Did not learn the 2nd time around


#1

I joined this site because I am in conflict with my beliefs and what the real world is telling me. See, I have filed for a divorce and pending the court date (soon) to finalize it, uncontested with a child involved, he won’t fight it this time. After 4 years, I remarried same man after a long drawn out custody battle on the 1st divorce, because we were originally married in the church it made it that easy to remarry to make it legal. My husband has a long history of gambling, drinking, being moody and mean, lying, manipulative; on the reverse he is compassionate, loving, kind and generous (why I remarried him); we are in enormous debt because of his ill spending this time around, he hasn’t sent much home since he has been working. Our house is in foreclosure. He moved away 2 months ago to a small town for a new job 350 miles away when he could not find a job locally. I filed 2 days after, but we have been talking about not divorcing and making it work if we moved up there with him, alot of promises on his part. My adult daughters from a previous marriage dislike him and appaul us getting back together. I know they are right and it would be very unhealthy for me and our son to go back to him. I know I still love him, but I cannot live in turmoil again, but how can I get divorced and still believe I am giving him and me permission to be adulters the rest of our lives. I am destined to be alone as I cannot allow myself to be an adulter, let alone pay attention to anyone else. Am I just as guilty if he is with someone else? I should not be fighting with myself with this decision. The answer may be counseling, he refuses to go unless it is marriage counseling, not substance. In his small town, there is no one to turn to, let alone overwhelming the priest. The truth is I have been alone for the past 2 months and enjoy my time alone, I miss a him, but there is no arguing or frustrations on a daily basis as before. What to do? Is the answer in plain site of me? Why am I afraid to hurt his feelings, what about mine? Why am I backtracking when it is obvious what I need to do?


#2

Good for you! Just because you love someone doen’t mean it’s a good match. Now that you are alone, you are finding peace, something you didn’t have with him. Just think how hard this was on your son. Is he doing better now too? Is he more at peace?

You can’t feel responsable for your husband’s possible future adultery. He is the one that has wrecked the marriage, let him deal with the consequences.

There are many people that live chaste lives, and they find great peace and contentment in giving that gift to God. People that are now widowed, homosexuals, relgious, military couples that are separated (though only temporary), etc.

Why not just concentrate now on raising your son. His life hasn’t been that easy, and just give him all your love and attention . Who knows what the future holds for any of us? Make the best decision you can, but I wouldn’t consider making a decision on making life easier for your husband, make the decision on making life easier for your son.
I will keep you in my prayers, and all the best to you.


#3

[quote="donngge, post:1, topic:209522"]
I joined this site because I am in conflict with my beliefs and what the real world is telling me. See, I have filed for a divorce and pending the court date (soon) to finalize it, uncontested with a child involved, he won't fight it this time. After 4 years, I remarried same man after a long drawn out custody battle on the 1st divorce, because we were originally married in the church it made it that easy to remarry to make it legal. My husband has a long history of gambling, drinking, being moody and mean, lying, manipulative; on the reverse he is compassionate, loving, kind and generous (why I remarried him); we are in enormous debt because of his ill spending this time around, he hasn't sent much home since he has been working. Our house is in foreclosure. He moved away 2 months ago to a small town for a new job 350 miles away when he could not find a job locally. I filed 2 days after, but we have been talking about not divorcing and making it work if we moved up there with him, alot of promises on his part. My adult daughters from a previous marriage dislike him and appaul us getting back together. I know they are right and it would be very unhealthy for me and our son to go back to him. I know I still love him, but I cannot live in turmoil again, but how can I get divorced and still believe I am giving him and me permission to be adulters the rest of our lives. I am destined to be alone as I cannot allow myself to be an adulter, let alone pay attention to anyone else. Am I just as guilty if he is with someone else? I should not be fighting with myself with this decision. The answer may be counseling, he refuses to go unless it is marriage counseling, not substance. In his small town, there is no one to turn to, let alone overwhelming the priest. The truth is I have been alone for the past 2 months and enjoy my time alone, I miss a him, but there is no arguing or frustrations on a daily basis as before. What to do? Is the answer in plain site of me? Why am I afraid to hurt his feelings, what about mine? Why am I backtracking when it is obvious what I need to do?

