despair


#1

I once again awoke to find myself in a deep hole of despair so deep I am finding it hard to see gods light. I pray everyday for myself and others and still it creeps closer
I go to mass every Sunday and still it creeps closer. I am truly trying to give my whole heart to the fact that God will provide but still it creeps closer. I hope that the next day will be better and the light I see will be bigger and brighter but it never is only smaller. I'm starting to lose this battle I don't like it but don't know what to do to make it better.


#2

I don't have an answer but I just want to say that I often experience it too. It is a terrible feeling of helplesness and fear. When it strikes I pray the Divine Mercy chaplet. I go to adoration as often as I can and that really helps me keep things in perspective.

Never give up. Keep praying and live one day at the time.


#3

Surrender to God by accepting every trial or challenge He sends your way. Know that it is happening because He has allowed it. It is permissible, even good, to pray for it to be taken away, but if it does not leave you, it is because God is using it to do some good work in you. Such as; Strengthen your trust, increase your endurance, deepen your compassion, or learn the ways that the devil tempts us so you will be able to serve and help those who suffer from similar trials.

Often when the light of God penetrates the soul, the human ego is humbled to the point of despair. The false identity, the ego, that we so often think is who we are, is being tortured and put to death by the presence of God. But remember, you are not your ego! You may feel as though you are losing yourself but you are actually stepping into your true self, the one God made you to be. Through this, you learn to be comfortable with being "nothing." You let go of all your ideas about who you think you should be (holding on to these can create a feeling of despair) and start being who you really are. You stop trying to control your life and turn your will over to God to do with you whatever He wants.

This is an extremely painful process. You may even beg to die. You may even feel like you are rotting from the inside and in a sense, you are. Do not be afraid. God is always with you and always desires to give you the best. And He is preparing your heart to receive it. God humbles before He exalts. God is doing surgery on your soul, don't fight Him, just trust Him. Be patient and gentle with yourself as you would a person who is recovering from major surgery. Keep your soul as still as possible.

Every thing is very good. God is sewing His heart together with yours. I love you.


#4

Friend, I know it is much easier said than done, but put all of your trust in God. If you are feeling this despair surround you and engulf you, submerge yourself all the more deeply into the sacraments. Think of Christ as a doctor... the sacraments are our medicine. They are what heal us. They are light in the darkness. Try and receive the Eucharist as often as you can! And please remember, there is NO SHAME in coping with depression. My heart aches for you and I wish you could feel how much warmth and light there is waiting all around you. Stay strong and keep fighting the good fight! God loves you SO VERY MUCH!


#5

[quote="Ophelia23, post:4, topic:292983"]
Friend, I know it is much easier said than done, but put all of your trust in God. If you are feeling this despair surround you and engulf you, submerge yourself all the more deeply into the sacraments. Think of Christ as a doctor... the sacraments are our medicine. They are what heal us. They are light in the darkness. Try and receive the Eucharist as often as you can! And please remember, there is NO SHAME in coping with depression. My heart aches for you and I wish you could feel how much warmth and light there is waiting all around you. Stay strong and keep fighting the good fight! God loves you SO VERY MUCH!

[/quote]

I cannot receive the sacraments I'm not Catholic yet.


#6

Mark,

I noticed that you are "not Catholic yet, but moving in that direction"

I am praying hard for you. I have found, sometimes, (not always) when someone is getting closer and closer to the Lord, especially those who are in or entering RCIA or going to receive the sacraments for the first time, that they experience some amount of spiritual oppression from the evil one. It manifests in a depression, or despair, or sometimes even an angry or rebellious spirit.
If it feels like the closer you get to the Lord, seeking Him the deeper you get, that just might be the situation.

Don't despair. Rejoice! Again I say, Rejoice! We have allies in heaven, friend. Especially the Blessed Mother, who loves you and wants to stop on that old snake that tries to bind you. As well, St. Michael the Archangel, who will defend you in this battle.

