Wanting to be with my best friend, with a dooming fear of priesthood
My girlfriend and I are taking a break as of now, and we plan on working on ourselves before we get totally back together to fully plan a future, however, this DOOMING fear of priesthood has been scaring me to my soul.
Finally when I’m the happiest in my life, and most hopeful to serve God with my other half, this fear comes in to ruin things. I have had minor thoughts of priest hood awhile ago, but never a yearning for it.
It’s almost like I’m being forced to leave her for the priesthood out of fear that God will no longer bless us if I disobey him, and I will surely perish if I choose my love. I don’t want to leave her, and I promised her marriage. I want to give myself to her, and serve God through her, but when I think about us, this fear makes me cry out to God, to not be so cruel as to rip me from my best friend. When I talk to her and share life with her, I feel so at home, and hopeful. I’ve never had a true home all my life when moving, but I feel I’ve finally ended a search with this girl.
I see my late mother in her, and we both share the same desire to lead people to God, but we love each other so much. But this fear makes me want to give up on this just so her and I will be safe from Gods displease. I want us to serve the Lord together, as two halves of one body. I am honored by priesthood, but joinIng will be giving up on her out of fear. I don’t fear priesthood, I admire it, but I have great DREAD if I choose my best friend and love over priesthood.
This all feels like a war in my heart and my head. I have never been so willing to fight to keep this love between my best friend and I, and I can’t shake the thought that this could be Satan using the idea of Gods will against me, and when I think that, it flips, as if Satan wanted me to think that all along. It’s tiring, and it’s scary. I don’t fear priesthood, but I refuse to join out of cowardice. I see, feel, and think that going to the navy, and working on the relationship with her and God as so full of joy, challenge, and hope for the future.
When I think about being with her, I only worry about the here and now. I hope for a good future, but I don’t try to think about what it entails. I am filled with such hope it brings tears to my eyes.
But with the priesthood, I only worry about the future, and the mistake I’d be making if I left her. It feels like I’m being bullied into priesthood, and God will refuse to listen to my cries unless I give in and submit.
Thinking about it being Gods will for her and I to be together, gives me such relief, and desire to help others for a multitude of reasons: Because I’m so full of love, love of God, love of her, and love of others. To thank God, and to do my job to spread him around to others, and share advice from my own experiences. It’s such a peaceful relief to think about it. It’s such bliss, no worry. Thinking about the present with my best friend, and having God lead us is such a relief… so peaceful. Any advice would be greatly blessed