Thanks everyone. We have been seeing a marriage counsellor and I have also been seeing an individual counsellor and our priest. Counsellors are great, but they aren’t living this. This has all changed my life completely. When we got married, we prided ourselves that divorce was not in our vocabulary and that we would work through anything that came our way - I just had no idea what was in store. But having said that, God has made me quite certain through prayer that his will is for us to work through this, so I am in it for the long haul. I thought I had come to a point where, by the Grace of God, I forgave him (in my mind that means accepting that he made a big mistake, but it was time to stop punishing him and look toward moving forward), but I’ve since learned that I actually have to make that decision every day - and the day I kept checking on him is not one of those days -oops. I am trying so hard to live up to what God wants of me in all of this, but there are many days where I think God is asking SO much of just little me. I’ve learned a lot about me, my husband, and God through all of this, but when I fall down again like I did recently, I just feel so very very alone, and I just don’t feel God’s presence even through in my mind I know He’s right there with me. Some days the isolation and loneliness of it all is just so overwhelming.
I am VERY fortunate that my husband is doing everything “right” since he screwed up. Right after he told me he went to confession and was right on board with the counselling. He is doing all he can to make things better. Honestly though, some days that’s just even worse for me because he didn’t care near so much before - why do I matter so much now? Plus it makes me feel like I’m the one preventing things from getting better. But I’m not superhuman and I am moving at the speed I can.
Seems like everyone around me, God included, expects so much more of me than I think I can handle.
Sorry for my ramble. Please pray that God gives me the strength I need to get through another week. Baby steps.