[/quote]

There will be some that say, "Good for you!" But the simple truth is there is no "good" when speaking of divorce. It is a very difficult and emotional time for those that feel torn between wanting to do what is best for themselves and at the same time wanting to do what God expects. That is NOT to say that there is never a reason for a married couple to separate, but rather it's suggesting that perhaps with a divorce rate of 50% +/- in the U.S. the idea of separation is being taken advantage of. Are 50% of the men and women in the U.S. really abusive or might the problem be simply things like boredom, jealousy, financial difficulties, disagreements on how to raise children, etc?

I'm not suggesting that this is your situation. I know nothing about what is happening within your marriage. I can only tell you what I do know...

1) Marriage is a sacrament given to us by God.

2) What God has joined together no man (even those wearing black robes and banging a gavel) can separate.

3) Those couples who do separate (or civilly divorce) are still considered married both in the eyes of the Church and God.

4) If either person has sexual relations with someone other than their spouse, it is adultery.

With that in mind, I would suggest that if this situation does end up in civil divorce, you begin looking into the annulment process. If a decree of nullity is granted based on situations that existed at the time of the original wedding, your marriage will have never existed leaving both you and your husband free to marry at some future time if desired.

I'll include both of you, as well as your son, in my prayers. Take care and God bless.


#4

The "good for you" is not about a divorce, that is never a happy thing. The 'good for you" was that you finally realise that you and your son are better off without him. You kept trying to make something work that was never going to, and now you have truly and finally realised it. Your son is who is the important one here, he has gone through a lot. You both need peace.


#5

[quote="tuscany, post:4, topic:209522"]
The "good for you" is not about a divorce, that is never a happy thing. The 'good for you" was that you finally realise that you and your son are better off without him. You kept trying to make something work that was never going to, and now you have truly and finally realised it. Your son is who is the important one here, he has gone through a lot. You both need peace.

[/quote]

That may or may not be the case. When I read the OP I heard that there were obvious problems (as all marriages have). To what degree and extent... I have no answer. What possible solutions have been attempted (marriage encounters, retrouvaille, counseling, etc)? Also unknown. How long has the couple been dealing with the present issues when you say, "you finally realize...” We have no idea.

My post was not to put down your response but to remind the poster that marriages cannot be undone anymore than a human being can undo the universe. God put them together via the sacrament of marriage and the absolute last thing anyone should do is try to unravel what God has joined. Now... I say that while understanding that if the safety of the poster or her son is at stake, she should absolutely remove herself and her son from harm's way. That said, the poster did not seem to be implying that her situation was an example of this. "Gambling, drinking, being moody and mean, lying, manipulative" and also being "compassionate, loving, kind and generous" means that the husband certainly has issues that should be dealt with but also demonstrates that the poster recognizes that her husband is not without hope. The fact that he has taken a job 350 miles from home in order to attempt to support his family is a noble act. But again, I am not familiar with their marriage and only have what has been posted. Therefore, I never assume in favor of separation (or civil divorce) unless there is an immediate threat of harm. Foreclosure and overspending are the problems of many couples. Perhaps the financial situation has fueled the drinking, moodiness, and lying??? I don't know. I just hate to see marriages come to this if there is any chance to repair them.

Peace and God bless.


#6

I agree everything should be done and tried, divorce is a serious thing. But they already divorced once, she put her son through that, then they got back together (with the same results), put her son through that, now she has again disrupted her son. I think she has finally realised that her husband is not going to change into another person. He is who he is. The son is the one I have been most concerned about. She has to do what's best for her son. That was why I kept asking her about her son. He needs peace and stability.

She could seperate or get a divorce, neither is a sin if done for the right reason. But what she seemed to be most concerned about was having she and her husband being in a potential adulterous situation somewhere down the road. That was why I told her many people are celebate. What I'm worried about her son.

I wasn't trying to be combative, I just wanted to be understood. Yes there is much more here that we don't know, and it's not my business, but she wanted an opinion, and I gave her mine.


#7

I think it might be very instructive that the man simply refuses to talk to any sort of counselor on the topic of addictions.

The above is worth discussing with your priest. It may signify something pretty important about the nature of your relationship.

May Grace sustain you in all your difficulties and trials.


#8

If he is willing, you guys should try marriage counseling as one last shot to save this marriage. However, if he is not going to do the work, then divorce may be the last option. You should make an appointment with a priest and see about filing for an annulment. There are plenty of happy, holy, divorced Catholics out there leading celibate lives and there is no reason you can’t be one of them!


#9

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