Discernment trouble

I’ll try to keep this as short and sweet as possible.

One thing is certain: I want God to be the center of my life. Whatever my vocation is, I want it to revolve around Him.
The problem is, I keep flitting from marriage and becoming a sister.
If it’s marriage, I have very high standards for myself and for who my future husband should be. I would want a husband who radiates Christ (or, at least tries his best to) in his actions and speech. After reading ‘Theology of the Body’, I saw marriage, and all things connected to it, in a much more radiant light. I wanted that.
Lately, my relationship with Christ has been growing deeper and deeper. I’m falling in love with Him more and more. As of yesterday (perhaps I’m jumping to conclusions too quickly), I’m questioning whether a marriage with just any man will be sufficient for me. Idk.
I have a passion for writing (and drawing) stories. I want to draw manga-styled comics. I know without a doubt that God wants me to use this talent for Him.
Since I want to use the media, I’ve been looking into the Daughters of St. Paul. I like the idea of going to daily Mass and Eucharistic Adoration and having that very God-centered lifestyle. However, I’m not sure the idea of living in a women’s only community and only seeing my family three weeks a year really fits well with me. In fact, as I am quite a tomboy, I feel like I fit in with guys more than girls on many occasions. I have a very close relationship with my brother, and many of my interests are, stereotypically speaking, boyish, which make conversations with guys in many instances easier to initiate or continue. I like video games, rock music, skateboarding, among other hobbies and interests.
There was a time when I was going through, I guess you could call it, a “dark night of the soul”. The kindness of family and friends were like reminders of Christ’s love. Even small acts of love were enough to keep that small flicker in my soul lit.
To make things more complicated, last night when I was in prayer, the thought flashed in my head that I thought I heard Christ telling me He wanted to marry me! I don’t know if that thought was feelings induced of if He was really speaking to me. Whenever I do feel Him speak to me, it’s as if His words hug my heart. They give me a lasting, inner peace. The thought I had last night left me feeling conflicted. I guess I have a fear of making a mistake that I can’t reverse. If I go for the consecrated life, I’m afraid of regretting what I’m giving up: raising children, matrimony and all that comes with it, etc. If I go for marriage, than I’m afraid of disobeying a voice that was actually God’s voice speaking to me and not a figment of my feelings.

Any input? Perhaps any Daughters of Saint Paul out there?

Thanks in advance :slight_smile:

There remains also the possibility that you might live out your vocation as a single woman, perhaps as a tertiary to one of the established orders.

Not always helpful to over-think things especially if the time for decisions hasn’t arrived. Such thoughts as Christ wanting to marry you aren’t necessarily from God but can come from an over-excited mind.

Religious life isn’t perfect and other persons in the community can test one’s patience inordinately just as a husband and children can. There are no perfect husbands or wives, no perfect persons in religious communities, in the sense that all have faults, all are human. I’ve know many religious communities and seen the struggle good religious can have in sharing their lives. There are the overly pious who can take offense at the least thing, along with the more balanced but also truly good religious…this is life and reality, so while we consider our futures we need to know what we will live with is human reality whether in marriage, the single or in the religious life.

The conflict between desire for either vocation can be strong, and it was experienced by St Therese of Lisieux’ parents. Her mother’s desire to be a nun didn’t materialize, but as a mother she is now beatified as Blessed Zelie Martin. It wasn’t necessarily easy, as life seldom is. She lost four children in infancy, and her daughter Leonie was a worry to her. She died of breast cancer when St Therese was four. Perhaps you could ask her to pray for you. And also St Therese’s father who wanted to be a priest but instead was called to marriage and is no beatified.

The basic requirement is to love, love God love others, as Jesus summed up the commandments thus. He also s explained in Matthew 25 verses 31-46, that acts of genuine love is the criteria by which He ultimately judges souls, and regards those acts as done to Himself, therefore whether we are married, single, or religious, the requirement is the same.

I hope you will develop your wonderful talents and be able to use them to best benefit in love of God and of others.
May God continue to bless and embrace you

It’s wonderful that you desire to keep the Lord central to your life

Neither marriage or religious life is something to be decided immediately, so there are no big decisions to made straight away. Since you’re attracted to both, I’d be open to both-in that, you take opportunities that arise and I’d start looking at criteria etc to see if you’re eligible. If there are any ‘Come and See’ retreats or visits for any women religious groups (not just the Sisters of St Paul) go and see what they’re like. If a guy asks you out, go on a date.

I would also speak with a priest to get some advice to deepen your prayer life, etc, so that you can grow in your relationship with the Lord, and can be a better wife or religious in the future. It will also help in being able to discern His will for you.

If you’re called or not called to religious life, it will become clearer: doors will open or be closed, etc.

My prayers are with you. God bles :slight_smile:

Dear sister I can tell you without a donut you heard the Lords Voice however that does not mean you have to obey him. It would be better if you did though, he he say he wants to marry you I am sure he means it remember our God is a jealous God

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