Dealing with pushy people


#1

I must admit in the past I have been a door mat more than I care to admit (I have suffer the resentments of it). So I am trying to 'speak my truth quietly in love'. Well let's just say there are certain people it is hard to be assertive around

For example, yesterday at smoke break a homeless person walked by and I made a joke in VERY bad taste (in view of the fact that I made fun of a child of God). Everyone laughed hilariously and when the guilt set in said 'That was wrong of me I shouldn't have done that', 'Jane' said 'don't worry it was funny'.

Well today, I was standing outside and 'Jane'shows up and she was laughing. I knew she was remembering the cruel comment I made yesterday. So I said 'I was wrong yesterday and I do NOT want to make fun of the homeless' She kept laughing and pushing my arm. I kept shaking my head 'no' and she kept pushing my arm. Well, it turns our she was trying to turn me around because there was a homeless guy walking by and she wanted me to see him. So I gave her a very stern look and repeated 'I will NOT make fun of the homeless'. Finally she got the message and said 'OK, but you know it is all in good fun' So I cut her off and started to talk about the wheather.

I know I made the mistake in the first place but I want to be a better person. I resent that I have to be so firm. I almost want to have nothing to do with Jane if she is going to egg me on to mock the homeless.

Another scenario. And this one bugs me deeply. At my bible study, people will often talk about others who aren't in the room. The talk is out of line in my opinion. They will tell me about people's health issues and financial struggles. Finally I said 'It is wrong to talk about people unless they are in the room.' They told me 'This isn't gossip, the others don't care if I share this about them' I disagree. I don't think anyone likes to be talked about behind their back. Or they will say 'We need to tell you this so you can pray for them' I disagree again. All you have to do is say 'Please pray for a friend of mine' God knows what this person needs!

Well Saturday was the last straw. A man was driving me home from church. When he went to get the car, I saw him talk to someone. I asked 'Who were you talking to?' He proceeded to tell me that was a friend of his who just got divorced and was upset so he told his friend to pray to God who will take care of his children and to quit worrying because it isn't worth it" I nearly flipped. How cruel to tell me his friend is upset. Not too mentioned I no longer want to go to bible study since I think that is the cruelest thing one could say to a man who just got divorced

Anytime I try to speak the truth in love at bible study, I feel rejected. There are people there who have hurt me and I need to talk about it. But if I say someone hurt me, I am accused of gossipping. That is not my intention, I am simply trying to process my feelings to get over it and looking for guidance on how to handle the situation to move forward. Before I assert myself to someone, I like to run it by a trusted friend to ensure I am being appropriate. However, they can talk about people's health for the sake of talking and it is acceptable.

I feel like telling this man I no longer want him telling me about other's personal business. But knowing him, he will justify it with any excuse he can find.

How do others deal with pushy people?

CM


#2

I think you have a problem with knowing the difference of caring & sharing.
I always remember or try to remember if people talk about others to you in a certain way -they also talk about you to others, in that certain way,(Good or Bad) Just deal with it -It's life:


#3

So, in the first instance, she should let it go when you won't guard your tongue, but you're going to get down on her because she doesn't guard hers? Start with this axiom: You aren't entitled to actually be the biggest sinner in any room. You're just supposed to think of yourself that way. Trying to reel in inappropriate humor that you unleashed is a good thing, but cut the co-worker some slack. You're suffering more for the consequence of your own sin than for hers. You're going to have to accept that, and advise yourself to be more circumspect in the future.

I'm not sure I get your second instance. Telling how someone sinned against you in front of the whole Bible study, instead of privately to the person who hurt you is "speaking the truth in love", while mentioning to a prayer group that someone not there is having a lung biopsy is gossip? I'm as puzzled with your distinctions as the Bible study is, I guess. Try this method, instead:
"Jesus said to his disciples:
“If your brother sins against you,
go and tell him his fault between you and him alone.
If he listens to you, you have won over your brother.
If he does not listen,
take one or two others along with you,
so that every fact may be established
on the testimony of two or three witnesses.
If he refuses to listen to them, tell the Church.
If he refuses to listen even to the Church,
then treat him as you would a Gentile or a tax collector
." Matt. 18:15-17
Since you're presumably not implying a fault so serious that it should get the offender thrown out of the assembly, you'll want to dial back the response accordingly, obviously.

As for the guy at church, he made the mistake of thinking that "who were you talking to?" did not also mean "what were you talking about?" He's the one who had the conversation with the person. He probably knows whether this person asked him to spread the word. You don't.

In that case, just say, "I'm sorry. I only meant that I didn't know who that person was. I'm not comfortable knowing the rest." And let the subject drop.

Please learn a little more endurance in these matters, as well:
Then Peter approaching asked him, "Lord, if my brother sins against me, how often must I forgive him? As many as seven times?" Jesus answered, "I say to you, not seven times but seventy-seven times." Matt. 18:21-22


#4

Sometimes the best you can do is just speak the truth and leave it at that. If your Bible study friends want to gossip, you don't have to participate in the chatter. And keep in mind that people can speak about the situations of others without it actually being gossip. It is unreasonable to expect everyone to never mention other people.

And with the homeless man comment, it sounds like you might be worrying too long about it. It happend, you knew it was wrong and you admitted it, but now it's time to move on. I have that same problem too - I spend too much time worrying about things I said and did in the past. :o


closed #5

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