Very often, waking up to the fact that you are in battle, and then picking up your sword of faith and asking for heavenly help is the very beginning of the end of despair. The devil simply cannot prevail in the face of good and prayer. And often RECOGNIZING this fact is the real beginning of seeing some light! It's true! Happened to me. I'm a convert who experienced all kinds of problems on the way to the church, but once recognizing them for what they were was able to persevere, WITH GOD'S HELP.
Still happens from time to time. Did you know that Padre Pio went through huge struggles with the devil often JUST BEFORE a big sinner came the very next day to repent and return to the church. Hmmmm.

Pray the St. Michael Prayer... (St. Michael the Archangel, defend ME in battle. Be MY protection against the wickedness and snares of the devil. May God rebuke him I humbly pray, and do thou, o prince of the heavenly hosts, cast into hell satan and any evil spirits who prowl about the world seeking the ruin of souls. AMEN)

And try to learn the rosary as best you can, or any Marian prayers. She is your advocate against the devil, as is JESUS of course.

The Jesus prayer, simply in times of despair, Jesus Jesus Jesus.

He has your back!

Love and Prayers to you, Mark, and may your eventual reception to the church bring us a brother, who is a powerful warrior and help to those who struggle in the path you once did. There's nothing like a wounded healer to help those in the battlefield.

It's interesting to me, that the most powerful spiritual warfare gospel is the Gospel of Mark!

Blessings


#7

[quote="MarkEzraB, post:5, topic:292983"]
I cannot receive the sacraments I'm not Catholic yet.

[/quote]

When the Eucharist is blessed by the priest, it transforms completely and wholly into the Body of Christ. Whether you can receive him into your own body or not, you can still be in His very presence. This is why the Mass is so incredibly amazing. You ARE surrounded by His grace even by being witness to it. I strongly encourage you to continue to attend Mass, even daily if you can. My heart aches for you and your sorrows. You are a part of this wonderful, amazing, incredible tapestry sewn by the Father and you are so incredibly loved. Don't give in to despair. And if you need help, there is no shame in seeking medical attention. You can beat this. You can do this!


#8

[quote="Lady_Love, post:3, topic:292983"]
Surrender to God by accepting every trial or challenge He sends your way. Know that it is happening because He has allowed it. It is permissible, even good, to pray for it to be taken away, but if it does not leave you, it is because God is using it to do some good work in you. Such as; Strengthen your trust, increase your endurance, deepen your compassion, or learn the ways that the devil tempts us so you will be able to serve and help those who suffer from similar trials.

Often when the light of God penetrates the soul, the human ego is humbled to the point of despair. The false identity, the ego, that we so often think is who we are, is being tortured and put to death by the presence of God. But remember, you are not your ego! You may feel as though you are losing yourself but you are actually stepping into your true self, the one God made you to be. Through this, you learn to be comfortable with being "nothing." You let go of all your ideas about who you think you should be (holding on to these can create a feeling of despair) and start being who you really are. You stop trying to control your life and turn your will over to God to do with you whatever He wants.

This is an extremely painful process. You may even beg to die. You may even feel like you are rotting from the inside and in a sense, you are. Do not be afraid. God is always with you and always desires to give you the best. And He is preparing your heart to receive it. God humbles before He exalts. God is doing surgery on your soul, don't fight Him, just trust Him. Be patient and gentle with yourself as you would a person who is recovering from major surgery. Keep your soul as still as possible.

Every thing is very good. God is sewing His heart together with yours. I love you.

[/quote]

I needed to hear this, too. Thank you.

OP, I am praying for you. Stay the course.


#9

[quote="MarkEzraB, post:1, topic:292983"]
I once again awoke to find myself in a deep hole of despair so deep I am finding it hard to see gods light. I pray everyday for myself and others and still it creeps closer
I go to mass every Sunday and still it creeps closer. I am truly trying to give my whole heart to the fact that God will provide but still it creeps closer. I hope that the next day will be better and the light I see will be bigger and brighter but it never is only smaller. I'm starting to lose this battle I don't like it but don't know what to do to make it better.

