Discerning marriage


Hello! First time poster here :slight_smile:

I have been dating my girlfriend for a year and a half. We got engaged last oct. I should add that it is a long distance relationship.

She is my best friend and we talk multiple times on the phone everyday. Because of the distance we stay with each other when we visit one another and this has obviously led to sexual temptation and sin. We have gone back and forth from waiting to have sex to not waiting.

She came into the church this last Easter, which was great, however from time to time she will express that she doesn’t agree with everything the church teaches. I believe it is on issues of sexual morality/sex before marriage. She receives the sacrament of confession every few weeks to every few months and goes to church every weekend. I believe she has issues with Church authority and really grabbing onto the reality and objective truth of her god given authority.

She has said things like, “I will never go to daily mass regularly”. “Obsessing over the Eucharist and spending hours in front of it is wack.” And “I don’t need some old white guy to tell me how to live my life.” “If I happen to miss mass some weekend because I’m traveling to visit friends or at a festival I don’t think that’s a big deal”.

She was raised baptist, and didn’t practice religion for about 9 or 10 years until approaching her Christian faith again by going to a Very liberal Protestant church for about a year before she met me. After I told her that I was looking for a catholic wife and family, and I invited her to check out the RCIA program in her town, she joined almost immediately went through it.

We pray together before meals and sometimes spontaneously throughout the day.

She loves God but Her faith is very young. Her prayers are always petitioning God for this or that( not that that is bad but she hasn’t learned and actually is rather turned off by the rosary or mercy chalet or meditative prayer in general. I actually remember having many of the same sentiments towards the church when I was younger. I was raised catholic and went to catholic schools and over the last 4 years have really embraced my faith.

She is in a master program on the other side of the country and we make fairly frequent trips to see each other. The longest we have gone without seeing each other is two months.

We have been chaste for the last month and a half. We are trying.

I sense that she probably wouldn’t be able to articulate in great detail exactly what she believes but she definitely identifies as Christian and has referred to her “catholic faith”.

Im sure that by continuing to be exposed to the sacraments she will continue to mature in her faith but I fear that an unconscious belief of relativism has greatly effected her thinking over a period of 10 years where she had 10 different " serious" relationships and lived with a few of them.

I really do want to marry her but I have run across some of these red flags and am just looking for some spiritual guidance and advice on discernment and good questions to ask myself to try to arrive at whether or not she is the one for me.

Thank you for your time and efforts
God bless!


So when is the marriage? I really don’t see any red flags, just immaturity. Lots of life long Catholics struggle with parts of the faith. Maybe you are looking for a reason to ditch.:confused:


Wrong One.:nope:

Its been 18 months and you don’t have a assured, positive feeling that this is the one. You feel hesitant. You are not comfortable with her knowledge / view / practice of the Catholic faith.

Move on.:takeoff:

Next time, look for someone whose Catholic faith / beliefs / practices are an inspiration to you…you know, someone that can help lead you to Heaven. :getholy: Also, forget the long-distance romance – that’s just a waste of $$$ and time.


I don’t like that… 10 different “serious” relationships in a span of 10 years?.. What makes u different from the other 10?

U need to remember that when u have children, it is your Catholic duty to raise them Catholic. If u see this being a major obstacle, then it’s definitely not a good idea.

Also, I think it would be good to talk to a good pastor, or spiritual adviser about all this as well.

God bless! :slight_smile:


unmet expectations and being unable to agree on a budget are two things that can destroy a marriage and relationship.

i know from experience that if one party is quite religious and the other isnt quite as religious, it can cause problems, as well.

st paul says we are to be patient with the young ones, so whenever she does show an interest, be genuinely happy, but not overboard, with her desire to participate.

i’ve had to deal with discerners who come from ‘nominally catholic homes’. its quite a cross for them to bear.

prayer is the only thing that’s going to help her. grace is what is needed–that is the only way she is going to grow spiritually.

whenever she throws off on devotions, just say, ‘some folks enjoy that time with the lord and it makes them better people.’ never accuse her of anything. you’re still a salesman for catholicism. whatever she does do, encourage her to do so to the best of her ability. build on the fundamentals. the spontaneous prayer between you is good.



