Difficult situation regarding intimacy


#1

This question may apply mostly to ladies but I’m sure some men experience this as well. I love my husband dearly and I love being intimate with him in the marital act (trying to be as family friendly as I can here!:)). But a lot of the time he is constantly wanting to!! And I don’t mean just trying to be romantic and then it turns into other things. I mean he comes right out and asks me. Every single day. Sometimes 4 and 5 times a day. I’m afraid he’s addicted to sex!!! Is that possible? And like I said, I do love him and I love being intimate, but sometimes the asking straight out for it gets to be too much. Am I wrong to feel this way? Should I want to every time he does even if that is every single day? And I know this sounds like an exhaggeration but its not. He really asks me every day. And I understand here recently because we weren’t able to at all for 2 months because I have a totally messed up system and I had a period for 2 months straight (yes, bleeding every day). But even before that and now that I’m through that tough period, he still asks for it every day:eek:. I just don’t know what to do. I feel guilty if I say no, not tonight because he looks so devastated and upset. I just don’t know what to do!!! Can someone help???


#2

Well, I’m single, so no … no useful advice to offer here (although I’m inclined to think I might very well feel as you do, if I were in your shoes - and also be as worried and confused about whether or not I should feel that way!).

I just wanted to give you a hug, because I feel bad that you’re so distressed. :hug3:

Now, someone give this poor girl some advice! :wink:


#3

Thanks for the virtual hug! :stuck_out_tongue: You’re right, I’m very confused and don’t know really how I’m supposed to be reacting and feeling about this situation. I’ve actually even considered talking to my priest about it!:blush:


#4

There is no intimacy in never having a break and being guilted into multiple requests a day on a routine basis. That is not unitive. The needs of both spouses needs to be taken into consideration. Please consider getting some counseling for yourself and your husband. And in the meantime, don’t feel guilty. I think instead you need to talk to your husband and give him an idea of what your “maximum” is. And you also need to think if birth control or pornography have a role in this problem.


#5

That would be a good thing to do.


#6

Unless pornography is playing a role here, I count you lucky.
He wants you, and he’s open enough to ask, to tell you he does.

You did say that you’d just had a TWO MONTH hiatus, correct?
I don’t know about most, but I’d be all over him, too!
Maybe he’s just trying to make up for lost time?
Sex, for me, is a bonding experience. It draws me closer to DH, reaffirms our commitment to each other. It’s one of the most intimate and sacred things we can do together, and I always feel so renewed after. Maybe your DH feels the same, and is wanting to ‘rebond’ with you? I don’t feel that he’s addicted to sex, just deprived. (two months, remember?)

Why not sit down with you DH and talk to HIM about it?
I’d feel left out and maybe betrayed if DH went to our pastor about something like this w/o discussing it with me first. Just a thought, and prayers for you both.


#7

You’re so welcome, dear! Talking to a priest actually sounds like a very good idea (although I certainly sympathize with your embarrassment), because the concern for you here isn’t merely ‘what do I want’, but ‘how do I handle this within the context of a loving Catholic marriage?’

Have strength, sweetie … an answer will present itself. :hug3:


#8

I second the advice about talking to your husband about it. Personally having little kids all over me all day, sometimes at the end of the day I don’t want to be touched AT ALL! So I can’t imagine the stress if you do not have the same desire as he does (daily or more). It is good that you want to bond with your husband! Build upon that, the good in your relationship. Don’t approach him as if it’s a burden. Be honest, be kind and be completely open with him. Marital intimacy is about as open and honest as it gets, you can have this conversation with him! :thumbsup:

God Bless you!


#9

I guess it really makes a difference too if the daily multiple requests is something that has been going on for a long time, like many months or years, or just a few weeks. I was thinking more like years in my initial response, but if it is just the result of a 2 month break, then that is something altogether different.


#10

You have every right to be concerned. Sexual addiction is a very real problem that I think is frequently overlooked, especially in marriage. It could be that he’s getting over the two month break, or it could be something more. (You might want to ask women who have had children if their husbands were like that after a several month break during pregnancy). If I am reading your post right, it sounds like he is pressuring you when you don’t want to, which is not healthy for him or for you. You will only end up resenting him and the sex. Talk to your husband and tell him how you feel, also talk to your priest, and maybe even a counselor and see if they can ehlp you.


#11

Question: Have anyone ever heard about the reversed case, that the husband has been wanting to abstain more often to the dissapointment of the wife, and that the husband gets annoyed when the wife keeps asking?


#12

I don’t want to derail the thread here but I think this situation seems unlikely, unless the man is impotent. :slight_smile:


#13

ME!! Trying to get intimate for the second time in a week once got me the question “What ARE you, a nymphomaniac?” Even as newlyweds I got refused more often than I can count. Weeks and weeks have gone by as I cried myself to sleep.


