Did I do wrong?


#1

My 18-year-old son moved out the day after his 18th birthday. He moved in with my parents whom I do not get along with due to my husband. There are many issues with this arrangement, which I had posted in a thread a while ago, which was closed in February. I haven’t seen my son since Christmas but I have text him several times or he texts me when he needs something from me. He is always busy with his girlfriend, friends, and grandparents. He typically doesn’t have time to see me.

So, Saturday was my birthday. He text Happy Birthday to me. I responded thanks to him. I didn’t hear from him after that. I had hoped that he would stop by to see me. I had made a comment to my current husband that it would be nice for my son to stop by. Well, my husband took it, as he didn’t text me Happy Birthday because he said to my daughter about her brother not even texting your mother Happy Birthday. So, what she do? She text my parents to find out why he didn't text or call me? It wasn’t until after this that I said he did text me but what I said was it would have been nice for him to call or stop by. So, my husband started this drama that is going on now. It wasn’t about getting anything from him. It was about seeing his mother on her birthday and showing her that he loves her. So, the evening went bye and he didn’t stop.

I was pretty upset because I didn’t believe that he wouldn’t stop to see me. I thought I raised him better than that. He has changed a lot since he has moved out. So, I was really upset about this so I text him. Here is what I said to him. I want you to know that I am disappointed and hurt that you couldn’t take a little time to see me yesterday. This is I guess something I just need to accept and not let it bother me. You know what is sad is I wouldn’t do that to you. I now know that I am the problem. I am sorry. Enjoy! I love you very much and miss you a lot.

He responded: Okay and I’m supposed to be alright with the fact that you were telling everyone that I didn’t even say happy birthday or contact you at all yesterday? I responded: IT WASN’T ME!!!! I also responded: That wasn’t me that it was your stepfather. I told him you text me. Whatever it doesn’t matter anymore. You should have called or stop by. That would have meant more to me.

He responded: I was with my friend and figured it wouldn’t have been appropriate. I responded: It doesn’t matter. I am your mom and you should have made the time to see me. You make time to see everyone but me and it hurts. Its my problem so do not worry about it. He responded: You can really stop with the guilt trip at any point. I hadn’t hung out with my friend for months. So we hung out. And I wasn’t just gonna tell him to go home so I could go over. I didn’t know if I was allowed to or not. So it’s like whatever.

At this point I was so upset. I called him. He didn’t answer so I left a message and here is what I said: (Please keep in mind that I was crying and upset as I was leaving this message.) I am not laying a guilt trip on you. I haven’t seen you since Christmas as well and it was my birthday. I said it wasn’t about getting something from you it was about seeing you and getting a hug from you. It is about you loving me the way you say you do. I am tired of you saying I make you feel guilty. I didn’t force you to move out that was your choice. All I want is to see you. You know that I can’t come to where you are to see you. You know why. I said I would not bother you again. I said please know that I love you and miss you a lot. I hung up. He then sent another text within minutes of me calling him. He said: I need to know if you’re going to help me finish the FAFSA stuff or not. I’m assuming not.

I said: Now what needs done. He said: The exact stuff from my tax return. I said: What is the deadline? He said: I have no idea. I think its just ASAP. But with my luck its probably already up. I said: send the site info and I will take care of myself. He said: I don’t know that you can. I said: Please send info and I will try. If it doesn’t work then we will handle it differently. He said: I mean I don’t think we can do it that way because it can’t be saved. So, I have to do everything at once. That was the end of my conversation with him.

Please let me know what your thoughts are on this. Do you feel that I made him feel guilty? That was not my intention. I just wanted to see my son.


#2

Heather, your issues with your son are too complicated to put on one reason. He didn’t know if he was allowed at your house? You can’t go to your own parents’ house to give your son a hug?

The easy answer on the FAFSA is you can set up your own page as a parent and save your info as you get it and then send the whole file when it’s ready.

The other issue is harder to solve because you are with a man who doesn’t care that HIS presence in your life is ruining your relationship with your kids. But he’ll throw it in your face and become the guy protecting you from your own son ignoring you.

By ranting about your son on your birthday he rubs it in and looks like he cares. Give me a break.

(Have you called the diocese to alert them about safety issues?)

How are the girls? Is your husband still surfing porn in their presence?

I am not trying to be mean. I just think you need to understand that your son’s behavior is a symptom of a very serious much bigger problem.


#3

Thank God your son is safe.

