Desires for suicide, in a jam, terribly terribly tired


#1

I’m in a jam. I don’t see any way out. I think of suicide almost non-stop. I’ve had professional help, but really, honestly, I just want out. I don’t care about my life any more. I want it to be over and pray to God for death every day, many many times a day.

I’m probably going to be homeless pretty soon. I don’t think I’ll be able to keep my cat, which is about the only thing which has kept me alive up until this point. I’m alive because I was worried about who would take care of her when I was gone. I didn’t have an answer to that. I thought of a really nice way we could go together, but, as usual, I’ve dilly-dallied too long.

I don’t think I’ll be able to continue a personal project that I’ve worked on for the past 29 years either.

Those are really my only two anchors to this life, the only things worth worrying about. Once those are gone, suicide will become much much easier. I feel like my freedom is rapidly disappearing and I think of more and more drastic methods so as to bypass well-meaning but restrictive and coercive “helpers” who will only mess things up further. I feel like I should have killed myself months ago. I kick myself for not having done so, just like I kick myself for waiting too long to put some of my sick cats to sleep in the past.

Perhaps it (suicide) seems to you to be selfish of me, but I don’t have any kids or friends, and I’m really just very very isolated, so I don’t think anybody will be very upset (well, my cousin might, but I dunno . . . when I think of staying here to make him happy vs being dead, being dead wins out – heaven, hell, non-existence, anything is better than being alive, or so it seems to me).

My cousin is trying to help me, but I think he may mess things up further. I’m supposed to sell my house this afternoon, but the guy is a shark and my cousin knows it and will probably mess the sale up. I don’t know whether or not getting a little bit of money now vs losing everything to the state in a couple of weeks is something that can turn out well either way.

I don’t have a job.

I can’t sleep and can’t get any comfort from prayer right now either.

Oh, how I wish my life was over!

You don’t have to tell me about hell, I already know. I sometimes post that perhaps the best that some people can hope for is a slightly less hot place in hell, but somebody keeps deleting my posts to that effect. I feel like throwing myself on Christ’s Mercy and then finishing off my life, but of course I haven’t done that since I’m here writing.

I really want to sleep, but I can’t. I’m going to have to get up and have to face the day with no sleep again. That’s one of the problems with my depression.

I don’t think I’m going to kill myself in the next few hours, and probably not in the next day or two, but I still really really want to go. I don’t have any especially desirable method lined up though.

I’m an old guy, late middle age. I’ve seen the end of life and I would just as soon skip it, especially if I have to be homeless, penniless, jobless, and lose the last two things I care about. I feel like I’m done, like there’s nothing more. From here on out, things can only get a lot worse.

I guess I could use a few extra prayers right about now, so if you could pray a bit for me, I’d be grateful.

Thank you.


#2

Just for the record, I tossed my post above into another prayer place on the internet, and I've been praying the Chaplet of St. Michael the Archangel, and those seem to be doing a bit of good. I've just gotten a bit of a lift from them.

I am honestly surprised. I expected nothing because I hadn't gotten anything all night except a breathy sort of fatigue and anxiety (but not a panic attack) that I couldn't shake.


#3

Dear Pat, I know that you're on line and I want you to know that I'm praying for you right now and will continue to do so.


#4

[quote="Pat_Albertson, post:2, topic:298510"]
Just for the record, I tossed my post above into another prayer place on the internet, and I've been praying the Chaplet of St. Michael the Archangel, and those seem to be doing a bit of good. I've just gotten a bit of a lift from them.

I am honestly surprised. I expected nothing because I hadn't gotten anything all night except a breathy sort of fatigue and anxiety (but not a panic attack) that I couldn't shake.

[/quote]

I am praying for you, too. I have some time on the road today and will pray then, too.

Please seek medical help. There are medications that may lift your depression and help you restore hope to your life. God does not want you to end your own life this way! Can you recognize that your brain may be deficient in the proper chemicals and that is why you are so depressed? The longer you stay in this condition, the more depleted your brain becomes. It may take a few tries with different medications to have an effect, and you must try to be patient. Let us pray for you, but please know that God does not want you to suicide. Please go to a doctor and tell him you are suicidal.


#5

Praying for you
:gopray2:


#6

Pat...please think long and hard before you do something irreversable! I do understand how you feel, believe me. I have attempted suicide multiple times myself.

It is a hard thing to pull yourself out of a slump, but dont give up hope yet. You really should see a doctor, perhaps get on some medication to help you feel better, and it sounds like you really need someone to talk to.

I am no doctor, but you can PM me anytime if you just want to chat about anything. Keep going..one day at a time...tackle little problems slowly..then build up to the bigger ones. baby steps.

I will pray for you too. Hang in there.


#7

As you probably know, God does not want you to kill yourself any more than he wants you to kill someone else. Life is God’s gift.

Please see a good psychiatrist or other good physician as soon as possible. We now know that depression is generally caused by chemical imbalances. I have seen people terribly depressed and wanting to die completely cheer up once they get the right medication.

Try to see a doctor today. Don’t wait, don’t worry.


#8

Pat, your depression has put you in a bad place but you do have options, there is a way forward and there are reasons to go on living -

You have your cat, she loves and needs you.
You have your cousin, of course he’d be upset to lose you and I’m sure he’s doing his best to help even if, like most of us, he makes a mess of it sometimes.
Most importantly, you have God, He loves you and wants you to live. He has a plan for your life and He’s on your side. Heavenly Father, I believe You love Pat and that Your Son Jesus Christ died on the cross for his sins and rose from the dead. Take away his suicidal thoughts and help him to a better future. Thank You for loving him. Now fill him with the Holy Spirit. In Jesus’ name I pray this. Amen

You also need some professional help to get through this - please, go to your doctor right now and tell him or her exactly how you feel, and speak to your priest.

