Thanks Po18guy! I freely chose not to love someone in the past, and their were grave consequences. I “chose” on some level that feeling nothing would be better than having to feel the pain of loving my enemy, and gave into the desire to “just let go,” instead of striving and not fainting. I know I “grieved the Holy Spirit” to “choose death,” and unnecessarily mess up in a way that cost me a couple years of my life, tens of thousands of dollars, significant stresses on my family and loved ones, and potentially making God look bad. We’ll, we know that he " works all things to good for those who love him," so I’ll persevere.