I would be grateful for some advice / spiritual direction.
I'm a single woman in her mid-thirties. I've been praying and searching for a partner for fifteen years. I have wonderful friends and have tried to live patiently as a single person. I took to heart the advice that you cannot pin all your happiness on one person, and filled my life with spiritual and creative pursuits. I tried my best to trust God and rely on his plan for me---though as I hit my late twenties, then early thirties, with no romantic success it became harder and harder. In 2010, I finally started dating someone. I was cautious at first, as I didn't want to get my heart broken, but for eight months things went well and I fell in love with this man. He never pressured me to do anything against my faith.
Because I'd been so careful not to expect a relationship to give me all my happiness, I was unprepared for how wonderful it actually felt. It wasn't perfect, but for a while and until it ended it was the happiest time I had ever experienced in my adult life. I had hoped that things would continue to go well, and that the relationship would lead to marriage.
Unfortunately, that didn't happen. My ex broke it off last March. I was shattered but respected his decision. He is now in a happy new relationship, and despite copious prayer and struggles to heal and overcome the disappointment I am still deeply despondent and brokenhearted. My friends have been generous and supportive, but I miss my ex so much that many nights I come home from work and go straight to bed without eating just to avoid the pain of eating dinner alone. My birthday is in a couple of days, and I am acutely conscious that the chance of having children lessens every day.
I never, never, thought my life would turn out like this. I'm still a virgin at 35 -- all of my friends and siblings---none of whom waited for marriage for sex--nevertheless found good, moral spouses and are raising families.
I am so angry at God. I don't understand why He even allowed me to meet this man---I was managing my single life okay before I dated him. I wasn't exactly happy, but I was coping. Now I spend hours wracked with sorrow and guilt. I've gone over every misstep I made in the relationship. I still stupidly have these feelings for a person who no longer wants me and is now quite happy with someone else. I don't understand why God allowed me to happy for a little time, knowing the grief and pain it would ultimately cause. Having now experienced it, I can honestly state that it is NOT better to have loved and lost.
I had dated fairly regularly before I met my ex, and I've been dating since. I've never met anyone before where everything seemed to click like it did with my ex. I'm not even sure how or why it clicked, as he wasn't normally my type! I don't know how to shake these feelings I still have for him.
I have so little hope for my life. I have no calling to enter religious life, and have wanted marriage and a family since I was a girl. I cannot bear the thought of decades more of loneliness like these past fifteen years have been. I am scared of dying in a painful or violent manner, but I am so tired of living and have asked God to please take me soon.
I am receiving professional help, but it does nothing to soothe the spiritual anger and loss I feel. For anyone who has ever been in my shoes, what do I do?