Asking our dear Mother Mary and all the saints to intercede for you.


#9

Dear Pat!

I will include you in my Rosary tonight!!!

Please dont commit suicide. I hope that Our Prayers here combined for you will provide a net for you to fall into. Our LORD hung it out till the end, HE went out "fighting"


#10

Pat, I am praying for you and even though I don't know you personally, I would be very upset to think that you had ended your life. I am saddened just knowing that you WANT to end your life. I have been there. I know what it's like to feel like there's no light at the end of the tunnel. I also know that even though one day you may feel like you've hit rock bottom, the next day could be the best day of your life. You never know how it's going to play out or when things are going to turn around and get so much better. Please don't give in. Feel free to private message me if you need to talk/vent/anything, okay? Praying for you!!


#11

Hi Pat! I am sending you love right now ... you are not alone. God loves you. We who are reading your words ... we care about you and are praying for you.

If you find a church, wherever you are, walk in and spend some time in front of the Blessed Sacrament. At one point, when I felt homeless and hopeless, I walked into a church and felt such peace. I realized that everything else didn't matter, only me and God. That was my home. Talk to a priest or someone in your parish ... anyone. If you reach out to people, you will find they are more than willing to help you. You will see God's face in their faces if you look for it.

God has a beautiful future planned for you ... open your heart to receive it.

Pray with me:

God, I can't see you right now ... open my eyes. You have a plan for me ... help me to realize it. I am still before you, waiting ... I know that You will send me a sign. Father, You created me for a reason ... help me to see where You want me to go. My heart is open to Your grace ... Fill it. I abandon my whole self to You. Jesus, I trust in You.

God bless you, Pat. I am praying for you.

-Terrysa


#12

Hello Pat,

Glad to hear that the Chaplet is offering consolation. Know that the hardships in this life merit reward in the next for the one who perseveres to the end. But please do not stop there. There are people out there that want to help you; please seek professional help.

I know what it feels like to be crushed by sleep deprivation. I am sleep-deprived as well. If I based my faith off of what I feel like when I don't get enough sleep, I wouldn't have faith. What sustains me in these moments is the knowledge that my problems are caused by not having enough sleep. Truly, you are not yourself without it.

Sleep deprivation messes with your head. And while you may have other problems that are causing you great distress, as long as you do not have enough sleep, you are not in sound mind to deal with these problems. It's okay. There is help. Please seek professional help as soon as possible!

Please know that I will be praying and offering up my sufferings for you today.


#13

I will pray for you. I'm glad you have begun to feel better. You should definately seek medical help and maybe excercise more as this boosts sertonine levels. Even just walking more can help.


#14

Please, do not kill yourself. You will crush the heart of our Lord who loves you sooooooooo much. He is with you in your agony and He has not left you alone. You are His precious child, His bride and He became man for you! All so you wouldn't be alone in your suffering. Jesus knows what it is like to be in agony, feeling loss, feeling abandoned, feeling unwanted, being the victim of the hatred of many. No one forced Him to endure all this rather He did it for you! You are worth it all! You must keep fighting, you must keep moving forward.

I know when your in that space of despair it is hard to accept that you are so valuable to God but you must accept it. You must believe it!


#15

I am praying for you too.


#16

Thank you to all who have responded. I greatly appreciate it and will do what I can ASAP.

I seem to have gotten a bit of lift, so somebody must know what they’re doing with their prayers. Please don’t stop, I need every bit I can get. Thank you.


#17

Pat, after all these replies I have nothing to add except that you’ll be my rosary intention today.


#18

Pat, I will dedicate my Rosary to you today. I so very much feel your pain as I've been there myself. My two cats kept me from doing anything to harm myself and I had lots of people praying for me. They must have worked. :)

I had a moment of clarity one evening and asked God for help. I couldn't bear the despair anymore. He helped me. Please don't give up. It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I know you don't wanna hear that as I didn't at the time either. But I'm here today and that was almost 3 years ago and I thank God every day for everything I have in my life. The pain I went through was the catalyst to get me closer to God and to eventually come back to the Catholic faith.

Seek help. There's so much out there. Feel free to PM me anytime if you want to talk.

God bless you.


#19

Dear Pat,
I have prayed this on your behalf. You will remain in my daily prayers. Please keep coming back here and give us the honour of praying and talking with and for you.

Christ be with me, Christ within me,
Christ behind me, Christ before me,
Christ beside me, Christ to win me,
Christ to comfort and restore me.
Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
Christ in quiet, Christ in danger,
Christ in hearts of all that love me,
Christ in mouth of friend and stranger.

Saint Michael the Archangel,
defend us in battle.
Be our protection against the wickedness and snares of the devil.
May God rebuke him, we humbly pray;
and do Thou, O Prince of the Heavenly Host -
by the Divine Power of God -
cast into hell, satan and all the evil spirits,
who roam throughout the world seeking the ruin of souls.
Amen.


#20

Thank you to everybody.

I am sitting at my computer right now, head bowed, dog tired, just praying simple prayers like the Our Father and Hail Mary. Perhaps in a little while I'll attempt a nap again.


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