Disowning children


#1

This is tearing me up.

A few years ago I went to visit my parents, who are elderly. I wanted to help them out a little at home. My dad died last year. Anyway, during the visit, my mother told me to “get out of my house” because I asked her if it was okay if I could wash my sweater.

I drove across the country to see them at this time, and this is essentially what happened.

I’m having a terrible struggle trying to forgive her, but it’s difficult to speak to her even on the phone. She’s since told me again, to get out of her house, once again, then later started talking to me about when I’ll next visit her.

I have trouble even holding a phone conversation with her. I have to constantly be on my guard because she’s always looking for a way to get at me.

How do you deal with being disinherited when you’re 58 years old and don’t have much yourself?

I’ve been to confession and spoke with my therapist numerous times about this. I hurt so bad being told to get out of the house just because of the sweater.

Any constructive comments are welcome, especially those made out of love.

I am hurt to the core.

Thanks for listening.


#2

Sounds a little extreme, anything else you neglected to mention that would make sense of her comment / disposition.


#3

That sounds a little odd. Are you sure your mom isn’t starting to show signs of dementia or Alzheimer’s?


#4

My mother is elderly, almost 88, and I refuse to let her drive me around in her car. She gets really angry about that, but I feel unsafe with her at the wheel. I’ve told her many times that I’m not getting in a car she’s driving. She & my dad also told me I wasn’t going to marry this guy, then they rushed me to move to another state right after I graduated from college. 5 years later my mom said of this guy, “Why he was so nice, why didn’t you marry him?”

I can’t talk to her without it ruining my whole day.

Don’t know if it’s dementia, it could be, I guess.

I’m just so tired and still feel so awful since being told to “get out their house”. It hurts to the core and I don’t know anymore how to process this. I have been to confession many times about the sin of unforgiveness, but I’m having trouble getting over this.

I wish God would help me and that I’d be in a state to accept and recognize His help.


#5

So, she is an unsafe driver, forgot about someone you almost married 5 years later, and tried to get you not to marry some guy.

So that ruined your whole day, or everytime you talk your day is ruined? Maybe you need a better coping mechanism or prepare yourself with thicker skin.

Maybe if she’s that old she her faculties are not what they used to be, and you should try to understand that and not treat her like she’s your Mommy from when you were a child.

My parents are in their 80’s too, so I understand that part.


#6

No, the fact that being discouraged to marry the guy is not what ruins my whole day when she calls me.

It’s being abused, by saying to me “to get out of my house” when I came to help, then pretending she never said such a thing.

It’s that I feel so hurt and rejected.

I guess my post is a warning to be careful what you say to others, words can be powerful and have serious consequences. My post is also a request to help me get to a point where I can forgive my mother and rely on God for what I need. It is also a request for support. Do you know how it feels to be disowned? I am very hurt and wish to rise above this and I’m asking for support, not criticism or judgment.


#7

Alzheimers?


#8

Well I’m just offering you what I think would help.

It’s being abused, by saying to me “to get out of my house” when I came to help, then pretending she never said such a thing.

It seems to me that is because she’s 88, which explains a lot, you may not be all there either when you get that old.

I can imagine, yes, but I’ve been somewhat blessed with my parents. Have I been hurt by my parents? Yes, but I forgive and move on, I found it’s not good for me to dwell on it in any way. The past is over with, today is God’s gift.

I am very hurt and wish to rise above this and I’m asking for support, not criticism or judgment.

My words of support: make some goals for yourself regarding your parents, what you will do if they are negative etc. Make some goals about your hurt feelings, some action points that will bring you past all that. Since you believe in the power of words, you will understand the power of writing your goals down and getting your mind off your feelings on onto practical actions you can take to improve your situation.


#9

She’s kinda tough - so just a heads up.
I really do this helps a little -
A big hug out to you from Seagull !


#10

Maybe dementia, maybe not. I’m not a doctor and I can’t diagnose. I’m just tired of being hurt. Father told me in confession that we aren’t to be doormats.


#11

I’m guessing that there is history here and these incidents aren’t the first time she’s said or done things that are hurtful or abusive. Has it ramped up recently or was there are reprieve for a a time? Her age is another layer; people don’t change easily, and you don’t want to be the person who is “mean” to an old lady no matter how cruel she is to you. Can you try to lower your expectations? Are you really disowned or do you feel that way?
I’m sorry if questions aren’t helpful right now. You don’t need to answer.


#12

Telling you to get out of her house after an argument (even a stupid one about a sweater) isn’t really the same as disowning you. I agree with other posters that behavior such as that sounds like dementia. However, if she’s always behaved this way, she may just be a toxic person that you don’t really need to be around.


#13

It probably is.


#14

Continue to speak with your therapist and Priest about this. They know the situation better than we can.


#15

It’s sad, but sometimes you have to face the fact that some family members are toxic and should be cut off for the sake of your sanity. If someone causes you more anguish than pleasure, then cut them off like a gangrenous leg.


#16

I am very sorry, Crenfo. It sounds like an incredibly dysfunctional situation, probably for most of your life.

What’s important here is not diagnosing your mom, because we can’t, but helping you to protect yourself and to forgive.

Your therapist should be helping you put up boundaries between you and your mom so you don’t keep getting hurt. You probably have a lot of conflicted emotions and guilt/anger because of the roller coaster you’ve been on with her.

You’re going to have to change your expectations and put more distance between you. It’s so difficult, but obviously you can’t depend on her being grateful for your help or being supportive of you.

About forgiving…that one is so hard. I’m struggling, too. Forgiveness is letting go of the desire for justice. You have to capture every negative thought and give it back to Jesus…let Him take care of the justice and unfairness.

Pray for her, pray for Jesus’ love and forgiveness to flow through you. Pray for His forgiveness to work through you because you don’t feel it yet.

You might still feel the pain for a long time. Your emotions will betray you. But forgiveness is an act of the will. You can forgive and still be hurting…just keep giving the angry, vengeful, hurtful thoughts to Him and ask the Spirit to fill you with peace and joy in Him instead.

I really recommend praying the Surrender Novena all the way through, every day or multiple times a day.

Praying for you! :pray:


#17

Ditto to what @ShowersofRoses said above.

And praying for you… :hearts:


#18

Have you prayed for your mother?

You have my total sympathy as my mother says similar stuff to me,. It really hurts, but seeing her have just slight mental reductions in other areas allows me to attribute those comments to old age.

I have known families with loved ones who developed Alzheimers, and I assume that this is also true of people who are simply losing some mental ability, they say things that aren’t what their real selves would say. If she had replied something like, I’m not sure, do you really think I should buy a Mercedes? you would know it was a brain glitch, but since this can be seen as something that (kinda) makes sense, naturally you think she meant what she said.

I would let it go, along with the marriage issue. Parents can ruin our lives in one way, but we don’t have to help them and make it worse.


#19

who is 58 years old? OP or the mother ?

that would be the day i’d depend on the previous generation to support me

stand straight, shipmate


#20

That would be my guess.


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