I’ll try to keep this as short and sweet as possible.
One thing is certain: I want God to be the center of my life. Whatever my vocation is, I want it to revolve around Him.
The problem is, I keep flitting from marriage and becoming a sister.
If it’s marriage, I have very high standards for myself and for who my future husband should be. I would want a husband who radiates Christ (or, at least tries his best to) in his actions and speech. After reading ‘Theology of the Body’, I saw marriage, and all things connected to it, in a much more radiant light. I wanted that.
Lately, my relationship with Christ has been growing deeper and deeper. I’m falling in love with Him more and more. As of yesterday (perhaps I’m jumping to conclusions too quickly), I’m questioning whether a marriage with just any man will be sufficient for me. Idk.
I have a passion for writing (and drawing) stories. I want to draw manga-styled comics. I know without a doubt that God wants me to use this talent for Him.
Since I want to use the media, I’ve been looking into the Daughters of St. Paul. I like the idea of going to daily Mass and Eucharistic Adoration and having that very God-centered lifestyle. However, I’m not sure the idea of living in a women’s only community and only seeing my family three weeks a year really fits well with me. In fact, as I am quite a tomboy, I feel like I fit in with guys more than girls on many occasions. I have a very close relationship with my brother, and many of my interests are, stereotypically speaking, boyish, which make conversations with guys in many instances easier to initiate or continue. I like video games, rock music, skateboarding, among other hobbies and interests.
There was a time when I was going through, I guess you could call it, a “dark night of the soul”. The kindness of family and friends were like reminders of Christ’s love. Even small acts of love were enough to keep that small flicker in my soul lit.
To make things more complicated, last night when I was in prayer, the thought flashed in my head that I thought I heard Christ telling me He wanted to marry me! I don’t know if that thought was feelings induced of if He was really speaking to me. Whenever I do feel Him speak to me, it’s as if His words hug my heart. They give me a lasting, inner peace. The thought I had last night left me feeling conflicted. I guess I have a fear of making a mistake that I can’t reverse. If I go for the consecrated life, I’m afraid of regretting what I’m giving up: raising children, matrimony and all that comes with it, etc. If I go for marriage, than I’m afraid of disobeying a voice that was actually God’s voice speaking to me and not a figment of my feelings.
Any input? Perhaps any Daughters of Saint Paul out there?
Thanks in advance