Well, I’m about to go to bed. I’ve been crying for the past hour or so just reading these forums. What people say about vocations for people with SSA.
A lot of people on these forums and the Church in general have some very negative views of people with SSA. I won’t say “homosexuals” bc God forbid I possibly categorize myself in that way. I have enough SSA that even if I was slightly attracted to women, I’m too insecure to ask one out. Has anyone thought of that? There are probably plenty of people with SSA out there who feel that they couldn’t be a good husband because of this struggle. That’s what I think. Why do that to that woman? Why should she have to deal with that? She deserves a better man than me. So, even if I had some mild attraction to women… that’s why I can’t take that any further. There are plenty of married people with SSA. Well, there are also plenty of ppl with SSA who are just too awkward in relating the opposite sex to even really “give it a go” and therefore don’t even really think about it much. Idk… I thought I’d post that rant. I would guess most people on CAF have never had this occur to them in the slightest, when it comes to people with Same Sex Attraction.
I’m gonna cry myself to sleep again tonight.
Most people on these forums seem like they’d happily grab a pitchfork to stop me from entering a seminary or religious order. Quite frankly, the idea of single life seems unbearable to me. But, apparently I’m basically consigned to single life just because I have SSA.
I don’t want to be consigned to something. Don’t I get the opportunity to discern like anyone else? Because that’s what it feels like if you didn’t realize it. It feels like discerning through process of elimination.
Well, I’m gay, so obviously I couldn’t do any of those things. So… what’s left then?
That’s what it feels like.
Isn’t that why we even use the term “SSA”? Because it implies that I am not the sum of my sexual orientation. Because same-sex attraction isn’t a sexual orientation. Opposite sex attraction isn’t a sexual orientation either. Those are just things we experience. ____ experiences _____ attractions. Sexual orientation is: heterosexual, homosexual, somewhere in between (bisexual) or some ppl have asexual.
I don’t want to be reduced to my sexual orientation. Most people other than my close friends don’t know that I’m gay. They just know me as someone who is a faithful Catholic. I see them at Mass, sometimes daily Mass. I defend what the Church teaches, sometimes very articulately. I help them put on Catholic retreats. I help them do pro-life stuff.
I’m sorry if I’m rambling. Read my previous threads about my personal situation. Much of its on CAF already.
I’m so very frustrated because the response of the Church to people like me has been very very bad. And very very little.
Most often I have to try to prove that I’m an orthodox Catholic.
I’ve been doing Catholic things for several years now. Over 4 years I’ve been actively practicing again. Going to Mass and confession regularly for over 4 years. I’m almost 24 years old. I’ve never done anything with another man. I’ve never done anything with anyone. I’ve never held someone’s hand romantically. Nothing.
And I’m miserable. I haven’t lived in the “gay lifestyle” at all. I’ve been doing what the Church wants me to do. I am a sinner obviously. I have a pornography problem. But, is that really the sum of all that is wrong with my life? Is that the cause of all my misery?
I think its really that the Church doesn’t have a whole lot for me to do.
Again, single life sounds absolutely terrible. I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life. The thought of that makes me not want to live. [Yeah, that’s right, if you haven’t guessed, I have depression]. If my lot is seriously single life, then honestly I don’t know how long I’ll make it. I might kill myself before living single life for the rest of my life. I might decide to engage in the gay lifestyle… [Which again, I’ve never done].
I just want community. Read some threads where the only word I use is COMMUNITY. How can a single life person have community? I want to do what the Church says. But, again… I’d rather live with another man that have to live alone the rest of my life. The rest of my life might not be a very long time if I have to be alone [IE: I could end it prematurely].
I put this in the prayer section bc if people have nothing nice to say to me, then they can at least pray for me. I think one more hurtful thing from a poster on CAF will crush my spirit. It makes me cry a lot. Good night.