I have a little bit of concern so I would like your opinions.
I have difficulty distinguishing heart, emotion, and physical sensation. I am generally reason-oriented and when I make a decision I just inte as well as opinions of wise people. On the other hand, in discerning God's will for me, heart is supposed to be also pretty important, so I am trying to pay more attention to it. But then I feel like I am being sometimes too sensual, and this "sometimes" correlate to hormonal cycle.
Generally, I get somewhat overwhelmed by emotion and sensation when I hear/read words like, "total consecration/holocaust", "surrender to God's will", "obedience", "hidden life with God", etc, especially if these are coming from nuns. This already worries me a bit, especially in the view of the fact that I'm so much of a procrastinator in doing things like getting out of bed to go to adoration or getting work done, or keeping my mouth shut instead of saying dumb things to brag: I suspect that I enjoy just a thought or sentiment of devotion but actually have very little devotion. I pray that God will help me.
What worries me a lot more is that sometimes it gets really physically strong sensation, with particular feeling around uterus, etc. I am ordinarily very much of a Tom boy (though I'm already 36) and I'm dressed and behave like a guy, but in prayer I sometimes feel my femininity intensely, and, for example I get an urge of wearing skirt secretly to go to adoration. And now and then I get very intense sensation in bed, I feel something around my uterus and I think of Mother of God by annunciation etc, and my chest and body and everywhere get filled with desire to surrender myself to God, fall down before Him, to be with Him in cloister and suffer with Christ, my chest feels like, if I use the word from St.John of the Cross, being touched by smoldering piece of wood. To me all this is very sensual, may be emotional, but I'm not sure what I to think of it, if it has anything to do with my "heart"'s desire. I keep pray so that my "desire" to surrender be real, and put to practice in daily life. I also pray so I wont dwell on myself or enjoy sensation but rather focus on God and others and grow in desire serving them in every moment. I want to trust that there is nothing wrong with me, God is just doing this because I'm weak or stubborn or something, but I worry that I am some kind of sensuality freak or something. I would like to know if it is relatively normal or common.