Hello everyone I was wondering if some of you could share your experience and advice regarding dating as according to or similar to my situation.
I live in Los Angeles. I was born Catholic but fell away from the faith in my late teens as I abandoned the Church due to influence from Protestantism and eventually fell into drug addiction and Shamanism exploring my spirituality in the dangerous world of drug culture. For ten years I was very active in the Goth and Rave communities. Along the way I met the girl who up to this point has been the love of my life and we were together for nearly four years. She is a semi famous DJ and model in the Goth community and I was an alternative fashion model as well.
She was raised Catholic and born in Ireland but like me had left the faith and dabbled in paganism. Though we had our religious differences (as I had never abandoned my faith in Christ completely) we seemed to get along very well and we had a wonderful relationship. However as our drug use progressed it started to chip holes in our relationship and some issues were beginning to develop. Despite all this we were very much in love and decided we would get married at Burning Man (if you’re not familiar with this decadent art festival you should probably look it up online)
I had not realized how spiritually in danger I was. Believe me or not but the day I was going to leave for the festival I was diabolically attacked by demonic forces. I tried to shake it off but it had begun to really mess up everything. Despite my difficulties I pressed on and we drove across country to the festival. When we got there everything seemed to be fine but on the inside I was having a theological melt down questioning my place in the universe and everything that had happened up to this point. I began to think maybe I was on the wrong path. You see I was so hardened in my sinful life I thought I was completely justified but I began to think maybe who I was at the time and the things I was doing were evil. I felt all the upcoming pressure and responsibility of marriage and was trying to make sense of it all. I started to get really scared and began to think if things continued the way they were I was destined for Hell.
I began to realize this wasn’t how I wanted my life to be, and the decadence that I was so familiar with began to seem like rebellion against God. I don’t know if any of you have ever been to Burning Man but It is a huge art festival in the middle of the black rock desert in Nevada and there are people dressed in all sorts of obscene costumes engaging in God knows what and the highlights of the entire festival are massive installation artworks and a gigantic wooden effigy of a man that they burn. It seems to be very influenced by ancient pagan rites and it doesn’t seem like Christians are exactly welcome there.
The seemingly demonic forces began to torment me again and were trying to convince me that my girlfriend was the source of the evil I was experiencing. I spent some time alone from her and tried to gather my thoughts and I tried to get advice from one of the female pagan ministers we were traveling with in anticipation of seeing my girlfriend. My questions went mostly unanswered as I didn’t have the courage to tell anybody exactly what I was experiencing. I had made a decision to be sober that day because I was somewhat uncertain if what I was experiencing was drug related or not.
I ended up finding some shade by our tent-like structure where we were all residing and had made an attempt to appeal to God for help. I expected as most people do to hear nothing but I knew my girlfriend was back at the tent waiting for me and because of what the demonic had told me I was scared of her. Out of nowhere a loud voice came to me and said “Joshua, this is your father!” The voice seemed so strong and invincible It shook me to the core and I was immediately convinced that it God the Father almighty. I was so in fear and awe that I felt paralyzed to the ground as I lay on my back and accidentally urinated myself. I couldn’t move. God warned me that whatever I do, when I was to see my wife to be I shouldn’t have intimate relations with her.
When I had regained control of my body I went back to the tent to wash up and change my pants without telling anybody what had happened. My girlfriend was there and I fell into temptation, disobayed God, and we ended up making love.
I felt terrible and nothing was resolved. When the rest of the group came back the seeming to be leader of our group which was a pharmacutical chemist saw that I was restless and offered me a pill for my anxiety which I vehemently denied though he was quite persistent and then it immediately began to rain.
I didn’t know if I was crazy or what and began to doubt my sanity. I knew I had to be honest with my girlfriend and try to explain to her what was going on so I asked her to come with me to this place by the center of the festival where we could be alone and try to connect with her because I felt so discontent and unstable.
We came to a place where there was a painting of Pan and a painting of a Phoenix side by side with a metal bell in between them. I in my crazy state saw Pan as the devil and the phoenix as a symbol for the resurrection of Christ. I sat under the phoenix and she sat under the Pan and I asked her to come over to my side and sit next to me, but she said “I like this side.” That was it it seemed like the last chance for me to talk rationally with her. I was so terrified from everything that I experienced and I felt like I was utterly doomed. The diabolic kept pressuring me that she was the source of all this evil, and they would not leave me alone.
we explored for a little bit and went back to the tent around nightfall and we were the only ones in the tent. She tried very hard to comfort me and gave me some of our secret inside jokes and things like that that only we knew as lovers. We were both artists for a very long time and she gave me one of our inside gestures and poked me on the nose which meant art was the meaning of life. I no longer believed this as I had appealed to God and looked for God as Love and believed that God and Love which are united to be the meaning of life. I flipped out. The demonic oppressed me and I pushed her away from me and without thinking told her “you’re the devil and the worst thing that has ever happened to me.” I had no control, I had just cursed the love of my life. Out of shame I burst into tears and ran She chased me into the desert. She tried to hug me, tried to calm me down, tried to tell me she was my soulmate. I couldn’t listen i was so overcome with fear. I pushed her away from me and she began to cry and I ran out into the middle of the desert and got lost in the festival.
I had no Idea where I was. Had no Idea how to reconcile with her and I felt like everything was doomed. I felt all these demonic voices oppressing me. In the middle of the desert I came to the dark realization that in my late teens I had inadvertantly made a pact with the Devil to dance with a former object of my infatuation in my late teens. Which came to pass and I felt like the devil was coming to what was supposed to be the greatest day of my life to collect his due. I was so filled with shame and distress I was devastated and I fell to the desert floor. Memories flooded my mind and I knew I was destined for damnation.
With nowhere else left to go I went to the giant wooden Idol in the middle of the festival and sat there and everywhere I went I saw the face of the girl I had made the pact for. Though I felt defeated by the devil I refused to pay honor to a wooden Idol. I never really loved this other girl I was just infatuated and I could never love her as much as I loved my fiance. I felt dupe cheated and destroyed by the enemy. I felt like my life was over. For a few hours I had tried to make my way back to my campsite to reconcile with my girlfriend. I thought I should tell her everything. But alas I couldn’t find it. The voices were relentless and wouldn’t leave me alone. Sometimes the demonic voices imitated my girlfriend crying and begging me to stay with her. Filled with grief and hopelessness I decided to leave the festival and wander into the open desert to die.
I climbed over the Black Rock Mountains and saw the festival from far away. I determined to never look back believing that if I returned the devil would be waiting for me. The further I got from the festival the more the voices subsided and I begged the mercy of the Lord.
I felt like Lot leaving Sodom and Gomorrah. I felt like there was no hope for me in that cursed place of decadence and sin. The demonic voices ceased the further I got away.
In the open desert I started to get massively dehydrated but I didn’t care. I didn’t care if I lived or died I knew that if I went back the devil would be there to take my soul to Hell. So I pressed on for hours into the open desert and the wind seemed to pass straight through my body. I felt my heart slowing down and for a while it seemed to not beat at all. Strangely I was alive and I kept wandering past the mountains and brush through the open desert.