Dilemma - advice appreciated!


#1

Hey guys...some advice would be greatly appreciated!

First of all, I'm not very strong in my faith. I believe in God, Jesus, etc. however whenever I pray for something I don't really have much faith that it will happen, or I get discouraged, hence I don't really have much of a spiritual life and am a pretty big sinner.

Now for the meaty bit, I was dating this girl awhile back, we broke up and haven't seen her in nearly a year now, however I have kept in fairly regular contact with her over the phone. I still have feelings for her and do care about her (or so I think at times) - anyways, after SHE broke up with me she went through a phase of depression and anger, slept around with several guys, and even got filmed without her knowledge, tried to commit suicide, etc.

So of course this has deeply upset me as well, and she is depressed, is feeling pretty sickly, and feels like no one wants her. I've offered many times for her to come back to me and that I would take care of her, but she does not want to, she does not even want to meet me, just comes up with millions of excuses.

However, she wants to have long talks on the phone with me, and lay all her troubles on me, probably because I listen and I care ~ I have a pretty strong backbone and despite my emotional take with her, I can handle things when it gets pretty rough, painfully listened to her talking about her sexual encounters with guys, her attempted suicide attempt, hospitalization etc. over these last few months whilst restraining my anger (remember I have feelings for her).

The reason I guess she just wants me there is as some kind of support for her to cling on to all the while she goes and sleeps around. I could blast her, say some rude things, block her and never answer a call again, but I'm afraid I'll see a suicide in the paper, I could just disappear off the face off the Earth but I don't know what other troubles she'll get up to.

Despite all the rubbish that has been happening, I would take her back because I care about her and I don't want to see her hurt, but I don't really know what I should do. I've prayed about it, that whether or not she comes back to me, for God to help her, but whenever I hear a new story about her current "toy" she's doing it with, I get discouraged and stop praying.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Cheers


#2

Wow.

Well I can sympathise some, as I was in a similiar situation though not near to the degree you are.

In my situation (ex-girlfriend wanted to talk about stuff (often things hard to hear with me) even haver breakup) I had to tell her I couldnt talk anymore.

Basically whats happenning is she wants her cake and wants to eat it to. She wants to be able to go out and do things and such but still have a stable person to talk to and that will comfort her.

In the end the best course of action is to eliminate the contact for a few reasons: 1. Its keeping you from moving on and 2. Its not fair to you.

In addition she may even realize that she cant abuse you (and she is abusing your love for her) and it may make her realize she needs to come back if she wants you. (Though whether you should (not would) take her back is another discussion))

Another point, She is in grave sin, now I tell you what if anyone can understand how hard these things can be its me, but the fact also is that sin has a habit of dragging people down with it.

I know its hard man, believe me I understand, but you dont deserve to have your freely given love abused like this. I sincerely advise you to move on, sometimes good things have to fall apart so great things can fall toghether.

I would ask Our Blessed Mother to send you one of her devout daughters to you so you can have a more holy and loving relationship with someone that can love you more and that you can love even more than anyone you have felt before.

Or maybe look into a vocation? Pray for direction is the most sound bit of advice, but ya really need to cut the ties so you can heal as well.


#3

Fair advice mate, you are right, I’ve known that but what’s been holding me back is just a tinge of hope she’ll come back, but mainly because I don’t want her to suffer like she is right now.

But I guess I have to let things go, thanks for the advice mate.


#4

Hi Brother,
it's clear that you have a kind heart. However for both your sakes, the advice of the previous poster is good. You don't need to be involved with someone who's got so many emotional problems and is deep in sin, though probably not realizing it, and she needs to take responsibility for her own life.
If you tell her that you can't talk with her anymore, I suggest you offer her someone she can talk to -- a counselor in her area you can recommend, maybe, or a priest. That way she won't feel abandoned.
Tell her that you care very much about her welfare, but that your talking to her is not helping either of you. That the best thing she can do is get back to church and stay close to Jesus and Mary, and make an appointment with a priest or counselor to get the help she needs to straighten out her life.
God bless.


#5

I say that you're doing the right thing in that you're praying, however you shouldn't stop praying when you hear some of these things. Persistence is the key!

Also, keep in mind that the point of a relationship is not to change a person, which they won't do. Instead, a relationship should really be a great friendship between a guy and a girl, until marriage when it ramps up.

So really, just keep praying and be a friend for her, but don't persue a relationship. Perhaps you can be a 'mentor' or just someone to talk to and get help from. But stay away from a true relationship. If she's treating other guys poorly, why should she treat you any better?

I know this probably isn't easy to hear, so my prayers are with you.

This is all my take, so don't listen to me personally. Listen to the consensus and make a decision then :thumbsup:


#6

Cooldude, thanks for your response mate, it certainly is a good one and I thank you for your prayers!

I do not mind if I am not in a relationship with her, it does hurt my feelings that she's having casual sex with other guys because I did bond quite strongly with her before, but it is not causing me too many problems, I'm fairly resilient :cool:

I am not too fond of being some kind of pseudo-girlfriend for her to lean on and gossip with on the phone, so I'll probably suggest that she start taking advice, I know of many good resources such as Jason Evert and messages that should get her back on track if she does decide to follow my advice.

Thank you again.


#7

Hi,
I'm afraid what the girl's doing is using you, a subtle form of exploitation. She knows you are emotionally attached to her, so she can keep you on the hook, keep you available for when she needs someone to talk to. It is difficult, perhaps impossible for you to set and enforce boundaries with her, because you love her and are afraid that she would commit suicide or otherwise hurt herself. On the other hand, the girl is probably aware of your fears and uses them to exploit you and keep you on the hook.

For this reason, it would be good for you to "pass her on" to someone who will still care about her, but someone whom she cannot emotionally blackmail (allusions or threats of suicide, and other self-destructive or dangerous behavior are emotional blackmail, as long as she brings them up and uses them to manipulate you). Pass her on to a mental health specialist or a priest. If she refuses to deal with those people instead of dealing with you, don't feel guilty about it. That would only show that she was sticking with you instead of a mental health professional who "means business", because she never meant business in the first place, she never meant your support as a help to pull her out of her lifestyle. In other words, if she doesn't mean business, as in changing her life, your presence will not help her. But if she does mean business, a mental health professional, or priest trained in how to treat addicted, depressed and self-destructive people could help her more than you can.


closed #8

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