I’ve been discerning religious life for 3 years this Easter, since I had my first spiritual experience in a Catholic Church. My problem is this, despite the fact prior to that Easter I hadn’t masturbated for roughly half a year before then, and for a year and 2 months after(during my year in rcia and following conversion), I ended up having sexual relations with a girl(no sexual experience prior), I thought about marrying her(we were engaged, but that fell apart, thank God), despite her being non-catholic and huge problems. I really only wanted to try and have sex with her because I wanted to attempt amplexus reservatus(I know it’s heresy and condemn, I made a mistake), because of its white tantra implications(which miserably didn’t work out like I thought it would, though it was surprisingly easy to last hours and not orgasm, but I just didn’t feel the spiritual experiences that were promised by the occult writings I was into). We split up after a few months, and emotionally I was a wreck, I’ve been struggling with lust since it’s horrible I really wish I never did what I did, but I can’t take it back. I can go a month without doing anything to myself physically, but then it all falls apart, and I fail again.
How can I even begin to want to think about being a religious when I’m still having so many lustful thoughts? I can’t stop thinking about women’s ovaries!! The previous mentioned girl is now married and about 5 months pregnant and a relative is having a baby, 1 other girl I know is pregnant, and two others just had their second child. Why do I keep thinking about making babies? Why won’t God stop it even though I’ve repeatedly confessed, since my sexual experience with the girl on average 2 times a month? I pray about it constantly, but the motivation I had before for stopping was the idea that orgasm distinctly lead to to hell, so I strictly avoided it. Now I can’t seem to achieve that same fear in myself to stop and apparently I don’t love God enough or girls in my life to stop thinking horrible thoughts and pleasuring myself, thinking about them pregnant. :bighanky:
The priest who was at my parish assures me I’d make a wonderful priest, and he is very highly respected in my diocese, but I don’t see it because I am struggling with this so much. Should I try and talk to a therapist? I was molested when I was younger and even the sexual experience I had with the girl was premeditated seduction. She even told me her friend bet her she couldn’t take my virginity, to hurt me. I felt really bad for her that she was raped and I wanted to help her get off drugs so bad, and my crazy mother(single parent, definitely not catholic) invited her to live with us, so I couldn’t even escape the temptation and it just became worse and worse, considering she was absolutely sexually voluptuous and appeared so vulnerable at the time, I was overwhelmed! I don’t know how to stop this. I feel like a young teenager again, please someone help me, but I’m 22!