I need help, I have been feeling depressed and suicidal and I don’t know what to do with my life. I got enganged, but I’m not really ready to get married but at the same time I don’t want to loose my fiance since something similar has happened to me in the past which is where my original depression started. I haven’t really talk about this secret part of my life because of fear of rejection but I need it to get it all out and I hope someone can guide me since I don’t want to make a decision that is going to affect me for the rest of my life.
It all started when I was 17. One day, I was sad, I went online and met a guy (name Juan) from a different state. We chatted via aol (there was no facebook or myspace craze during that time). We chatted, talked in the phone for hours and hours as the months went by. I never felt so connected and good talking to a guy that had the same things in common like me, he is latino like me, we shared the same Catholic views, morals, beliefs, he even went to a retreat. We talked about relationships, friendship, God, religion, we agree in everything. Slowly, I started to fall in love with him and he did too! He asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes. I never had in my life felt so connected to someone like him. I felt he was my soulmate, what connect me with him was the deep communication we both developed. Several months went by, we talked everynight, nobody knew about my relationship, I was afraid to tell my parents or friends, so I pretented that I had no boyfriend.
I graduated from High School, slowy I started to leave my relationship with God, and I started to put Juan as my Idol. We were so but so close, that we then started to talk about what we both would do sexually. It all started innocent, but slowly our relationship was revolving about sex. Since I left God, I had no power to stop, I felt enslaved, dirty, guilty and I couldn;t talk to anybody about it because nobody new about my relationship. So I would pretend to be happy, to be a nice girl infront of my family and friends. I met the guy several times, all which were very physical ( I didn’t had sex with him because I was virgin, and wanted to wait until marriage, but I would considered it was close though) All which left me much worse and depressed, but still pretend to my family and friends that I was happy.
Since then, I felt a great deception with Juan, the man I love the most, destroyed my innocence. Therefore, I wanted to get out of the relationship plus I was afraid of what my family would said of a guy from a different state since my approval for my father is huge since he didn’t approved my previous relationship.
Then I met Mike, I felt attracted to him, and we started to date. I broke up with Juan, and with Mike I pretented I was happy but I wasn’t. I wanted Mike to give me the same happiness and connection that I had with Juan. But Mike was different, he was colder, but I didn’t cared I wanted to connect with him and I forced myself to like him. My heart became cold, inddiferent, I was unhappy, I didn’t felt anything, I was nummbed, I wasn’t myself anymore but I surpressed everything infront of my family and everyone that I was happy. Deep down I was still in love with Juan, I was myself with him. He was the man I loved very deeply. Later, I discovered Juan is dating a new woman, and they get married which it broke my heart into two, and it still hurts me when I think about it, but again I surpressed those feelings too.
My relationship with God, its hard to explain because I didn’t really had an intimate connection with him, but I always tried to obey him, and do everything right even though I didn’t his presence.
I was still dating Mike, pretending I was happy. Several years went by, since I was unhappy with my life, the only thing that brought me happiness was my career, I’m designer and I because super passionate about my career. I cared more about my career than anything in the world. But with the recession, the company I worked closed down, I injured my back due to moving boxes, then I got my neck injured from a chiropractor that tried to fix my back. I started to get panic attacks,
I felt into deep depression, I went to the emergency like 5 times in a row, I started to get panic attacks everywhere, I was so scared of my injured neck, I was so bad that I just wanted to be in bed. My heart, my relationship with God, my career, my health, the ability to be myself all gone, I felt alone, I was in bed most of the time and cried. 2 months later I started working part time twice a week. I could barely work, I was so tired, fatigued, back pain, neck pain, depressed. Plus my boss treated me like if I wasn’t good enough (in my previous job, I was happy I was handle big projects, and I felt good). Since I was unhappy, I started to rebel, I started cheating in Mike with another guy, it was the only thing that made me happy and exited. Then I cheated with several guys, one eventually raped me and I lost my virginity I think because I didn’t wanted to have sex but he forced me. Then again, I repressed all of those emotions, my back pain got much and much worse, and I got more anxiety. I broke up with Mike because of all the guilt I felt. But then I met another guy, that until this day I talk to which became very sexual by person and by phone. Its like an addiction, it was the only thing that made me feel good, but then I felt much much much worse. Then I broke up with that guy, I wanted to go back with Mike because he always has respected me and we never had sex, we had a “healthy” relationship, we always did activities that help us grow. We got back together, I told Mike of everything, he accepted me how I was since he told me he fell in love with my heart. But then the new guy appeared in my life again, and I started to see him behind Mike. I can’t stop seeing him,he is so seductive, very attractive, and very expressive. I don’t know what to do.