Depression, suicidal thoughts, major hatred towards the church... Please help.


#1

Hi.

I'm a 16 (17 in July) year old Roman Catholic guy that's been struggling with many things in his life. Since about four months ago though i've been suffering from major depression. I sleep all day, I eat all day, I CANNOT stand being around anyone or talking to anyone, i've contemplated suicide many many times, and much much more. Recently it has gotten much worse. I'm struggling to find my faith and struggling to face the day. A lot of times I will be happy, but then out of no where the depression comes back and gets worse, and right now i'm close to my breaking point. As a child i've been also suffering from masturbation and pornography addiction, and every time I do it I feel such hate in myself and many times i've wanted to harm myself because of it. I've been trying to quit but nothing has been working. God knows i've been trying, but it's only getting excessive. This problem that I am going through plays a major role in the depression. Both that addiction and my past, a past of being an outcast, bullied and completely left out and lonely, with no one to go, plays a big role in my I feel depressed. I cannot control my depression nor can I control my moods and feelings and I do not know where to go from this point nor what to do. I've mentioned the depression and the suicidal thoughts, but one big thing that's been happening is that i've been growing this huge hatred against the church. Just last night as I sat down I did not want to be there at all, and I felt a lot of anger inside. I couldn't stand being in there at all, and that is not like me at all because I used to love being in church. Now I can't even pray anymore and lots of times I have this voice inside me that just tells me to get away from God and the church. I've also been getting this huge hatred towards all humanity. I honestly am starting to hate every single person in the world apart from by mom, dad, sister and the local priests that I know and who know of me.

I don't know what to think anymore or what to do anymore, which is why i'm here, asking for both prayers and advice. Please do not mention a therapist. Talking to someone, which I have done numerous times, doesn't help me at all and a therapist can't explain my recent annoyance and hatred towards the church or every single person I encounter.

Thank you and God bless.


#2

By the way, the hatred and annoyance towards the church started around a couple of weeks ago, not just last night.


#3

I am praying for you.

You must - MUST- find someone to speak to. Whether that's a priest, teacher, school counselor, or another trusted adult. Please do this!


#4

i'm praying for you. I know you are goign through a really rough time and i was thinking is there anything you love to do in your spare time? Also, you have said that you feel like an outsider maybe doing voluntary work with the elderly or helping out with the childern at the childern;s liturgy, i think helping out others may enable you to see things in a more positve way as i know you have said you do not want to talk to anyone. How about doing something you have always wanted to do but never have done, which will give you a sense of achievement and a new direction in life.


#5

Holy Spirit I ask Your healing action in this person's soul, mind, and life.
St Michael I ask your intercession and intervention.
Mother Mary please pray for this person.


#6

You have my sympathy. I suffer from severe major depression as well. My life changed when I read the diary of St. Faustina, who clearly had depression. Jesus told Faustina that we who go through these intense sufferings are chosen by God to atone the sins of the world and save souls. The saints in the church are all people who suffered at some point in their life; pure love is tested by suffering. If you truly love someone, then you would be willing to suffer for them if it meant they would be spared. "Pure love understands these words, carnal love will never understand them." Straight from Jesus, told to St. Faustina. Trust in the great mercy that flows from Jesus' heart. Jesus told Faustina that no soul that has ever called upon the mercy of Jesus has ever been disappointed. Say this prayer with all of your heart, and do your best to meditate on its goodness; "O blood and water, which gushed forth from the Heart of Jesus as a fount of mercy, I trust in you." I will tell you that when I have said this prayer with all of my heart and trusted in Jesus' goodness, the pains that my weary soul experienced turned to joy and love for God and all of mankind.


#7

Praying for you and hoping that you will be able to get help soon.

Thank you for opening up to us here, even though there is little we can do other than offer prayers.

As another poster has already said, even though you don't want to, you MUST find someone to talk to. Someone who can take the to really help you delve into things. Something that is impossible to do here.

That said though, can you articulate what is making you angry at the Church?

Maybe we could start there...

