I posted [thread=353938]last week[/thread] talking about the retreat I was going to, that I was quite nervous about.
Well, I did since attend that retreat, and have come back, and am so glad that I went.
I think I mentioned that I felt like many things were shifting in my life. My priorities were shifting and I felt like God was slowly shaping my life. I also felt like the retreat would play a key role in all of that. I still feel that I am right about that.
Last November/December, I was posting around CAF saying that I felt called to the priesthood. I threw myself completely into studying the Bible and the Church’s teachings, and absolutely loved it.
But I ended up suppressing it, thinking I should give music another chance. I’m also a pianist, and I thought that I should try to develop that gift as much as possible through the classical training I received in the music school.
Well it didn’t really work out. I tried to throw myself into music, since the music major, especially for performance, is a very hectic major requiring one’s full attention and dedication. My prayer life suffered as a consequence, and predictably, I gradually stopped going to mass.
Things started building up on me, because I was unable to put into music what the music performance major required. I eventually withdrew from the university, planning to transfer somewhere else, but just needing to recover from that whole situation.
It took me a while to once again approach my relationship with God and reignite my faith. Well I guess not all that long; it was about a month or so after leaving the university. I gradually found that same fire that I felt within me last year.
I knew I had to go to this retreat. Those old thoughts from last year were gradually coming back to me, though I was still fighting them off a bit. I had thought, after recovering from the disaster that was last semester, that I could deal with those issues and try music again, maybe with a less rigorous schedule for now.
This retreat helped me to realize several things:
*]I love and am dedicated to God more than anything else in this world
*]I have the great desire to serve God in the best way I am able to
*]I’m unable to put my full time and attention into music because it’s simply not my primary love.
I know a few music majors, and their entire lives are all music. There’s just no time for anything else, and it takes a lot of dedication and undivided attention.
So, those thoughts of discernment are arising again, and I am allowing them to.
It is so complicated though. I am a baptized Catholic, and I have gone to confession, but because of what happened last semester, I did not finish RCIA, and so was not confirmed nor received first Holy Communion.
I have no desire to go back to Duquesne University, where I was before, because I feel that their theology is too liberal and I don’t want that to inadvertently influence my views for the worse.
The problem is that most think I am way too young in the faith to be discerning much of anything right now. But I have to do something in college. Obviously if I do enter seminary, it won’t be until after I earn a degree.
So I really want to study either theology or philosophy. I am also looking into transferring to somewhere like Franciscan University of Steubenville.
So many things are up in the air right now though, and I don’t know how they will be resolved. FUS has a pre-theologate program for those who are discerning a vocation to the priesthood or religious life, but I don’t know if I’d be accepted into it because of my circumstances. I am a little frustrated and fearful. I am afraid of financial aid being affected if I can’t get into the university for the fall semester. I’m afraid of making another mistake, though I don’t feel like I am. The more I think about it, the more excited I am and the more certain.
I know this is just a lot of rambling, but I had to let all of this out, and ask for your prayers once more. I feel like God is working in my life somehow, but I really hope that everything is going to work out.
I’m considering using my musical ability to learn some hymns and maybe try to get a job playing at a church to help support myself and help in paying for tuition. I don’t know if that will work out or not, either.
I thank God for all of your support last time I asked for prayer that the retreat would go well, and I would be very grateful for your continued support and prayers.