Desires, Love or Lust


#1

Hello, my name is Kevin and I’m 15. I have a girlfriend, Heather, and she is 15 too. Heather and I have been together for 7 months now and we feel we’re in love. Everyone arund us thinks that were in love. We only expressed this to one another about two months ago after some prayer and a good bit of talking together. I know many of you will just say we only think we’re in love, but going off the definitions of love from Corinthians and John, I believe, we are in love. Heather and I like every adolescent have sexual urges though we are careful not to act on them. Sometimes, when we can’t be together, we talk on the phone about our dreams. A few times, while both of us were in a dazed state, we have had sexual dreams about each other and think its fun/funny/pleasurable to describe them to each other(not graphic things like you might find on some websites or in some romance novels, but just general things about why we are together at the time or somehting general thats happening). Recently I read a passage in Matthew where Matthew warns us that if a man looks after a woman lustfully he has already committed adultery with her in his heart. My question to you is are our sexual desires / phone conversations lustful or are they an expression of love and wanting to be together ? I, of course, will say that I love her and just want to express that to her, but I’m a bit biased so I believe it a good idea to put forth the question to you.
Thanks for all the help
Kevin


#2

Kevin,
I believe 15 year olds can be in love. I was in love at 15. Then I had my heart broken at 16 and it took years to get over it. It’s good that you and Heather are trying to suppress your sexual urges. However, by talking about it with one another and focusing on it, it’s going to become a subject that is very comfortable for both of you. You may have crossed a line just by talking about it. Next you will just try a bit more with the intention to stop before reaching the next line you’ve drawn. But once that line is crossed it will become easier to draw another one and cross it as well. By becomming so familiar with one another you are making it easier and easier to cross the line each time until there are no more lines to cross.

What I would suggest is that you have a talk with Heather. You may want to discuss that while you both love one another, neither of you are ready to get married yet or in the next 5-8 years. That’s a long time for two people to be going out, waiting to get married (believe me, girls are always thinking about getting married and if it begins to get physical, well, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet!)

Even though you are adolescents, you sound mature for your age. It sounds like you think things through. Make an agreement with one another but mostly to yourself that you will stay chaste until marriage. The easiest way to do that is to not get serious or go steady with any one person. Spend lots of time with groups of friends and find out who you are. What drives you? What are your passions? Do you love cars? Computers? Dogs? The outdoors? City life? Don’t let others determine who you’ll be – find out for yourself who you are and go where your interests are. Along the way you will meet lots of people who will influence you for better and for worse. Be on guard and pray always.

If you and Heather remain friends when you’re in collage or done with collage you may find you’ve grown apart but still have a deep friendship. Or you may have discovered you weren’t meant for one another at all. If after all that time, you rediscover one another and your values match, then knowing you both saved yourselves for each other will be pure joy! If nothing else, you’ve saved yourself for your future wife with no regrets.

I’ve watched the video by Jason and Christilina Everet - Romance Without Regret. I highly recommend it as soon as possible. Ask your youth leader or priest or CCD teacher to order it from Catholic Answers. It will help give you the strength to stay the course. In fact, watch it with Heather and discuss it together. If you do love her you will want the very best for her.

God Bless,
Denise


#3

Thank you very much for your inspiring response denise and for not shoving me and my relationship straight into the sinful category. I will say though that Heather and I were best friends before we went out and in my group of friends its hard not to know another’s sexual leanings. I know Taylor thinks lesbians are hot, Wendy won’t even kiss a guy until he proposes and Sarah is just plain strange (things i can’t get into here.) I think that I’m sexually comfortable or at least confortable sharing things about sex with all my friends. I think you are right about the lines we draw and I will be especially careful to make sure they don’t change and if i see that happening i know i need to change my activities. I have found that the best way to not act on my urges is to talk about them in the context of how it will affect our lives; together or apart from each other. We have parents who keep close eyes on us and friends who ask every question, but i know sometimes this may not be enough, you have definately encouraged me to think about everything i say and do and make sure I’m not inviting sexual advances. I could see how we would cross any line we draw, but these are lines with reasons. The easiest line to draw was no sexual intercourse but we knew we had to take it further, no nakedness, no sex of nay kind and I think the one thing that holds those lines is our future, we are not ones to throw away our future.

Girls aren’t the only ones who think about marriage you know, I do too. In the High School world I live in, 7 months is a marriage, lol, most couples only last one or two.

We have both talked with each other and very severely with our selves about staying chaste and I have confidence that I can do it, becasue my wife will deserve it, she will deserve to be the first and the only until we are parted. One thing Heather and I have always found to be a plus is that we don’t enjoy doing the same thigns but we enjoy observing or in her case listening to the other having a great time and doing something they love. I go to every one of her dance performances and her plays (she was just in a big one at Greenville’s main theatre, The Peace Center, :D). She really enjoys my singing I do with my boy choir. As crazy as it may sound I think that putting myself in a position to take advantage of her and not doing so has tempered me against it. I have been alone with Heather for long periods of time and still we both help each other and make sure we don’t do anything we will regret. Once again, thank you for the lovely post and your words of encouragement, caution, and understanding. I will close by saying that yes, 5-8 years is a very long time but I never see any harm in trying.
Loving my life away,
Kevin


#4

Good Luck!

I met my husband when we were 14 and I had a huge crush on him even though he wasn’t interested. He was a great friend for two years, and then between 10 and 11 grade we started dating. We dated for two years and the he proposed and then we had almost 3 yaers of an engagement. We have been married for 6 months.

Patience is the best way to go through it all. We were that “old married” couple in high school and I loved it. He asked my to our Senior Prom on the way out of Junior Prom. I loved having that secure of a relationship at that time.


#5

DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.