I’m in a jam. I don’t see any way out. I think of suicide almost non-stop. I’ve had professional help, but really, honestly, I just want out. I don’t care about my life any more. I want it to be over and pray to God for death every day, many many times a day.
I’m probably going to be homeless pretty soon. I don’t think I’ll be able to keep my cat, which is about the only thing which has kept me alive up until this point. I’m alive because I was worried about who would take care of her when I was gone. I didn’t have an answer to that. I thought of a really nice way we could go together, but, as usual, I’ve dilly-dallied too long.
I don’t think I’ll be able to continue a personal project that I’ve worked on for the past 29 years either.
Those are really my only two anchors to this life, the only things worth worrying about. Once those are gone, suicide will become much much easier. I feel like my freedom is rapidly disappearing and I think of more and more drastic methods so as to bypass well-meaning but restrictive and coercive “helpers” who will only mess things up further. I feel like I should have killed myself months ago. I kick myself for not having done so, just like I kick myself for waiting too long to put some of my sick cats to sleep in the past.
Perhaps it (suicide) seems to you to be selfish of me, but I don’t have any kids or friends, and I’m really just very very isolated, so I don’t think anybody will be very upset (well, my cousin might, but I dunno . . . when I think of staying here to make him happy vs being dead, being dead wins out – heaven, hell, non-existence, anything is better than being alive, or so it seems to me).
My cousin is trying to help me, but I think he may mess things up further. I’m supposed to sell my house this afternoon, but the guy is a shark and my cousin knows it and will probably mess the sale up. I don’t know whether or not getting a little bit of money now vs losing everything to the state in a couple of weeks is something that can turn out well either way.
I don’t have a job.
I can’t sleep and can’t get any comfort from prayer right now either.
Oh, how I wish my life was over!
You don’t have to tell me about hell, I already know. I sometimes post that perhaps the best that some people can hope for is a slightly less hot place in hell, but somebody keeps deleting my posts to that effect. I feel like throwing myself on Christ’s Mercy and then finishing off my life, but of course I haven’t done that since I’m here writing.
I really want to sleep, but I can’t. I’m going to have to get up and have to face the day with no sleep again. That’s one of the problems with my depression.
I don’t think I’m going to kill myself in the next few hours, and probably not in the next day or two, but I still really really want to go. I don’t have any especially desirable method lined up though.
I’m an old guy, late middle age. I’ve seen the end of life and I would just as soon skip it, especially if I have to be homeless, penniless, jobless, and lose the last two things I care about. I feel like I’m done, like there’s nothing more. From here on out, things can only get a lot worse.
I guess I could use a few extra prayers right about now, so if you could pray a bit for me, I’d be grateful.