[/quote]

Is despair a bad thing? When it becomes the end-all, it probably is. But it also can be a powerful waystation on the path to God. In a lot of ways, despair is a natural reaction to contemplation of this physical world and seeing its limitations. Some get a taste of the weight of this despair and rebound back into the world in a desperate attempt to return to any state of "happiness". Some can't or won't extract themselves from despair because it may feel like the only reality that is authentic. And others may experience it but eventually pass through it to an understanding --- on a deep, certain and convincing level --- that this world is not all there is.

I love the other posts on this thread. God's blessings to you all.


#10

[quote="MarkEzraB, post:1, topic:292983"]
I once again awoke to find myself in a deep hole of despair so deep I am finding it hard to see gods light. I pray everyday for myself and others and still it creeps closer
I go to mass every Sunday and still it creeps closer. I am truly trying to give my whole heart to the fact that God will provide but still it creeps closer. I hope that the next day will be better and the light I see will be bigger and brighter but it never is only smaller. I'm starting to lose this battle I don't like it but don't know what to do to make it better.

[/quote]

This pain you are experiencing can be quite useful in understanding our Saviour's loneliness during his suffering of his last day.

Shortly before his trial, he fed a crowd of 3000 people. Now the crowd is yelling for him to be crucified, his friends, who he befriended and taught and felt sorry for.

The dark night at the garden of olives, while he was praying in great fear, his apostles just a little distance away, were sleeping. Then when the soldiers came for him they ran away, and how he must have felt so deserted facing this all alone. There were no friends now, he was all alone by himself with no support whatsoever.

And how ruthless were the romans when that scourged and crowned him. As if that were not enough they mocked him and called him king as they beat him over the head with a reed, while they took turns spitting in his face and slapping him and making fun of him.

But he saw you and me. For he is God, knowing us before we were born and how we needed him to attone for our sins, so he kept silent and took it in in all innocence for our sake. He saw how much we needed his silence and loneliness and offered that to his Father for you and me.

Now there are times when we feel this loneliness that he felt for us. So now we can do the same good for others as he did for us by offering this to our Father in like manner.
This is the prayer of "expiation" which the Father receives and gives blessings and graces to the members of his Son's church body. It is a participation in the work of Jesus, of saving souls, the highest work that can be done.

Please bless the Father and thank him for giving you this previlege, for it is a gift which will not only do good for others, but also because of your kindness, so much blessing for yourself.

Just a thought about St. Simeon who said to Mary that the child would be a contradiction to many. Like who would have thought that he would give suffering a new meaning.


#11

Fred,

another one of your brilliant posts. Thank you for that. Just last evening for the first time ever I seriously thought that maybe it would be easier to just forget about all of this, to dance to the tune of the world and to embrace the religion of niceness and political correctness. This thinking lasted for a couple of minutes but boy, it truly terrified me. I know why I felt this despair - I worry about raising my children in this increasingly twisted world, about the danger it poses to their souls with its shouting and attractive messages of moral relativism and indulging in sin. So for that moment I thought that walking away now would mean no risk of their loss of faith when they are older. Stupid, I know, but a strong urge nevertheless. This post is like a balm to my wound. I will offer my despair and loneliness to our Father when it raises its ugly head again.


#12

It's easy to get lost in the greyness of despair and confusion, but we just can't dwell there, folks.

We just can't.

I learned today that a source of income that I've been desperately relying on to come in will not be coming in after all. It was 2500 bucks, and now it will not be coming in, despite the things I need and the help my Mom would have had from it, too.

But you know what occurred to me? If I was going to despair over this, then my faith would be worth no more than 2500 dollars. The idea itself almost made me sick to my stomach.

The same with being alone; my faith is worth more than a kiss and a hand to hold.

We can't live in despair. It's ok, I think, to feel sad and unsure, but only in context; only so long as we keep in mind that it will be ok, that we are loved, and that, whatever it is, it's for our benefit.

Love ya'll. Don't despair. Tell God "thank you" for whatever good things you have. Tell God that you'll do your best, and that's all you can do. He knows.


#13

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