I have been discerning my vocation for almost 6 months now, since last summer. As of right now, I feel attractions for both a religious life and a marriage life, but more so towards the marriage life. Recently I’ve been feeling as if God may be really calling me to marry, even though my initial thought was to become a religious sister. In that, I mean, I have gotten to where I am today because I had first thought that my vocation was to live a religious life. However, my desires for a religious life have been waning and I feel my heart drifting away from it and instead, drifting towards a marriage life. There are prayer moments when I feel as if God really does want me to marry. But I just keep on thinking that I “should” become a religious sister-not only because we are in need of religious brothers and sisters, but because I think I am capable of being one. And also because there are moments when I have those desires to serve God’s people.
I have been continuously praying ever since my discernment. I do have a spiritual director. I have gone to a silent discernment retreat. I go to Adoration as much as I can. I receive Penance as much I can now, for I know that sins can cloud my heart and vision. I try to attend daily mass as much as I can as well.
Well, I have a friend from my parish who is also discerning right now(specifically the priesthood). We have known each other since we were kids(we’re both in college now).
Four years ago, I had a crush on him even though I did not know him really well-I just knew that he had such a kind heart.
Four years later, I find myself in the same position…but it is not simply a “crush” this time.
We usually do not see each other outside of church for we aren’t that close, but this past summer, when we were both back from college, we were able to hang out in groups for a few times.
Getting to see and know more of the person he is, he became one of my biggest inspiration for me to really look into the vocation as a religious sister. From what I saw and knew, he is such a holy and faithful Catholic. In a way, he made me want to become the most holy and faithful I can be-the “best version” of myself.
At the end of summer, he had to leave to return to his college.
A few weeks after his departure and also a few weeks into my discernment of religious life, I decided to first share my discernment process with him because I wanted to and kept on feeling that I should and could(I was scared to share my discernment process with anyone at the time). And subsequently, he shared his current discernment process with me too!! I was actually one of the select few that he felt he could talk to about this even though we were barely close! He told me though that I, in his eyes, had always appeared so holy(I don’t think I was close to holy back then) and that he wanted to be where I was with my faith. So in a way, we saw in each other the person that we want to become.
Our friendship grew beyond our initial level of just jokes and laughters. We grew in our trust and understanding of each other as we grew spiritually and in faith, together.
And ever since the day he left for college last summer, there is not one day that I had not thought about him and missed him. There are of course, periods of time where we’d not talk to each other for college keeps us both very preoccupied. But even so, I can feel my feelings for him grow each day…even though I haven’t seen him since last August! And sometimes, I don’t think that it’s good to feel this way towards someone while discerning, so I try not to talk to him a lot.
Our friendship and love for each other is rooted in God’s love. This is the first time that I had this kind of friendship-a spiritual friendship that is centered around Christ and His love. And it does feel very different and special.
If I am called to a married life(which is still a little uncertain), I can see him as my future spouse…it is a weird feeling…I can see myself being in a chaste and holy relationship with this guy, and raising our children in faith together. I have to admit, I do think about this quite a lot…as I am more drawn to a marriage life now.
**So since I’m still discerning a religious life as well, I should definitely not date, right? And also, it may just be me feeling this way…he may not feel this way towards me at all! I know that he is a very reserved guy in feelings wise…so if he did feel the same way, I don’t think he would ever tell me as he also knows that I’m in a complicated mess right now in life. And what if he is really called to be a priest? I’d be causing us both distractions, right? . **
But I can’t help but feel this feeling for and about him…
Thank you for reading