Prayers that you and the girls get to a safe place soon.


#4

I have told my son over and over that he can stop anytime to see me. All he has to do is call to make sure that we are home. I wouldn’t want to miss him at this point. I don’t get to see him much. As far as me going to my parents, I will not go there due to the issues that I have with them and what they have done to me over the past two years. It is a very long story at this point.

As far as the school stuff, I thought I could do that and save it. Thanks for confirming for me. It was a terrible weekend. It is nothing for my husband to say something bad about my children but when it comes to his daughter it is a different story.

I have taken steps with my church and they have made some adjustments at this point. According to the parish attorney, they are going to put a second person in his class with him until the end of CCD. This is mainly because myself and my daughters are still at the house. They do not want to remove him now due to our safety so they are doing it this way. He will not be allowed to teach next year. They are removing him completely then.

Girls are not doing well but are managing just like I am. I do have another appointment with my priest tomorrow. They are trying to help me with a few things. Yes, he is still surfing porn. Nothing has changed on his end at all.

When you say my son’s behavior is a symptom of a very serious much bigger problem, do you mean because of my situation that I am in?

I just wanted to see my son. I don’t feel that I made him fill guilty. That was not my intent.


#5

I am so sorry for all your family difficulties, and I pray that things will get better.

I just wanted to say, regarding the FAFSA, the priority funding deadline was March 1, so your son is right when he says it needs to be done ASAP. It is his responsibility, though, to ask nicely for your help, and let you know what he needs, in a timely manner (IMO, anyway–I’ve done four years worth of FAFSA’s). It can certainly be saved. It can even be signed electronically with a PIN.


#6

I just read OP's original thread;(re:H. viewing porn openly in front of kids/girls) - OMG - even the worst pedophiles try to keep their actions a 'secret' , I'd be scarred to death of this guy sneaking around into their ( OP's daughters) bedrooms at night!! - maybe the oldest son did the smart thing of getting the h** out of there!


#7

I skimmed your old thread. Is it possible that your son is extremely uncomfortable with the thought of going to you and your husband’s house? He moved out as soon as he could to go to his grandparents’. Also, your birthday was Saturday - was your husband home? Is your son comfortable with him? Perhaps you are asking too much of him. After all, you won’t go to your parents’ house to see him.

Perhaps you should invite him to lunch at a neutral location, just him and you.


#8

I'm interested in your parents' side of the story here. They've taken in their grandson because for some reason he does not feel happy or secure with his own mother and her husband. Yet you are playing the aggrieved party and saying they did something to you.

I wonder if the whole issue is their frustration with your blindness and remaining with the creep.

Yes, he is a CREEP and why you stay with him is beyond me.

I'm glad you've talked to the priest and they've taken steps to make sure other kids are safe.

I still don't think we're getting all of this story. If it were me, I'd be grateful to my parents for taking care of my child if I couldn't or wouldn't provide a safe, secure, happy place.

Maybe your son, as a maturing young man, sees a side to your husband you refuse to see and he won't go near that house.

Maybe your husband tried something on him a long time ago and you ignored it and your parents and son are angry. Without facts, our imaginations can only run wild wondering why you are refusing to even go see your own parents.

Have you stopped to think YOUR mother may have liked to see her daughter on her birthday? The woman who gave birth to YOU has needs too, and she won't live forever.


#9

In matters of the heart it is very hard to judge right and wrong - sometimes just ill advised. The other part you need to remember is that on top of the whole “bigger picture” issue going on that your son right now is basically a hormonal selfish teenager with all the actions and ungratefulness that goes with it. It is a trying time in the best of circumstances for a Saint.

Really, the whole family needs to be in counseling.

Something I read a while back puts it in perspective - a child’s filial piety comes from the relationship with their father who gave them life. The relationship they have with the father who gave them life will parallel the relationship they have with God the Father.

Just something I wanted to share.


#10

My son is not comfortable with my husband from what I am being told. He didn’t have a problem coming to see me on Christmas. I understand that he is 18 years old and wants to do what he wants when he wants. It just hurts.

As far as my parents, they have never liked anyone that I have dated or married. My father has said “there will never be anyone good enough for you.” Well that holds true. He also said it to my sister and she is basically in the same situation. My parents are very controlling. My mother comes from a family of physical abuse and alcohol abuse. They try to be the parents of my children when they should be the grandparents. I was trying to teach my children responsibility and they didn’t feel I needed to be doing that. For example, paying for car insurance, paying for their own cell phone etc. I have nothing to hide from you. I am not keeping anything from you. I don’t want to be like my parents. I don’t want to control my kids to the degree that they did.

