i am questioning myself as i usually do, i am due to meet with my spiritual director next month but as he cant answer every question i have at the drop of a hat i am left seeking outside opinions or suggestions here, which i do not mind as i take it as constructive critisim and nothing more, and if i find something worth bringing up i write it down for later to talk with my S.D. about.
I am contemplating/discerning a religious life, i have recently been research what a priest does and have compared it with the brotherhood or being a deacon, all of which have their own limits, priests cant marry and neither can brothers but deacons can before they become a deacon, where as deacons can not hear confession say mass etc, and some parts of the brotherhood are allowed to participate in certain levels either saying mass or live in a community, so as i may not be able to articulately compare the three i have the basic concept.
and i feel that i could be called to one of these…
the thing is i know myself to a degree at the age of 33,
and i realize i have not had the best relationships with women or experienced a real loving relationship with a woman on a level of dating, though i have had speratic dates here n there after the army and pursued a female in highschool, nothing is really sticking.
so, psychoanalysing myself, i could in theory say hey, i just need to work on myself, and my issues i might have with women, get a degree, and a stable career, move around and get to where the single women are , and i should find a wonderful woma whom i can have a loving beautiful realtionship, that i dont need to let my past experiences of what i have seen with my parents or past relationships i have had deter me or wreck me from having a married life, that i just need to work on things and pursue to have a family of my own some day.
But i look at the one consistancy in my life that has gotten me through so much of my life, and especially the army, which is my faith in Christ and being Catholic.
I have rarely missed mass, if so it was due to immaturaty or just the hardships of living in the army when you are called to field exercises or for some being deployed some where.
but it isnt like i was ever a lapsed Catholic, and i am just wondering if perhaps i should relax a little bit and give some serious consideration that i am being called to some kind of religious life.
I just hope that i will be strong enough to accept if the fact is that i am not, because that would mean i need to reevaluate myself and figure out how to fix what ever issues are limiting me from pursuing finding a wonderful woman ( what i was always hoping would be my soul mate ) which i know some women do not like hearing, but maybe it is dilusional, maybe not.
but i am certain it can not be both, i can not be called to be single for the rest of my life and i can not be denied living a religious life, something has to give, either i am ment to live a married life or i am being called to live a religious life with Christ. or for some a happy middle i guess is being married and a deacon, but i just dont see myself as that, i feel that i have too much to offer, and that i cant just split and limit myself to that vocation. Not that there is anything wrong with being a deacon by any means, maybe i am just realizing that if any vocation out there is not for me, it is being a deacon.
And i just hope that in time my Spiritual Director will see something in me that i dont see or fully understand and either say it is time to pick a vocation and enter into the seminary or something, or that i need to work on rebuilding myself to prepare to live a married life.
i guess i am nervous in this aspect.
do i wait for my S.D suggestion, or at some point do i have to make the decision and say i am certain this is what i want, here are the facts, this is why i am certain that this is the life i am ment to live.