So, I’ve been reflecting on my life lately, and since I was 14 I have devoted my life to serving God in any way I can. For many years I wanted to join religious life, but then I discerned that I was called to marriage. There was a point when I would pray several rosaries a day and go to daily mass as well as regular confession. I would teach about God’s love and the gospel to non-Catholics (even when I knew they might hate me because of it). (I also think I should add that I didn’t do it in a judgemental way but in a kind and gentle way). I don’t say this to say “hey look at how holy I am”, but to illustrate how I lived my life.
Now, also since I was 14 I have had many people desert me. First, it was my friends in high school, then my friends in college and then after I got married, my own family (parents, siblings and relatives) turned against me and shut me out of their life. I have found earthly reasons why this may have happened, but now I wonder if on a spiritual level the devil hates me so much and see the good that I was doing that he was able to turn those people against me.
Unfortunately, after my family turned their backs on me I have lost my faith a bit. I really only go to mass on Sunday and say grace before meals. I’ve internalized a lot of the shame they have projected onto me for “disobeying” them and getting married to my husband. I still go to confession when I need to, but I have felt so condemned by others that I feel like I can’t be “holy” in public anymore. But, I’m starting to feel that this is just a way the devil has found how to keep me silent. I would really appreciate any further reading on this topic and especially prayers. I love God and I want to serve him. But I’m having trouble moving forward spiritually. I want to stop feeling defeated. I am going to start praying more though because I think this is key. But any other thoughts and suggestions are welcome. I’m particularly interested in learning more about the “behind the scenes”, so to speak, of the spiritual life. So, if there are any good resources I can read about how the power of God defeats satan I would love to learn about it. I know there are exorcists who have given talks and such and I would be very interested in learning more about their view of things. Thanks so much and God bless!