Peace
James


#8

Seriously dude, I beg that you read my post from above. I am only 3 years older then you and I suffer from severe depression as well. You have to read the diary of St. Faustina; as someone with very similar problems, I can't tell you how much it helped me.


#9

Thanks for all the prayers!

[quote="DeniseNY, post:3, topic:274308"]
I am praying for you.

You must - MUST- find someone to speak to. Whether that's a priest, teacher, school counselor, or another trusted adult. Please do this!

[/quote]

Talking to someone does not help me at all.

[quote="pearlypops, post:4, topic:274308"]
i'm praying for you. I know you are goign through a really rough time and i was thinking is there anything you love to do in your spare time? Also, you have said that you feel like an outsider maybe doing voluntary work with the elderly or helping out with the childern at the childern;s liturgy, i think helping out others may enable you to see things in a more positve way as i know you have said you do not want to talk to anyone. How about doing something you have always wanted to do but never have done, which will give you a sense of achievement and a new direction in life.

[/quote]

I'm a usher at my church, and like I said, I can't stand doing it anymore nor being in church. I used to love to play guitar but I lost interest in every single thing. All I do now is sleep all day and eat. That sums up my day.

[quote="Brony4life, post:6, topic:274308"]
You have my sympathy. I suffer from severe major depression as well. My life changed when I read the diary of St. Faustina, who clearly had depression. Jesus told Faustina that we who go through these intense sufferings are chosen by God to atone the sins of the world and save souls. The saints in the church are all people who suffered at some point in their life; pure love is tested by suffering. If you truly love someone, then you would be willing to suffer for them if it meant they would be spared. "Pure love understands these words, carnal love will never understand them." Straight from Jesus, told to St. Faustina. Trust in the great mercy that flows from Jesus' heart. Jesus told Faustina that no soul that has ever called upon the mercy of Jesus has ever been disappointed. Say this prayer with all of your heart, and do your best to meditate on its goodness; "O blood and water, which gushed forth from the Heart of Jesus as a fount of mercy, I trust in you." I will tell you that when I have said this prayer with all of my heart and trusted in Jesus' goodness, the pains that my weary soul experienced turned to joy and love for God and all of mankind.

[/quote]

Do you know where I can find that diary you're talking about?

[quote="JRKH, post:7, topic:274308"]
Praying for you and hoping that you will be able to get help soon.

Thank you for opening up to us here, even though there is little we can do other than offer prayers.

As another poster has already said, even though you don't want to, you MUST find someone to talk to. Someone who can take the to really help you delve into things. Something that is impossible to do here.

That said though, can you articulate what is making you angry at the Church?

Maybe we could start there...

Peace
James

[/quote]

I have no clue why I grew that hatred. Now-a-days I basically have annoyance being at church and being around people, especially when they all have smiles on their faces.


#10

I know you don't want to hear it, but if one therapist does not work it does not mean that another will not. Keep trying to find the person you connect with whether it be therapist, priest or spiritual director -- or all of the above.

Speak with a priest.
Call a retreat house near you and make an appointment with a Spiritual Director.
Make a schedule and try and stick to it -- even if you only accomplish one thing per day.
Go to Confession.
Go to Mass and receive the Eucharist.
Lent is coming up -- make sure to go to Mass on Wednesday and receive the ashes.
Do Eucharistic adoration.
Volunteer at the food pantry or some other place.

The masturbation issue should not keep you from the Church. Your struggle is not uncommon. You are not the sin. The Church does not hate YOU for your sin. You are being hard on yourself for your failure, but relief comes eventually. It does not happen overnight. Your depression has skewed the way you view yourself and the way you view God, and how you believe God sees you.

However, if you begin with what I have suggested I think you will see some improvement -- which will bring about more resolve and more improvement. Faith is something we build on.

I'm concerned because your anger at yourself is being placed upon others -- family, priests, Church. You need help with this anger.

I promise you, with prayer, regular confession and regular attendance at Mass it will get better. Make an appointment to see your physician and get a recommendation for another therapist.

Please pray. Prayer is habit. It works when you work it, even if you don't want to do it.

