DH wants to use BC


#1

DH is an atheist. When we got married, I was practicing Wiccan. I left that religion shortly aftwards and we were both atheists for most of our 10 year “marriage” (hasn’t been convalidated yet). When I returned to faith a couple years ago, it was in a non-denom church that had not BC teachings. However, now that I’ve decided to come back to the RCC, its a big deal. We have two beautiful sons who have major medical issues. DH doesn’t want to bring in more children that have major medical issues. We struggle to pay for their care. I can not work because I stay home to care for them. DH says he’s not interested in NFP because the few couples we know who use it, have 5 or more children. He then sites my sister as being devout Catholic, who had her tubes tied because each time she gave birth, she nearly died on the table. He thinks the Churches teachings on BC are ridiculous and antiquated. What it boils down to is that having been raised an atheist, he doesnt feel like any church has the right to tell him how to live his sex life. My question is, is it a sin for me if he uses a condom? I can’t tell another person what to do. I can only govern my own actions.
SAHmommy


#2

Would it help if you tell him that you’d end up feeling used and you might not be that interested in relations? --KCT


#3

Condoms are much less reliable than NFP anyway. It seems like you have a grave reason for using NFP. The couples that use it and have five children do so becuase that’s how many they want. A lot of people who use NFP tend to be very open to life so they don’t really stick to it too strictly. Those who do practice strict NFP will have a result with the same reliability as the pill.


#4

[quote=SAHmommy]DH is an atheist. When we got married, I was practicing Wiccan. I left that religion shortly aftwards and we were both atheists for most of our 10 year “marriage” (hasn’t been convalidated yet). When I returned to faith a couple years ago, it was in a non-denom church that had not BC teachings. However, now that I’ve decided to come back to the RCC, its a big deal. We have two beautiful sons who have major medical issues. DH doesn’t want to bring in more children that have major medical issues. We struggle to pay for their care. I can not work because I stay home to care for them. DH says he’s not interested in NFP because the few couples we know who use it, have 5 or more children. He then sites my sister as being devout Catholic, who had her tubes tied because each time she gave birth, she nearly died on the table. He thinks the Churches teachings on BC are ridiculous and antiquated. What it boils down to is that having been raised an atheist, he doesnt feel like any church has the right to tell him how to live his sex life. My question is, is it a sin for me if he uses a condom? I can’t tell another person what to do. I can only govern my own actions.
SAHmommy
[/quote]

Two things.

  1. If I were you I’d take a class on NFP and become very educated on it. I’d also buy the book Taking Charge of Your Ferility and/or The Art Of Natural Family Planning and read them cover to cover. Knowing more about NFP can give you a better position to talk from. Having 5 children does not mean NFP does not work, some people use NFP to have 5 children.

  2. No, it is not a sin for you if he uses a condom. The church would ask you to continue to try to bring him around to not contracepting by periodically discussing it with him. But, you are not required to abstain from sex if he is using contraception.

I highly recommend getting educated on NFP and on church teaching. Since he is an atheist you may not be able to bring him around. But, I commend you for trying. And, welcome home to the Church. If you came home via Wicca, atheism, and non-denominational christianity, there is always hope for him! :slight_smile:


#5

No.

Here is the source for my answer:

It is from the Pontifical Council for the Family. The document is titled "Vademecum for Confessors concerning Some Aspects of the Morality of Conjugal Life" and was issued Feb. 12, 1997.

You can read the entire document here:

cin.org/vatcong/vademec.html
This is the pertinent section-

"13. Special difficulties are presented by cases of co-operation in the sin of a spouse who voluntarily renders the unitive act infecund. In the first place, it is necessary to distinguish co-operation in the proper sense, from violence or unjust imposition on the part of one of the spouses, which the other spouse in fact cannot resist.[46] This co-operation can be licit when the three following conditions are jointly met:

  1. when the action of the co-operating spouse is not already illicit in itself;[47]

  2. when proportionally grave reasons exist for cooperating in the sin of the other spouse;

  3. when one is seeking to help the other spouse to desist from such conduct (patiently, with prayer, charity and dialogue; although not necessarily in that moment, nor on every single occasion).

  1. Furthermore, it is necessary to carefully evaluate the question of co-operation in evil when recourse is made to means which can have an abortifacient effect.[48] "

God bless you.:slight_smile:


#6

2 of my children are products of a failed condom.

