maybe somebody here can help me with some words of comfort, maybe this has been one of the worst days in my life, I feel so… I don’t even know.
Maybe some of you who have seen me here on the forums before remeber a recent post i wrote about my grandfather being sick and me living in a different country.
To clarify just shortly, God has this year fulfilled a dream for me that I have had for many years. I could move legally to the country of my dreams, get my residence permit there, maybe for the first time really be an adult (I am almost 40 now ) and make my own living ( I live from street music!). Very very very happy. So very grateful. it was miraculous, how it all happened, if I may say that. Sometimes I still hardly can believe it, so wonderfully it all worked out after so many years; hard years too, and then… wow, such blessing.
Ok. So that other post was about how my grandfather had gotten very sick and had to go to the hospital. My mother had e-mailed me a lot about it, how he was doing. i was planning to fly back for a visit anyway around the end of september, and so we said I would wait and visit him then. I also talked to my grdanmother o the phone etc.
So for the first time since February I flew back to my home country (even though the new country really feels like home now, i must add that. Really.), to stay with my parents, get some leftover paperwork done, and of course spend time with my grandmother and visit my granddad at the hospital.
I came on septr 24 and was planning to return September 30. That is: Today.
I went to see my gradnfather three times at the hospital (it isn’t close to where my parents live with whom I was stayng), spent time with family, got things done… and in my heart, this is important, still knew I had found my new life in a different place, happy to go back again today, maybe visit again around Christmas… this is all within Europe so it isn’t ALL that far but with a smaller budget far enough…
So I was all packed up last night, everything planned, going to bed, my parents would drive me to the airport in the morning, I’d arrive in the afternoon and go on with my life… blessed, happy. Happy to have been with family, happy to have my own life now, happy to be so blessed.
Then, maybe about half an hour after I went to sleep, sometime after 1am my Mom woke me up saying my grandfather had died.
Then the tornness began. Should I fly anyway or not??? I can hardly describe such tornness, I was just lying in bed with my heart beating fast fast and sweating, the dilemma was just too too too big. I already have a very very very sensitive conscience, but at the same time string dreams and wish to follow my path…how could I make such a decision??? (later praying calmed me a bit)
For my grandmother it was veryimportant that I stayed for the funeral.
So I was lying there thinking, thinking… not sleeping at all and I cannot deal wlel with lack of sleep… I was thinking, maybe I could fly anyway, becazse, didn’t Jesus say to somebody let the deare bury their dead? I was hoping… I was hoping I could fly anyway. I was hoping my parents would return saying of course I should fly anyway, it wouldn’t help my granddad if I stayed now that he was dead. At the same time I was thinking, could I change the flight, I think if there is a death in the family, they would make an exception… But also thinking of how I needed to make a living and could not lose more days of working (playing music). Many financial obligations, must pay health insurance, rent, etc… then it came to me that my insurance only paid until today and how could I renew that from abroad? I must admit, I was almost relieved, yes, I must admit that I hoped I couldn’t make the changes to the flight so that the dilemma was gone and I HAD TO fly.
these thoughts made me feel guilty though.
I wonder how natural they are or if I am a bad and selfish person?
Turns out that my family was expecting very much for me to stay. In the morning still though i felt I had to go anyway… I wanted to, it was planned that way… but how would I feel, woulnd’t I feel guilty?
I made some phone calls, it turned out I could change my flight, it turned out I could solve the problem with the inusrance, other complications I could solve anyway… and so I did change it. Flying on Sunday afternoon now (the funeral is on Saturday). Was with family all day today almost, saw my graddad in the coffin, there was a lot to talk about, to plan… (and yes he had had it very difficult in the end so the death was also a sort of relief, no more suffering…)
How… ok, how do I say this? Does it sound to you like I am a bad and selfish person for having had those thoughts? Yes, I must ask that, do you think those thoughts were sinful, maybe mortally sinful? Didn’t make it to mass today, but planning on going tomorrow morning, NEED NEED NEED it. Communion ok? I think I made the right decision, but yes, I HAD hoped that it would turn out I had to fly anyway. Does that make me a bad person? Was that a sin? Am I… I don’t know. I am just so confused, maybe it is only my brain not working right because of the lack of sleep, I fetl physically terrible today, and now it is again going toward 10.30 pm. Can somebody give me some words of… advice? Comfort? Peace? or maybe, words of caution, maybe I have really had too selfish thoughts? I don’t know; maybe it is only important that in the end I DID decide to stay for the funeral, especially because it was so important for my grandmother. I don’t know, i somehow keep thinking I… am… I don’t know, I still have this torrnness inside, I am so very happy with my new life, it is such a blessing, I hope I am still allowed to feel this happiness… Can somebdoy say somethign? Thank you…
confused, really now.