This has happened before but it disturbed the heck out of me last night . . .
Praying a rosary for the souls of those in my family who’ve left us, what with it being All Souls’ Day. An image pops into my head while I’m meditating on the Visitation of a sort of “coquettish” Mary - not doing anything sexual but just sort of coquettish, hard to describe. So I said to myself “Oh I’ve had that happen before, Satan’s up to his old tricks again, St. Michael please come to my aid!” or something like that, but then I started sort of thinking about the “coquettish” Mary in the interest of like . . . examining the image to see wth it was, and this led to me imagining a sexually explicit Mary.
Very disturbing. Very disgusting. And the simple truth is that it wasn’t completely involuntary. Understand that this process happened over a period of literally 5-10 seconds tops, it was very quick, but I did sort of “let that image in.” I wasn’t thinking to myself anything sexual, but more a sort of . . . I guess “curiosity” about the image that Satan put there, because it was so odd to think of Mary that way.
This has happened before but it just really disturbed me this time. Now if I remember my reading right this sort of thing isn’t unheard of at all. And it’s not an OCD type thing, it’ll only happen once in a while. One thing that’s helped is to simply not think about it, though I am kinda terrified that I’ve lost my state of grace by letting that image into my head (even though I wasn’t thinking about it in a sexual way, or at least not voluntarily).
Any advice? Anyone else dealt with this? If I get hit by a bus tomorrow will I go to Hell? Like I said, I know I described this very longwindedly but it happened over a period of like 5 seconds. I “pursued” the “bad Mary” but out of curiosity rather than a desire for sexual gratification, and like I said the image was in my head for a period of like 1-2 seconds before I banished it and went on with my Rosary.