#14

Welcome to married life. :smiley:

If I would say yes everyday, my husband would be thrilled. That doesn’t mean he’s addicted to sex, it means he’s a man. :smiley: :stuck_out_tongue: My husband doesn’t always say the words each day, but I know he wants to. I think you should just talk to him, tell him that you’re trying your best but that his constant requests tend to feel pressuring, not a turn-on. :rolleyes:

I hope you can figure out a compromise, because I know the stress this can cause. Best wishes. :slight_smile:


#15

Thanks so much for all your replies. I feel lots better. And, if it was just the 2 month hiatus, I wouldn’t be upset but its not, its all the time. And pornography did used to be the problem but he has stopped that (thank goodness!) I do talk to him and he says he understands and I told him that if he didn’t flat out ask for it every day it wouldn’t be so bad. Thanks again and keep us in your prayers!


#16

Saw this a while back thought it had some good points.

At the Divine Level, Marriage and Sexuality is a Sacred gift from our Lord, one of many things that separate us from the other mammals on the planet. This is a truth, no matter what the morons say in the commercial media. The Church made Holy Matrimony a Sacrament continuing to make Marriage a Sacred gift from God. Human Sexuality is also part of that sacred gift from God, as a major part of Marriage. I often ask myself, “Is the day to day sacrifices, work and even sexual relationship” “something I have to do” or is it “something I get to do” as part of this Blessed Marriage.

At the human level, marriage is a man and a women coming together to give of themselves. When one spouse consistently and repeatedly chooses not to give of themselves, that is the person who owns the unraveling and destruction of the marriage. That is the person were the apologies should start from.

Imagine if a husband said, I don’t want to give of myself to you, today and go to work to earn a living, because I have a headache, I have cramps, I am to tired, I am to stressed or some other reason.

Imagine if a husband said, I don’t want to give of myself to you, today and take you out to get something to eat on Fri. or Sat. night, because I have a headache, I have cramps, I am to tiered, I am to stressed or some other reason.

You always see women with husbands in tow, shopping in the ladies or children’s stores/Dept’s. Imagine if a husband said, I don’t want to give of myself to you, today and go shopping with you, because I have a headache, I have cramps, I am to tiered, I am to stressed or some other reason.

The list could go on forever. A man, husband, father gets up every day without complaining, about sleep, ailments or their feeeeeeeeelings and does things almost automatically. Not sure If you want to be single and sexless or not just another view. If you want to be married then make that a priority and maybe, don’t just give your marriage the left over time from the day.


#17

Good News about Sex and Marriage
by Christopher West

I would highly recommend that everyone struggling with intimacy issues in their marriage read this book.

It was given to us by the familiy and life director of our Archdiocese.

After reading this book it completely changed the way I view our marriage, sexuality and the marital embrace. Be forwarned that it hits many issues most Catholics either don’t want to hear or don’t want to belive, but Mr. West supports all the facts with teachings of the Catholic Church, Scripture and Pope John Paul’s Theology of the Body. There are also several websites which offer his talks on CD format.

It should be read by both husband and wife, discussed with each other and, if necessary, a priest or family life director. I REALLY wish it would be required for all couples preparing for marriage and I pray that it will be one day.

I will pray for all of us who have marital intimacy issues and I ask that you pray to God for healing in all marriages as well.


#18

The OP did say “Sometimes 5 times a day”. While sex within marriage is a gift from God, the Cathechism also says “The spouses do nothing evil in seeking this pleasure and enjoyment. They accept what the Creator has intended for them. At the same time, spouses should know how to keep themselves within the limits of just moderation. Somehow I don’t think a husband expecting sex 4or5 times a day falls under 'just moderation”.


#19

What Garza said.

This is what Kristy said, “I mean he comes right out and asks me. Every single day. Sometimes 4 and 5 times a day.” He is just asking, NOT doing. Maybe, if he is, wanting intimacy 4-5 times a day, he is bluffing. If that is the case either get the boy a hobby or call his bluff.:wink:

From Corinthians we see:

1 Corinthians 7: 4-5

4 A wife does not have authority over her own body, but rather her husband, and similarly a husband does not have authority over his own body, but rather his wife.

5 Do not deprive each other, except perhaps by mutual consent for a time, to be free for prayer, but then return to one another, so that Satan may not tempt you through your lack of self-control.

From Pope John Paul II:
John Paul II also says that if the only reason a couple is having sex is to transmit life, then they may be in danger of using each other rather than loving each other (see Love & Responsibility p. 233).

Also, John Paul describes the “beatifying experience” of conjugal union as a foretaste of the joys of heaven (see TB, Dec 16, 1981 and Jan 13, 1982). In Love & Responsibility, by his detailed discussion of the husband’s responsibility - out of authentic love for his wife - to see that she achieves sexual climax (see Love & Responsibility pp. 270-278).

Let’s not jump to conclusions. Let Kristy speak for herself. If however Sex is a choir for some of us, in your relationship, that is another thread.


#20

You mention that he is always asking you, but do you ever ask him? Assuming the answer is no, do you think that if you initiated intimacy that maybe he could go a day without having marital relations?


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