Divorce is not an option...unless


#1

Hi. Id like to share my view on divorce and hear others opinions. I do not mean to offend anyone.

I don{t think divorce is an option. ever. Unless, he beats my children or wont let me raise them as Catholics, or anything harmful to the children. Or if he doesnt want kids.

He could cheat on me, beat me, verbally and emotionally abuse me. I wouldnt divorce. Good times and the bad right? He might repent...

What are your views????


#2

He could cheat on me, beat me, verbally and emotionally abuse me. I wouldnt divorce. Good times and the bad right? He might repent...

And you could legally remarry him. The Church doesn't recognize the ability of a divorce to end the marriage, so if you divorced him legally and he later repented, you could allow him back into the home and have a quick legal proceeding.

The problem is, if someone doesn't see any consequences (i.e. believes that you'd never leave him), then he has no reason to change his actions and repent. Otherwise, he'll continue to beat you and emotionally abuse you, your children will learn that as an acceptable practice, and they'll emotionally and physically abuse their future spouses.

I'm not saying that you divorce a guy the second he loses his temper, but if there's a case of physical or emotional abuse, you shouldn't take it. At least consider a legal separation.


#3

First of all, there is the civil legal process of divorce, and then there is the sentiment that one is not married. According to the Church, these are two different things. This is because pretending that things are other than they are is not what is meant by being faithful in bad times. Fidelity does not demand we live according to a false pretense.

You are not morally allowed to let someone else abuse you with no realistic higher purpose. If he beat you or abused you, for instance, you might still be married, but you might have to recognize he was a serious threat to your well-being and, as this is a near occasion of serious sin for him, a grave threat to his own soul. If this were a permanent state of affairs, then you would be bound to at least seek a civil separation, and sometimes even to pursue criminal charges. This is particularly true if his repentence is most likely if you leave or require him to face justice for his acts before the day he stands before the Throne, and it is too late.

You cannot morally allow him to habitually use you as a source of serious sin, any more than you can stand by and allow him to use someone else that way. Even though you might still be married--if married with knowledge and intention to do right, and this wrong was his choice, and better was not beyond his capability--the Church recognizes that a civil separation or divorce can be a greater good than staying together, even when the marriage is valid. Likewise, if he were to be unfaithful in a way that would be dangerous to your health.

If there were kids, then you are even more bound not to allow him to abuse you or the sanctity of your marriage. To allow him to abuse these would be to allow him to abuse your children. To know your mother is being abused and to have nothing done to protect her, this is an abuse. To be forced to watch this is even worse. To grow up seeing a twisted version of marriage being passed off as the real thing is an abuse. Certainly you would not be teaching your children what the Sacrament of Marriage is...and do not think your life would not speak more loudly than your words. So you could be morally bound to get out of the situation in that case, too. Depending on the situation, you might be ethically bound to seek a divorce in order to force him to support you and them, as justice demands. God requires us to live according to the truth, not according to a lie.

There are cases in which one spouse might tolerate gross injustice or infidelity from the other, in the interest of repentence. This is a great act of charity, and very admirable. There are cases, though, where repentence is not a realistic goal. In that case, protecting yourself and removing yourself as a near occasion of sin for him can be a moral imperative. You might be less virtuous in staying than you would be if you left.


#4

The Catechism says:

Between the baptized, "a ratified and consummated marriage cannot be dissolved by any human power or for any reason other than death."176

2383 The separation of spouses while maintaining the marriage bond can be legitimate in certain cases provided for by canon law.177

If civil divorce remains the only possible way of ensuring certain legal rights, the care of the children, or the protection of inheritance, it can be tolerated and does not constitute a moral offense.

If you're a Christian, once you're married you're married for good no matter what (except death). As Jesus said, if a man divorces his wife and marries another, he commits adultery.


#5

"I'm from Eastern Oregon. I told Bill the day I married him, we don't divorce men over there. We just shoot 'em." Karla Chambers, Stahlbush Island Farms, Corvallis, OR

Which is what my mom used to say: "Divorce, never. Murder...well, maybe".

Once you murder him, though, he's beyond repentence. Hence, the Church's stance.


#6

One thing that should be mandatory (at least from a religious perspective) is a real fire and brimstone pre-marriage counseling meeting with priests or even counselors. Most of these issues (like not having children) should already have been sorted out before marriage through discussion and unromantic talks. In the past, there was a great deal of social tradition and custom that made some elements of marriage a given. For example, relatives and neighbors would have "encouraged" a philandering husband not to get lap dances and get jiggy with strippers. Today, just the opposite is true. Assume nothing.

