(Not sure if this is allowed or not but I wrote a fairly long post and went over the character limit so I’m splitting some of it up. I don’t want to lose context by eliminating things.”)
I was raised Catholic, I’ve struggled with Same Sex Attraction. I think sometimes I focus a bit too much thinking about it. I have a desire to understand it. These last few days have been very good to me, gone to daily mass the last 3 days, I’ve probably been more social than I ever been. Considering how long I’ve felt isolated, depressed and alone, and now I feel the opposite, it’s such blessing. I feel like SSA ties into things that happened in my past and I’ve been so socially awkward and now things are finally looking up.
Ok, to the main point of the post. I’m 21, a lot of guys my age are dating and that. I feel a bit left out. The way I would explain my attraction to men, well, it’s a bit difficult. Sometimes it’s purely physical, I see a guy and think “he’s attractive/cute”. I try to guard my thoughts though from going further. I’ve felt this strong emotional/romantic urge to a guy once which was a bit confusing. I think I just desire a strong friendship with another guy. I’ve told myself, “Well, if that’s what you really desire, that’s perfectly fine. We all need a good relationship like that, real true friends. Just don’t sexualize it”. Well, I’m trying to find a friend like that, I did open up to someone this week. Had a very good conversation. I really don’t feel romantic or sexual feelings, I feel a deep appreciation though.
Anyways he talked about women a lot, now my mind has kind of been on that the last couple days. The way I would describe my attraction to women is that’s its romantic. I don’t feel anything sexually. At least I think I don’t, I’ve never dated. I feel like a lot of people experienced a lot of this in their teens and “learned the ropes” so to speak and I didn’t get that. Guys will talk about a woman’s body, obsess over her breasts or other attributes. I never really felt that, isn’t that just lusting and objectifying someone anyways? I guess I tend to do that with men, I feel a lot of envy, mainly attracted to face and upper body. I think I desire to look like that myself, because in my mind I think I’ll finally be wanted if I look that way. Which is stupid when you think about it, how does doing something sexual with another guy help me with that?
I kind of wish I struggled with lusting after women, then I could relate to other guys more. Have more in common, and not feel like an outsider. But it’s not meant to be I guess. I have romantic desires, I’ve had romantic fantasies. I find women cute. I kind of feel childish, like I use terms like “cute, pretty, beautiful” some guys will be like “she’s hot”. Well I’ve never felt that before and I think that’s lusting after her. I need some clarification on lust. Can one not admire someone else’s appearance without lusting after them? I think nudity used to be a lot more common and not associated with sex as it is now.