O Christ Jesus,
when all is darkness
and we feel our weakness and helplessness,
give us the sense of Your presence,
Your love, and Your strength.
Help us to have perfect trust
in Your protecting love
and strengthening power,
so that nothing may frighten or worry us,
for, living close to You,
we shall see Your hand,
Your purpose, Your will through all things.

By Saint Ignatius of Loyola

God Bless.


#11

Praying hard for you brother. Talk to your parents, a priest, or a teacher! Get help! People care about you!


#12

Diary of St. Faustina can be found:

Here


#13

Mood disorders are a medical condition. Please seek medical help. I am not a big advocate of antidepressant drugs, but you need a qualified professional to treat your condition.

You are in my prayers.


#14

[quote="Leegal, post:10, topic:274308"]
I know you don't want to hear it, but if one therapist does not work it does not mean that another will not. Keep trying to find the person you connect with whether it be therapist, priest or spiritual director -- or all of the above.

Speak with a priest.
Call a retreat house near you and make an appointment with a Spiritual Director.
Make a schedule and try and stick to it -- even if you only accomplish one thing per day.
Go to Confession.
Go to Mass and receive the Eucharist.
Lent is coming up -- make sure to go to Mass on Wednesday and receive the ashes.
Do Eucharistic adoration.
Volunteer at the food pantry or some other place.

The masturbation issue should not keep you from the Church. Your struggle is not uncommon. You are not the sin. The Church does not hate YOU for your sin. You are being hard on yourself for your failure, but relief comes eventually. It does not happen overnight. Your depression has skewed the way you view yourself and the way you view God, and how you believe God sees you.

However, if you begin with what I have suggested I think you will see some improvement -- which will bring about more resolve and more improvement. Faith is something we build on.

I'm concerned because your anger at yourself is being placed upon others -- family, priests, Church. You need help with this anger.

I promise you, with prayer, regular confession and regular attendance at Mass it will get better. Make an appointment to see your physician and get a recommendation for another therapist.

Please pray. Prayer is habit. It works when you work it, even if you don't want to do it.

O Christ Jesus,
when all is darkness
and we feel our weakness and helplessness,
give us the sense of Your presence,
Your love, and Your strength.
Help us to have perfect trust
in Your protecting love
and strengthening power,
so that nothing may frighten or worry us,
for, living close to You,
we shall see Your hand,
Your purpose, Your will through all things.

By Saint Ignatius of Loyola

God Bless.

[/quote]

You don't understand. The masturbation and me feeling guilty about it isn't what's keeping me from wanting to go to church. I've lived with this addiction since I was around 10 (Yes, six and a half freaking years) and i've always wanted to go to church, but recently i've been feeling a sense of disgust right when I walk in, and the depression doesn't have to do much with it either, because a month ago I was still feeling depressed and I loved going to church.

[quote="Leegal, post:12, topic:274308"]
Diary of St. Faustina can be found:

Here

[/quote]

Is there a free version of it online or some sort?


#15

please check in the emergency room at your nearest hospital. this is not something you can escape from. "if" you have bi-polar depression you have a substance missing
in your brain. a psychiatrist is needed for the evaluation and diagnosis.
if it is bipolar you will need a drug that matches the chemical substance that is
missing as close as possible.
if it is depression--that is probably transitory--but the shrink is needed to evaluate if this is a temporary state or not. teen age years are not easy.

suicidal thoughts are emergency room --time to go there!!!


#16

You sound like a fighter, at 16 and posting this took a ton of bravery! Reach down inside and pray for the Holy Spirit to strengthen you, ask your gaurdian angel to stand guard for you, and keep fighting.. If you havent realized it yet, you may be fighting something you can't possibly win without God's grace. I'm not going to expect you to know bible versus so I'll try to be as straight forward as possible. Satan prowls about the world seeking souls to ruin. He uses evil spirits to do his dirty work. A promising young man like you, early in his faith, a faithful Catholic, and Christian is quite a pize for him if he wins out. Dont give it to him! God's grace is enough to win over ALL. I say this with true sincerity and first hand account, fight, fight, fight. God will make you into something eternal! You can win, trust me I've been right where you are!