Your own faith seems pretty mature, even though you have let yourself drop the ball when it comes to your sexual temptation. But I won’t really blame you for it, since it is usually seen as a normal thing these days and your bride doesn’t seem to take Church authority too seriously. Just try to avoid it from here on out, even though your virginity is already gone… But let us move on from the sins of the past :thumbsup:

Her faith is indeed very young, and she will need a bit of guidance herself on her relationship with the Big Guy. Try to help her as much as you can, and show her the props of the things that she doesn’t seem very attracted to, they are really special gifts from God that anyone should learn to embrace properly (and that comment on the Eucharistic Adoration was a particular hard kick on my teeth, but I guess she could watch this and try to say that seriously… She’s missing out :rolleyes:).

On the “red flags” that you’ve talked about, it’s a matter of talking to her about how great these gifts are when you’re in a good context to do so, and as you put it, keep her exposed to them. The three talks from the man I linked above are also great to open some doors to a reality that we don’t immediately see with our limited sight, and they’re a good example of the type of things you and her could watch if she doesn’t feel too weird to do it. Just don’t force things upon her, that may be annoying. :slight_smile:

On the discernment for marriage, I’m really sorry but I can’t help you. I’ve done my own discernment, and right now the Lord seems to be calling me to put on the cloth. :thumbsup:

I wish you good luck, and you will be on my prayers. Be faithful to the Lord, and He will provide you with the info and resources you need to better define your life.
God bless!


Sounds like she went through the RCIA to cement the relationship which is probably the wrong reason. Her attitude about the Church sounds bad.

Stop sleeping over at each others place for starters. Discerning marriage in this case is probably premature. Apparently she does not have respect for the things you value. This sounds like a bad match for you.


My advice would be to move on to a Catholic girl who holds her faith very close to her heart. 10 serious? relationships in 10 years. You don’t want to be the 11th.
I was a cradle Catholic, but wasn’t following it all the time until I met a man who practiced his faith religiously and I believe he saved my soul. We were married for 40 years and my children and grandchildren are all practicing Catholics. Please pray very hard on this. It means your way to eternal happiness.


Thank you for your responses!

I think I got engaged too early, but it has been really challenging to try to talk about that. We have but it doesn’t go over all that we’ll lol

I have seen her grow a lot over the time we have been together. Just the fact that she has gone from having a minimum wage job and being in an unhealthy relationship with a real jerk to getting her masters degree, joining the Catholic Church, going to mass and reconciliation, quitting cigarets, cutting way back on her drinking, and exercising regularly in under two years is pretty awesome.

I know what you mean about the comment about the Eucharist! But it is clear that she says these things out of ignorance.

I too went through a period of about 10 years where I did drugs, skipped mass, got into new age practices, and had a very unhealthy relationship of my own, but that started when I was in middle school. So, by the time I got to college I was just starting to come out of all that garbage, which is when I really started asking the big questions and searching for truth. Of course I ended up back at the church and then it took another couple years until I began really trying to live the faith.

I truly believe that I have been blessed by your responses and that you have helped me greatly. I also very strongly believe that through the intercession of our blessed mother and st padre pio that she can continue her journey into the heart of the mystical body of our lord Jesus!

I know that your prayers together with Mary’s intercession will certainly move her heart towards obedience to the church and a deeper faith accompanied by a better understanding of the mysteries.

Please pray for us! It truly will make all the difference!


All things are possible through God!

Mary’s petitions can not be refused!

Please ask Mary with me to go to God and ask Him to provide Valerie with an abundance of grace and miracles to soften her heart and give her 20 20 vision with the eyes of faith as well as the strength and humility to respond to that grace! Also pray that I do not get in the way!

Thank you!

Ave Maria!!!


To each their own, but from your post I sense that your looking to “Save” her instead of embracing her faults as married people do.

Just my two cents.

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