I realize an online forum is not the best place to talk about something like this, but it is weighing on me greatly, and I don’t readily have anyone else to talk to about it, and I desperately need to talk to someone about it. So, please, be compassionate in your responses.
I’ve been married for six years, and we have 2 kids. I’ve always wanted 3 kids, and that number has always sort of been in the back of my mind. My other 2 are three years apart. We liked that spacing and, as is a benefit of using NFP, we were able to time our pregnancies pretty much exactly the way we wanted. The younger child is now 2 and two months, and so it’s coming upon the time to “try” again if we were to do the same three year spacing. I really want another baby. I feel like there is something missing in our family, a void that needs to be filled. But I’m also very conflicted. I come from a family of people who are all mentally ill, as in virtually everyone closely related to me — mother, father, grandparents, aunts, uncle, first cousins — with the exception of two or three of them, all of them have some sort of mental illness ranging from mild to severe. One is on the autism spectrum. I am somewhere in between mild and severe on the mental illness scale. I am often depressed and anxious. I am on medication and have had three different psychologists, and nothing has helped.
I struggle to raise the two kids I already have. I know I wound them with my words and raised voice. I let them play with too much technology because I do not have the energy to do activities with them. I yell at them over small things and parent in anger. I apologize to them when this happens. But I often feel like my kids bring out the worst in me.
I have asked my husband many times whether or not he wants another child. He has put the ball in my court. He says he is fine with two kids and is also fine with three kids. So it’s all on me to decide.
I really want another child. I just don’t feel like I can go through pregnancy, childbirth, a year or more of sleep deprivation, etc. all over again, all while caring for the two I already have. My husband works long hours and travels for his business, so I don’t think he will be of much help. I don’t trust my mentally ill mother enough to have her in my home to help me. I am just so tired and worn out, mostly mentally but also physically. But this desire for another child won’t go away. I feel like I will be miserable if we don’t have another and I will also be miserable if we do. There is no win.
I just want opinions. I know no one can give a black and white answer, as it is for me and my husband to ultimately discern. I’m just feeling very distraught and need to get it out in the open.