I know there’s already been a million similar posts about this, but I’m still posting it.
Keep in mind that just writing this post, my head is spinning trying to figure and remember what I want to write. Now imagine what its like to try to explain this to someone in person…you can’t, you just can’t imagine it if you haven’t seen it or experienced it yourself.
-I struggle with impurity among myself.
-I’m switching jobs.
-I go to school out of state, 200 miles away from home, this makes seeking an effective counselor on a long term basis extremely difficult. Having my CDL and medical card also restricts me to DOT approved medications that don’t cause drowsiness.
-I work at school, and I’ve been given a project- fixing an almost unfix-able vehicle.
-I struggle with my sleep schedule and therefore getting up in the morning.
-I struggle with my faith.
-I struggle with studying despite having a 3.8 GPA…usually I can’t focus on reading for more than a paragraph at a time and always gets done at the last minute, like most things in my life. Ironically, this is stuff that I want to learn about. Also, it’s kind of important to know stuff when working on a $300k piece of equipment.
-I struggle with not having a person in my life to whom I can tell anything to. My mom is great, but I can’t talk to her about being impure because fear and anxiety prevents me. I just recently was able to tell her that I go to church at school after not having been in a decade. And to put it bluntly, my dad didn’t decide to be a dad until my parents got divorced when I was 8. He was still there and everything, but it damaged my relationship with him.
-I’m going to SLS18 in Chicago and so that involves fundraising, and I go to a weekly bible study at the Newman center. Both of which are good things, but…bandwidth is limited.
There are times when I am so fraught with depression, anxiety, and guilt that I almost feel paralyzed. Not physically, but every bone in my body is telling me not to snap out of it. The other day, I literally stared at the floor while trying to get my homework done for half an hour until I fell asleep, and woke up again around 4 am by chance so I could make sure my alarm was set for 6:30.
I’d like to be able to pray all 5 decades of the rosary, read the bible daily and go to daily mass and confession every day that it’s offered, but I only have so much bandwidth. It feels like something is preventing me from even talking to God, never mind going to mass and confession (although I have been able to go to mass every week and confession at least every other week but it feels like my mind is often absent from it). And it seems that the closer to 100% my tolerance level gets smaller and smaller. Just the slightest thing could ruin my entire day because my cup is already 98% full…every day…for the past 2-3 weeks.
Even with all this, I’m still able to stuff all of it in the back of my head most days and make myself look happy. Some days are actually good days, but not lately.
I have more more semester left, during which I’m predicting that I’ll be slightly less busy .