They pretty much let my son do what he wants when he wants to. He is 18 and is a senior in high school. He should not be coming home at MIDNIGHT on a school night. This is not really teaching him anything.

For years this has been a struggle and it will continue to be one because I do not do anything right in the eyes of parents. I resent my parents for taking me to court. They did not have any right to fight for custody. My kids have a house to live in, bed to sleep in, food to eat. clothes to wear and they pretty much get what they want. My house is very clean.

Ask me anything and I will answer. It is basically the resentment of what they did by taken me to court and their controlling ways that ruined the relationship.

I have made sure that my daughters are safe and after my appointment tomorrow hopefully everything will be in line for me.

Thank you for the advice and comments.


#11

Your parents watch their daughter live with a pervert. They want to protect their grandbabies, they have a Christian duty to protect those kids!

Midnight is not a crazy curfew for an 18 year old, as long as he has done nothing to lose trust.


#12

[quote="heather0370, post:10, topic:191618"]
My son is not comfortable with my husband from what I am being told. He didn't have a problem coming to see me on Christmas. I understand that he is 18 years old and wants to do what he wants when he wants. It just hurts.

As far as my parents, they have never liked anyone that I have dated or married. My father has said "there will never be anyone good enough for you." Well that holds true. He also said it to my sister and she is basically in the same situation. My parents are very controlling. My mother comes from a family of physical abuse and alcohol abuse. They try to be the parents of my children when they should be the grandparents. I was trying to teach my children responsibility and they didn't feel I needed to be doing that. For example, paying for car insurance, paying for their own cell phone etc. I have nothing to hide from you. I am not keeping anything from you. I don't want to be like my parents. I don't want to control my kids to the degree that they did.

They pretty much let my son do what he wants when he wants to. He is 18 and is a senior in high school. He should not be coming home at MIDNIGHT on a school night. This is not really teaching him anything.

For years this has been a struggle and it will continue to be one because I do not do anything right in the eyes of parents. I resent my parents for taking me to court. They did not have any right to fight for custody. My kids have a house to live in, bed to sleep in, food to eat. clothes to wear and they pretty much get what they want. My house is very clean.

Ask me anything and I will answer. It is basically the resentment of what they did by taken me to court and their controlling ways that ruined the relationship.

I have made sure that my daughters are safe and after my appointment tomorrow hopefully everything will be in line for me.

Thank you for the advice and comments.

[/quote]

You sound so much better and stronger than when you first started posting. Things with your son will take time. Just be the best person you can - stick to God- your son may need to go through his own hard times. But you will be better able to help in the end. Your therapist may have already said this but until you learn to deal with that relationship with your parents - your picker may never be fixed. Hugs and prayers to you.


#13

You’re not hiding anything from us so much as you’re hiding the truth from yourself. Yes, your parents grew up among abuse and drinking and controlling behavior. That is their reality. They passed some of that on to you. Which is why you were prey to two inadequate men, the present one who is VERY controlling.

Understand this: controllers can tell each other in a crowd. And your parents are correct: you have not picked men good enough for you. If I were you I’d be insulted if they were happy with your choice in men. At least they think enough of you that an insensitive perv with control issues who lets you do all the work even when you’re undergoing chemo is a bad choice.

They did not try to get custody from you because your house was clean or not clean. Someday when your daughters marry men just like the example you have found for them, you will be in the position of grandparents trying to get children away from an unstable, unsafe situation. Maybe your son asked them to get him out of there. Your child doesn’t feel comfortable around your choice of a husband and you stayed with the husband. No wonder your child resents you. Your parents have taken on the financial responsibility of a grandchild in their old age and you resent them because they put a safe roof over your son’s head and you resent them for that. Have you ever had an honest conversation with your son over WHY he feels uncomfortable around your husband? Maybe he saw something long ago and wanted out of there.

You’ve kept your daughters in it even though they have told you they feel uncomfortable. THAT is as controlling over them as anything your parents did to you. You forced your kids to stay around a man they don’t like. Just as you resent your parents for imposing their will on you, you’ve done the same to your kids when they were helpless.

