn’t really wanted.


#14

Oh my goodness, of course you may join! We have new people join all of the time. The moderator is named Jennifer. I think she “approves” people who want to join. She has the “approval” process to weed out spam and those who want to discuss IVF, which we do not. Go ahead and sign up and she will contact you as soon as she can (I think she is out of town at the moment.) I am glad you are joining us!

Pam


#15

I’m very sorry to hear of your situation. We survived 7 years of infertility hell. The ways I survived: I said no to baby showers when I couldn’t handle it; I said no to going to the “children’s” Christmas Eve mass (went instead to the adult midnight mass); joined an infertility support group (Resolve, a national organization); and made friends with other infertile women. A group of us got together once a month or so, drank way too much and ate lots of food and desserts that were bad for us. Of my little group, all are moms now, something that gives us all great joy.

We opted out of treatment at one point and pursued an adoption. We were told about our daughter less than 2 months after our homestudy was approved, which is lightening-fast as far as domestic adoptions go. When she was not quite a year, we discovered I was pregnant. The doctors had focused on ovulation problems, and I got pregnant immediately after having my cervix frozen. We had a rambunctious baby boy and then another 7 years after that.

God had a plan for our family and it was for Anne to be our family’s big sister. If God would love to bless us again, that would be alright by us…but make it soon, please! (I’m 42)

I will keep you in my prayers!

Cathy


#16

I know your situation from personal experience and looking back, these are the things I wish I had known and done.

Frequent confession will give you the graces to handle things better.

The healing power of the Eucharist is only effective when we are in a state of grace, without mortal sin on our hearts. Keeping this in mind might also be helpful for those trying to get pregnant.

Sacrifice for your spouse…fasting…Confession… prayer…prayer…prayer…offering your suffering at the consecration…Eucharist. (REPEAT frequently)

With this combination and with Jesus able to share or take your burden, you will be able to take whatever comes your way.

Remember, Marriage and the Eucharist are so very similar and are all about sacrifice and the love of Jesus. Both involve saying yes to a bodily union and total mutual gift-of-self.


#17

This might be a bit choppy. Its the third time I’ve tried it and my mouse keeps erasing it. So I’ll apologize in advance. :slight_smile:

Have you considered international adoption?

My wife and I found out that I was infertile this past year. It hasn’t been easy, especially seeing our friends and family members get pregnant. It isn’t pleasant to see your wife upset because you can never give her children. She’s been great, but it still isn’t easy. This has, however, kicked us in a different direction.

We had talked about IA before we got married, but this convinced us to look into it. We were concerned with the expense, and the paperwork, and other things (could we handle an interracial family? Could our extended family?). But after looking into it, our minds were very much put at ease. And I can tell you know that we are very excitedly awaiting a referral for a child from China. Admittedly, as Tom Petty says grin “The waiting is the hardest part”.

We went through Bethany, and they made the process wonderfully straightforward. Even with all the paperwork, it doesn’t take long. Not nearly as long as some of the domestic adoptions that we have heard of. Also, I was surprised at how many of the nations have easier requirements than I thought. You guys fit into the age range nicely.

It isn’t for everyone,but it is an option, and you may want to look at it. I’ve had some fears (What if I won’t be a good Father? Holy Cow, what a responsibility! I have a hard time keeping my socks straight!). But after some reading, I feel better about it. I just got done reading Cindy Champnella’s ‘The Waiting Child’. Its a great book and an easy read, and it helped me to realize that even if I am not the perfect Father, I will be a far sight better than an orphanage. Not to disparage orphanages, but children need families. It helped me think and feel for the first time that God was saying ‘THIS is what I want you to do. I Love you, and I Love these children. And both of you will be good for each other. This is why I have given you this cross.’ So now, the infertility doesn’t seem so bad.

Jim


#18

I am so sorry, infertility is so hard and I definitely feel for you! My husband and I could not conceive children either. During the time we went through infertility treatment, I could not stand even looking at babies when we would be out and about at stores or restaurants. It was so painful!

We decided enough was enough and went for adoption. It was the best thing we ever did. We adopted internationally and now have a beautiful baby girl from China. I believe strongly that was the path that God lead me to. Do not loose hope! There is a child out there for you, it just depends on how you want to go about becoming a parent.


#19

After much prayer and discussion, we have decided to adopt locally through our state’s foster care program. There are 200 children available for adoption in our rather small state, and we are confident that there is one or two out there who would love to join our family. We are still open to conceiving too, but right now our focus is on adopting. Thank you again to all who have responded on the forum and through prayers!


#20

[quote=Chovy]After much prayer and discussion, we have decided to adopt locally through our state’s foster care program. There are 200 children available for adoption in our rather small state, and we are confident that there is one or two out there who would love to join our family. We are still open to conceiving too, but right now our focus is on adopting. Thank you again to all who have responded on the forum and through prayers!
[/quote]

Thanks so much for the update Chovy! I have often wondered what you might have decided. God bless you on your adoption journey. You can be assured that you are in my prayers.


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