NFP is FAR MORE reliable. I’ve been practicing NFP for almost 2 years now and I would never trust any BCP products out there over it. Even if the Church said it was OK, I still wouldn’t go back.


#7

[quote=KCT]Would it help if you tell him that you’d end up feeling used and you might not be that interested in relations? --KCT
[/quote]

That would be a lie. See, I think this is where I get confused on the whole “intent” thing. I don’t agree with the church teaching on BC, but if I was married to a Catholic, I would comply anyway. I haven’t asked DH to use BC, I just told him that it wasn’t going to be my responsibilty any more.

Yes, I am aware of NFP. We used TCOYF to get pregnant, so I know how to use the book. One of the couples we know that has the 5 children and uses NFP are teachers of it. DH is not interested in learning more about it.
SAHmommy


#8

[quote=1ke] And, welcome home to the Church. If you came home via Wicca, atheism, and non-denominational christianity, there is always hope for him! :slight_smile:
[/quote]

It was even more round about than that. I actually came “this close” to being chrismated into the Eastern Orthodox church when the Holy Spirit sent me to a Sat. night Vigil mass. I’m still scared of the RCC because I still have issues that brought me to the EO church, but I know the Church is where I’m supposed to be. Now, all I have to do is get my marriage convalidated and get my big boys baptized.

SAHmommy


#9

[quote=SAHmommy] I think this is where I get confused on the whole “intent” thing. I don’t agree with the church teaching on BC, but if I was married to a Catholic,** I would comply anyway**. I haven’t asked DH to use BC, I just told him that it wasn’t going to be my responsibilty any more.
[/quote]

You’re fine. You don’t need to “agree” with the Church teaching, you only need to submit to it. (Or at least, you would if you had a choice)

There is nothing that says you can’t “enjoy” the act if the other spouce contracepts. As long as you occasionally remind him you don’t like BC, and you are not the one using/buying/suggesting the BC, you’re ok.

I would recommend you try to understand the church teaching better. If not for your dh, then for yourself. Christopher West (The Good News About Sex and Marriage) is a great place to start. He even has an archived show here in the CAF website you could listen to.:slight_smile:


#10

I can really relate to your question b/c my DH and I have been in the exact same situation: we both dabbled in wiccan for a few years, then I came back to the Church and he remains an atheist or agnostic at best.

Anyway, this has always been our biggest problem, however, 7 years ago I refused to use any form of BC (per the advice of a priest - and I was unaware that it would be considered only him using BC with the use of a condom). I think if I had went along with it thinking it was just him using BC, we never would have used NFP, however, we have been using NFP for 7+years now and he admits that NFP is better in many ways. We have conceived 2 children since we started NFP- both were planned. We had 2 children prior to NFP. We waited 3 years before having our 3rd child and 4years before our most recent child.

I admit that I did not completely understand the RCC teaching on BC, and I certainly didn’t like it either, however, using NFP has made me understand the teaching and now I can’t see it any other way. Using condoms was like cheating. It made the act different. It made us selfish. The best way I’ve ever heard it explained in a way i understood and agreed with was in Home Sweet Rome (or Rome Sweet Home?) by Scott and Kimberly Hahn, but one (or both) of them have something written specifically about this and I’m unsure of the name of it. It has to do with covenants and Kimberly compared the marrital act to the reception of the Holy Eucharist. I don’t want to say more than that b/c I’m not good at explaining things, but, it’s something you should look up if possible.

He may never understand or agree with any of these teachings, but perhaps, out of love for you, he can comply with RCC teaching (?). That’s what it boiled down to with my DH, and we’re both thankful today that we’ve used NFP over the years.

~donna


#11

I know so many women who got pregnant whilst on the pill or using a condom, if BC became ‘legal’ in the Catholic Church tomorrow, I still wouldn’t go near it…especially as a colleague of dh died of a blood-clot caused by the pill: she was only 32, didn’t smoke and didn’t have high-blood pressure…So swing him round by leaving the church out of it completely: do your research on how BC works and why it so often fails…And as for having your tubes tied: the best one I saw on ‘Child of our Time’ on BBC1 last week: mom and dad both got sterilised (mom got her tubes tied, dh got a vasectomy) and she got pregnant, the son is one of the children followed in the programme and her OB/GYN told her ‘it was not uncommon’…hello, BOTH got taken care of! So…that’s it for me, I prefer to trust NFP or abstinence!

Anna x


#12

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