The time to stop this cycle is now. My advice: Go apologize to your parents. Thank them for taking care of your son when you couldn’t or wouldn’t. Try to fix it. And get away from that man now. Free your kids to be honest. Because as long as you’re with the man and you appear to choose him over your children, they will never feel comfortable telling you what they really feel.


#14

One quote I love is “expectations are just premeditated resentments.” (sorry don’t know the author).

Seems like you’re upset with your teen-aged son because:

1)he failed to read your mind and know you were hoping he would stop by

  1. he failed to make you feel happy and loved on your birthday.

No one can read your mind and no one is responsible to make you happy. This is true of other adults and it’s really unfair to subject a child to such emotionally manipulative behavior.

I read through your previous post and am now confused since you had stated that you were planning to be out of the house by mid-March. It’s now late March and it seems like you are still choosing your abusive husband over your children.


#15

Heather, you should have said to your son "I'd love to see you today on my birthday, how can I make that happen?" But instead you pretended you live in a happy family situation and made yourself the victim.

It is obvious to everyone reading this thread , especially if they look at your other posts that he should not be visiting your home if your husband is there. He may even have lost a lot of respect for you since you are not protecting your children and yourself from this person. You need to be making the efforts to repair the relationships that have gone awry because of your actions. Work toward that. And yes, you gave him the guilt trip .Your feelings of wanting to be special on your birthday are natural and normal. But you need to take an honest look at the family situation and see why your ideas are not going to happen until some healing and some separation from the dysfunction takes place.


#16

Heather, I do agree with both what Kage and Libero said - however Libero has said it in a much more loving manner. Yes, you should make peace with your parents for what is on your side of the fence. Amends do not mean they did not do anything wrong along the way - you can’t control other people - it just means you are making peace with your sins. You must protect your children.

In case you have any questions about these responsibilites I shared this on another thread from the CCC:

On safety and seperation:

1649 Yet there are some situations in which living together becomes practically impossible for a variety of reasons. In such cases the Church permits the physical separation of the couple and their living apart. The spouses do not cease to be husband and wife before God and so are not free to contract a new union. In this difficult situation, the best solution would be, if possible, reconciliation. The Christian community is called to help these persons live out their situation in a Christian manner and in fidelity to their marriage bond which remains indissoluble.157

2382 The Lord Jesus insisted on the original intention of the Creator who willed that marriage be indissoluble.173 He abrogates the accommodations that had slipped into the old Law.174

Between the baptized, "a ratified and consummated marriage cannot be dissolved by any human power or for any reason other than death."175

2383 The separation of spouses while maintaining the marriage bond can be legitimate in certain cases provided for by canon law.176

If civil divorce remains the only possible way of ensuring certain legal rights, the care of the children, or the protection of inheritance, it can be tolerated and does not constitute a moral offense.

2384 Divorce is a grave offense against the natural law. It claims to break the contract, to which the spouses freely consented, to live with each other till death. Divorce does injury to the covenant of salvation, of which sacramental marriage is the sign. Contracting a new union, even if it is recognized by civil law, adds to the gravity of the rupture: the remarried spouse is then in a situation of public and permanent adultery:

If a husband, separated from his wife, approaches another woman, he is an adulterer because he makes that woman commit adultery, and the woman who lives with him is an adulteress, because she has drawn another’s husband to herself.177

And on your responsibility to YOUR children:

2223 Parents have the first responsibility for the education of their children. They bear witness to this responsibility first by creating a home where tenderness, forgiveness, respect, fidelity, and disinterested service are the rule. The home is well suited for education in the virtues. This requires an apprenticeship in self-denial, sound judgment, and self-mastery - the preconditions of all true freedom. Parents should teach their children to subordinate the "material and instinctual dimensions to interior and spiritual ones."31 Parents have a grave responsibility to give good example to their children. By knowing how to acknowledge their own failings to their children, parents will be better able to guide and correct them:

He who loves his son will not spare the rod. . . . He who disciplines his son will profit by him.32
Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.33

2224 The home is the natural environment for initiating a human being into solidarity and communal responsibilities. Parents should teach children to avoid the compromising and degrading influences which threaten human societies.

2228 Parents’ respect and affection are expressed by the care and attention they devote to bringing up their young children and providing for their physical and spiritual needs. As the children grow up, the same respect and devotion lead parents to educate them in the right use of their reason and freedom.

I think it tells you very clearly where your priorities lie. Put your trust in the Lord.


#17

Thank you for your advice on this matter. Please keep me and my children in your prayers.


#18

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