Long story short, this year has been difficult for me… My best friend for many years; the only close friend my age I’ve had in my adult life so far, decides to break off the friendship without talking it through (and she has made it abundantly clear that there is no possibility of reconciling the friendship down the road. She came to some crazy assumptions about me even though I reasoned with her otherwise. There were some insecurities I think).
And my younger brother who was, for the longest time, my best friend, broke away from the faith and has separated himself from the family altogether. He lives out in his car like a homeless person which has been hard on me and especially my mom
Amidst all this happening, I have felt my emotional state, little by little, deteriorating, and with it a profound loneliness.
I do try my best at all times to keep my eyes on Christ and place my confidence in Him. I had a resurgence in my spiritual life a year before this which I think played a big part in softening the blow overall. I can still work and do still find joy in little things, but I have had little interest in the things I love doing like drawing, writing, watching movies, hiking, I just have no motivation to do them unless I force myself or if I’m having an especially good day. I was struggling with this even before my two friends stepped out of the picture. It has just gotten worse since then.
Anyways, without dumping much more on you guys, one thing I struggle with is that feeling of loneliness invading me even while I pray. The one thing that has gotten me through this so far is the fact that I have confided in Jesus as my closest friend and confidant. I love Him so, so much.
And yet, I yearn for the physical things which come with a friendship like warm embraces, conversations, eye contact… I just wish I can experience that with the One who I consider my closest friend. I know He doesn’t work like that with everyone and faith without sight is meritorious so I know He knows best… But I talk to Him during my holy hours as frankly as I would if I saw Him there. I just wish I could hear Him responding more readily…or, maybe “readily” is not the right word. I am more than ready to hear Him. There are just times I wish He’d respond with words. I sometimes do get “responses” inwardly, but He doesn’t always give me this.
Do you sometimes find that going into prayer the same way as a conversation is not always the best way? Or is this a good practice? Sometimes, He just doesn’t seem to want to have a “conversation” the way I think of them. Not to say that He never does, but still… continued>>