Alright so a brief summary of my life- I have never known what I was going to do as a job/ what my vocation was going to be. I love anything that I try- customer service, baking, athletics, almost any subject in school, ect. I had a phase where I wanted to be a lawyer, because something drew me to the argument and justice aspects of the job. But I realized I was not passionate enough to become one. It has been a very tough ride, really the only thing I ever get myself depressed about is my future. I know i should focus on the present, but it is also very necessary in school to pick a major or at least get an idea of what you want to be. I am generally a very happy person, God has blessed me with a good life, but this fact that I had no idea what I was going to do beat down very hard on me. Most people in my life knew exactly what they were passionate about, and so I prayed very hard as often as I could to God to help me find my calling and I promised him that I would love him and carry him with me through whatever job I would have.
Suddenly, quite recently, it seemed like all my deepest interests were revealed to me. I know this was the work of God and he had answered my prayers. All the sudden I realized how much I loved helping and providing justice to others and keeping the world a safer place. I realized I wanted to go into law enforcement. But this did not go well when I told my mother. I am a female, first of all, for which I completely understand why my mom would not like this job for me. It is much tougher for women, but they are not completely incapable of doing it if they have a passion for it. She also told me the general paronoid parent things- it is a very dangerous job and I would be exposed to the worst of humanity. She also said I would be wasting my intelligence. I understand these and did not disregard them at all- in fact I consider them often.
So now my question. I have been exposed to some very horrific things in my city, but overall i am not sure if I could really handle the worst of the worst- such as murderers. If I were to become an officer, this is about one of the worst places to be one in. We lead the country in the human trafficing industry, for example. I. know I have courage though, and if I really am passionate about this (which I am) then with passionate faith God could get me through anything. I truly believe that God intended this to be my profession, and yet there are so many things that tell me not to. I know with all my heart how much my mother does not want me to do it, and please do not simply tell me not to listen to my mom and do whatever I feel like. I was raised with fairly strict traditional values, disregarding my parents’- who have more experience than I- opinions for the sake of whatever I- a youth- feels is best for myself is not the most logical idea. My mother is a very intelligent and moral person who I trust. So my question, i’m not really sure what exactly to ask, do you think God has chosen this to be my vocation? Could I just be going through a phase even though I feel so deeply that this is what I am meant to do? When I consider other jobs besides law now, I no longer give them the depth of thought that I used to and quickly turn them away- always coming back to law. Most everyone that I know does not see me being a cop, but I feel I shouldnt read too deeply into other’s judgments of my capability to do something they’ve never seen me do. My dad will support almost anything that I do as long as I’m genuine. There’s this tiny little guy in my head that sometimes discourages me altogether from doing it- considering things like “are you capable of handling some of the sickest of people” “are you capable of emotionally handling some of the horrible things that could happen or be seen”. Those thoughts I do not know whether to believe. I do not know whether God has put those in my head to warn me away from law, or if they are my own doubts.
I would be so grateful for your answers, I find I cannot confide in really anyone about this. My friends really do not see me as a cop, therefor do not take me seriously when I discuss my interests and research on it. My siblings, being 3 brothers, of course do not see me being one. My mom is too worried with the danger of it and always drags me away from it. Even those that do care about such discussions havent really given me any advice, simply listened to my worries.