deleted. Thanks for all who were helpful, you may continue responding but i have been very helped by the answers and will not need to read further. God bless
Sure! He can accompany her with one or both parents for an all day outing.
If he is the birthday gift then they’re definitely not just:
I would tell her she is welcome to invite him out to a birthday dinner with the family.
I’m not sure I would have said he was no longer welcome in your home- it seems odd to tell him he can’t come over, but then drop them off somewhere alone and unsupervised. If the boy apologized and seems like a nice enough kid, banning him from your home is going to encourage them to sneak around more.
Yes, my husband and I may join but he really doesn’t want to see him. He would only do it to make her happy on her day
Yes I understand, he is a nice enough kid, i was traumatized when i saw them (they say teen years are tough and this is my first time dealing with teenagers)
You mean, in the house when they were supposed to be at school?
It behooves parents to be intrusive into these kinds of relationships, so that teens don’t end up becoming parents before graduating high school. Some think that chaperoning is old fashioned, but this is how young people need to be protected.
Getting to know your teens’ friends, spending MORE time with them and making yourself part of their lives and choices is appropriate, even when your inner self wants to avoid it. Bottom line, teens are old enough to make their own choices, and not all of them are to their benefit. You cannot, by disapproval, stop your daughter from being involved with this boy, but you can make yourself very present.
It sounds like a shock reaction, but I agree. The teens can be told that it was said out of grief and it can be retracted. He should be invited over to spend time with the family. The teens should not be permitted to seclude themselves in a room or other unsupervised area of the house.
Trust was broken by the daughter, and she is the one that should be held responsible. Not that the boy isn’t, but the parents have the responsibility to shape the daughter’s decision making process, and she made poor decisions. She needs to keep practicing until she can make better ones.
Thank you. I will think of where all 4 of us can go and have a pleasant time. She wants an amusement park but i’m not big on rides (but it’s her birthday)
I appreciate your thoughtful advice thank you
edit- yes when i saw them in the house
That’s very interesting that you should say we shouldn’t restrict him from coming over. He was in her room. It was a shock reaction certainly. She has proven trustworthy since
I did not say there should be no restrictions. Teens should never be in the room together with the door closed. It just provides a near occasion for sin. While it is understandable that you felt shocked, it is also necessary to expect that such things can/do happen. Kids today are steeped in a culture that promotes pre-marital sex, contraception, out of wedlock birth, etc.
Have him over when you or your husband are present and can supervise. Talk to him about why you were shocked and upset, so he understands your reaction and expectations. How do you know he will not end up as your son in law, or the father of your grandchild?
This sounds so right, I will share this with my husband. I thank you so much. We’ve been praying for her spouse since before high school! After this happened we were thinking…welp he’s definitely not the one but only God knows.
I will share this thread with my husband this evening. We are both devoted Catholics who could use guidance from our wiser more experienced brothers and sisters in Christ.Thank you!
What exactly was “traumatizing”? This seems a little disproportionate to the situation.
I think you “trapped” yourself by this consequence that you probably uttered while you were angry and in shock.
First, you can take it back. I told my children more than once that I reconsidered their original consequences after much thought and prayer. This sets a good example of humility to your daughter.
Second, try to get in the habit of not dishing out consequences at the moment. Especially with teens it’s complex. I had to say often “I’m really angry now, you’ll find out your consequences later”
Your daughter, at 15 has free will given by God. Ideally, you should be gently walking alongside her, guiding her as she makes mistakes, chooses friends (even bad ones) and learns lessons. You are preparing her for life. It’s so hard, praying for you.
This is excellent advice. It prevents snap judgments, overly unrealistic consequences (you are “never”…) and allows some cool down time.
While as an adult I totally understand teens should not be alone together unsupervised in one or the other’s home, it also isn’t necessarily nefarious if they are (not making any comment on the OP’s situation because the daughter apparently skipped school and that’s another issue). I can recall an incident from my own high school days where I and my boyfriend at the time ended up in his house alone (juniors in high school). we didn’t set out to be alone at his house. We were at my house during holidays and we wanted to watch a particular football bowl game. The TV in my house is in a den that also was the guest room and we couldn’t be in there b/c visiting family were occupying it or something… I don’t remember… and he suggested “hey let’s go to my house”. When we get there, his mom, dad, and grandma are not there, although there are about 5 cars in the driveway. We’re thinking, “they just ran to the store or something, they’ll be right back” and proceed to sit down in the living room and watch the football game (no cell phones or texting back in the dark ages). When they got home his mom was about 10 shades of angry and I was basically deemed an unacceptable influence and a Jezebel in their midst. Um, what? Was it the best decision to go ahead and start watching the game when they weren’t there? Probably not-- but it was pretty innocent. I guess instead we could have just left and been alone in his car somewhere… that would have been SO much less problematic. ha.
You poor thing! I recall making some really goofy decisions as a teen and being totally embarrassed. Some consequences I deserved, some were really over the top!
To the original poster: it seems your daughter does have a relationship/friendship with this young man. If you don’t believe they had sex perhaps it was a one time bad decision? It might be worth giving him a second chance and getting to know him a bit?
Bit severe for a 15 year old. Did you have reason to believe they were up to anything bad?
Are you telling me to allow a 15 year old to have a smartphone with no monitoring?
Hi Her phone does have several restrictions.
Thank you, I appreciate your advice.
Shocked. perhaps not traumatized