Difficult financial and emotional situation


#1

Hello everyone. Some of you may remember in the past I posted about how my DH and I tend to have very aggressive arguments. Fortunately we have been working on that and will probably go to counseling soon (we're on a waiting list with Catholic Charities). But a big huge part of the stress that plays into the fights has to do with our financial situation.

We have been married about 1.5 years and my DH still has not found a full-time job. When we were engaged he couldn't get a job because of circumstances entirely out of his control. But those barriers have been removed since then and he still can't find a job.

He has been fortunately doing some temp work and catering on some weekends, but the vast majority of the financial burden falls on me and my job. He is looking for jobs, sending out resumes, etc. but I really suspect he's not working nearly as hard at it as he could. I know the economy is terrible but I really don't think he's sending out more than 2 to 3 resumes a week. When I send him job links or resources he usually "forgets" to follow-up on them until I remind him.

Also a huge factor that could help us is to look for jobs in another state. Right now we live in a very very high cost of living area. I have spoken to him about the benefits of moving somewhere cheaper, and he agrees on the surface but then never takes any action to follow up on that plan. This week I sent him links to some job opportunities in a neighboring state and he said he just doesn't "feel excited" about those jobs.

This is taking a tremendous toll on my mental health. This area and my job are high stress and we are barely getting by. And on top of that all I can think about is how I want to start having children.

I just don't know what to do about the situation. I have tried begging and nagging but I've also tried giving him space, freedom, and encouragement. Still nothing seems to really motivate him to try harder or think outside the box.

He is a very loving, generous, kind man. I love him very much and want to be supportive but I am starting to feel very resentful. I don't know what my role is in all of this as a Catholic woman. I don't expected to be "taken care of" by some wealthy man. But I do expect him to bust his butt just like I do. And I do want him to be thinking about his future family and not just his personal job preferences. Is there anything I can do other than pray? I'm not used to feeling this helpless.


#2

I am sorry you are going through this. It is great you have signed up for the counseling & good in a way you can get help with this early in your marriage.
I would encourage him to hit the pavement rather than sending out resumes. My son lost his job a few months ago and went, in person, like 15 places, his last stop they hired him right on the spot.
Now this job, it is a lot of manual labor, but with a good company. Your DH may need to take something out of his field until something else comes along. It is always easier to find a job when you have one.
My best advice in this is to do what it says in the scriptures, respect your husband. Sometimes it is very hard to do, especially because as wives we often want to control it all. Let him balance the checkbook & be very involved in the finances. Pray & believe in him.

:gopray:


#3

Thank you for your advice. I will let my husband know that he can try going door to door instead of just sending out resumes. I am trying my hardest to be respectful and patient in this situation. I hope God will continue to give me grace.


#4

I am sorry that you married your husband when he was unemployed. I do not think women should marry a man who is not self-supporting. I do not mean to be uncharitable, I realize that you are already married and trying to make the best of what seems a difficult situation. If your husband is trying to find just the right job in this economy, he could be unemployed for a very long time. He needs to get out and work, period. I am afraid you may be seeing a character defect in him. Counseling will help. If you nag him constantly, it will set up a parent-child relationship between the 2 of you, which will be very unpleasant for both of you.

I will add you to my prayers.


#5

[quote="TheRealJuliane, post:4, topic:248813"]
I am sorry that you married your husband when he was unemployed. I do not think women should marry a man who is not self-supporting. I do not mean to be uncharitable, I realize that you are already married and trying to make the best of what seems a difficult situation. If your husband is trying to find just the right job in this economy, he could be unemployed for a very long time. He needs to get out and work, period. I am afraid you may be seeing a character defect in him. Counseling will help. If you nag him constantly, it will set up a parent-child relationship between the 2 of you, which will be very unpleasant for both of you.

I will add you to my prayers.

[/quote]

When we first started dating he was not unemployed, but he had to quit working because of some immigration issues. We had to wait until we were married to renew his work permit; so his unemployment during our engagement was literally, entirely out of his control. I always thought he had a good work ethic because he moved to this country with no money and was able to work difficult manual labor jobs while going to school at the same time. I actually think what may be going on is burnout and discouragement because he took out loans and also worked very hard to get a degree but now he can't find a good job. This is why I don't know what to make of the situation--I never perceived him as lazy before but now I'm not really sure what's going on.


#6

Ask him what he wants you to do. Quite simply “I want to support you but I don’t want to nag you…do you want me to send you resumes? Do you want me to remind you? How about instead of reminding you every day if I promise not to ask until Monday mornings?”

We can give suggestions here but your husband knows best what are his emotional and spiritual needs at this time. Ask him.

You mentioned he is working temp jobs, doing some catering and sending out 2-3 resumes a week. That doesn’t sound too bad to me actually. I suppose he could be doing more but pray and dig deep and find out (short of finding a great job) what exactly your husband needs to do in order that you are not angry with him…is it sending out 5-6 resumes a week? Is it working more hours at the temp service? I am asking this because you do not seem to have clarity on exactly what you expect of him until he gets a full time job. This grey-area of expectations is probably where you are the most frustrated. When you talk and have clarity on both your needs it might bring you some peace. Prayers for you.


#7

I am resurrecting this thread because I have some follow-up questions.

My husband is working to find a job but I still think he is not nearly as focused or organized as he could be. When I ask him what he wants to really do he either gives vague or unrealistic answers (e.g., I want to be a musician). I try to help him with his job search but I’m already so busy with my own job, and also I think he’s starting to resent my intervention.

I know he wants a job but honestly I think he has gotten too comfortable because I have a decent job so we are getting by fine (he doesn’t consciously think of it that way, I just think that’s what is going on under the surface).

I have had people suggest some things to me like separating the finances and asking him to pay at least half the bills each month. Or even more drastic, trying to get pregnant so he will be forced to try harder :eek:

I don’t want to do any of these things. I don’t want to be his mother and I don’t want to be the leader in the family because that’s what’s causing all this tension to begin with. Plus I feel guilty pushing too hard because it really is a ****** economy out there.

Have any of you been in a similar situation? Did you try anything drastic like what I mentioned above, and did it work or did it backfire?


#8

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