God Bless! God Speed, and send those evil spirits packing!


#17

[quote="roseo64, post:15, topic:274308"]
please check in the emergency room at your nearest hospital. this is not something you can escape from. "if" you have bi-polar depression you have a substance missing
in your brain. a psychiatrist is needed for the evaluation and diagnosis.
if it is bipolar you will need a drug that matches the chemical substance that is
missing as close as possible.
if it is depression--that is probably transitory--but the shrink is needed to evaluate if this is a temporary state or not. teen age years are not easy.

suicidal thoughts are emergency room --time to go there!!!

[/quote]

I wish. You think my parents will agree to that? They still think all of this is in my head and it's not serious.

[quote="Ammo, post:16, topic:274308"]
You sound like a fighter, at 16 and posting this took a ton of bravery! Reach down inside and pray for the Holy Spirit to strengthen you, ask your gaurdian angel to stand guard for you, and keep fighting.. If you havent realized it yet, you may be fighting something you can't possibly win without God's grace. I'm not going to expect you to know bible versus so I'll try to be as straight forward as possible. Satan prowls about the world seeking souls to ruin. He uses evil spirits to do his dirty work. A promising young man like you, early in his faith, a faithful Catholic, and Christian is quite a pize for him if he wins out. Dont give it to him! God's grace is enough to win over ALL. I say this with true sincerity and first hand account, fight, fight, fight. God will make you into something eternal! You can win, trust me I've been right where you are!

God Bless! God Speed, and send those evil spirits packing!

[/quote]

Thank you. I'm just trying the best I can, but like I said, I have lots of things racing through my head, and 90% of my head right now consists of me questioning my faith and blasphemous thoughts that I can't get rid of. I'm still going through a hard time to pray. It's hard for me to do more than a simple prayer now-a-days.


#18

O blessed Lord, you ministered to all who came to you: Look
with compassion upon all who through addiction and mental illness have lost
their health and freedom. Restore to them the assurance of
your unfailing mercy; remove from them the fears that beset
them; strengthen them in the work of their recovery; and to
those who care for them, give patient understanding and
persevering love.

Amen.


#19

I can't stand being around people anymore because everyone has a stupid little smile on their face and everyone is a hypocrite. "Yeah i'm a real Catholic." "Yeah I do anything I can to help people and need." "Yeah instead of worrying about how you look in front of others you should worry about how you look in front of God!"

Then with their friends and other people around them they're completely different. They're not a real Catholic, they don't help people in need and treat others like outcasts if they don't act and look exactly like they do and are popular, and all they worry about is how they look like to other people. Take this one girl for example. She's "such" a real Catholic she went to a retreat and makes everyone believe she's a sweet innocent lady, but then in my class I see a mentally disabled guy go up to her and talk to her and all she does is laugh and walk away with that look that says "Ew get away from me", when the only thing the guy said was a simple hello.

I'm really starting to hate everyone in my school, and when I see people like that it just leads me closer to breaking in half.


#20

[quote="xLG, post:17, topic:274308"]
I wish. You think my parents will agree to that? They still think all of this is in my head and it's not serious.

Thank you. I'm just trying the best I can, but like I said, I have lots of things racing through my head, and 90% of my head right now consists of me questioning my faith and blasphemous thoughts that I can't get rid of. I'm still going through a hard time to pray. It's hard for me to do more than a simple prayer now-a-days.

[/quote]

You are not the first and you won't be the last to question faith. Satan's most successful tactic is guilt of sin, and guilt of your past or present. He will fool you into thinking you are never worthy. The confusion you have is not just your own thoughts but darkened ideas planted and meant to discourage all that you do. It's a big scam that your getting sucked into, and like myself and thousands if not millions of Catholics I dare not try to represent, we have our own sins we struggle with. You need to RAISE THIS UP TO GOD AND ASK HIM TO COMFORT YOU. this may take time for you to battle with, but, again, don't give up and NEVER give in to the greatest con that Satan is!


DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.