Yes, it is a sad state of affairs.


#7

[quote="CoffeeHound, post:2, topic:204277"]
And you could legally remarry him. The Church doesn't recognize the ability of a divorce to end the marriage, so if you divorced him legally and he later repented, you could allow him back into the home and have a quick legal proceeding.

The problem is, if someone doesn't see any consequences (i.e. believes that you'd never leave him), then he has no reason to change his actions and repent. Otherwise, he'll continue to beat you and emotionally abuse you, your children will learn that as an acceptable practice, and they'll emotionally and physically abuse their future spouses.

I'm not saying that you divorce a guy the second he loses his temper, but if there's a case of physical or emotional abuse, you shouldn't take it. At least consider a legal separation.

[/quote]

I second this. I had a friend who put up with her husband's physical and emotional abuse for years. You think that didn't screw up their children?

She finally did leave him when he started hitting them, too. But she would have spared them even that one punch--and a lifetime of anger issues and emotional problems--if she had left the first time he hit HER.

I've never understood why women feel they're being selfless martyrs when they stay in an abusive situation "for the children's sake." The best thing you can do for your children is to drop an abusive spouse ASAP. Children learn by example.

Miz


#8

Divorce would be the 3 A's

Abuse

Addiction

Adultery

You hit me....I don't need a reason...he's outta here! Addiction....when our finances start going up your nose....and we don't have any groceries..he's outta here!

And if you cheat on me......good-bye.....you have broken the covenant marriage and I am reposessing it and taking you and your honey for all you're worth. It is legal in NC to sue the "honey"....and if I were Elizabeth Edwards...ms Hunter would be in for a rude awakening....:mad:

A woman who stays with a man who beats her, needs some serious help.


#9

[quote="Julianna, post:8, topic:204277"]
And if you cheat on me......good-bye.....you have broken the covenant marriage and I am reposessing it and taking you and your honey for all you're worth. It is legal in NC to sue the "honey"....and if I were Elizabeth Edwards...ms Hunter would be in for a rude awakening....:mad:

[/quote]

Don't be so judgmental. Remember he said he only cheated on her when her cancer was in remission. That makes it all better.:(


#10

[quote="Miserys_Fence, post:7, topic:204277"]
I've never understood why women feel they're being selfless martyrs when they stay in an abusive situation "for the children's sake." The best thing you can do for your children is to drop an abusive spouse ASAP. Children learn by example.

[/quote]

Because in most cases, abuse doesn't start in full-fledged, very obvious mode. I've likened my situation to being like that proverbial frog in the pot of water on the stove top that someone turned the burner on underneath ... Then, when my husband was arrested for 1st degree rape and middle son made the comment that (while his father was yet in jail) the house was "so much more peaceful" ... well, that was like having the pot moved off the burner and suddenly realizing just how hot the water had gotten. Yes, verbal and emotional abuse had been going on for years, and the children and I are in counseling and I am in the process of getting divorced. (There was, in my case, no physical abuse of me--however, I currently have an order of protection against him because I fear that having lost everything with his arrest that he would tip over into physical because I "wouldn't" bail him out of jail ... never mind the fact that we didn't have the money. However, his victim didn't come to the preliminary hearing so he's unfortunately free at present.)


#11

[quote="Julianna, post:8, topic:204277"]
Divorce would be the 3 A's

Abuse

Addiction

Adultery

You hit me....I don't need a reason...he's outta here! Addiction....when our finances start going up your nose....and we don't have any groceries..he's outta here!

And if you cheat on me......good-bye.....you have broken the covenant marriage and I am reposessing it and taking you and your honey for all you're worth. It is legal in NC to sue the "honey"....and if I were Elizabeth Edwards...ms Hunter would be in for a rude awakening....:mad:

A woman who stays with a man who beats her, needs some serious help.

[/quote]

I totally agree with Juliana here.\
My husband has committed adultery, and therefore he emotionally abuses me severely. I am putting my eggs in a row so I can leave. One day at a time. I have finally gotten to the point where I realize it now. DUH. It has taken me 2 years. I tried. :( Very hard. God only knows. Good advice Juliana.

:thumbsup:


#12

Adrienne, A seperation is an option if you don't want to get a divorce.

Your husband needs ANGER MANAGEMENT COUNSELING. He is taking his angy out on you.

You must feel the need to be punished so you also need counseling. I once met a woman whose husband would beat her up and she would just cry and say she deserved it eventhough she didn't do nothing wrong.

In the State of Calif. if you were my neighbor I would call the cops if I saw your husband beating you up and your kids screaming for help. The cops will come and take him away to jail and you can cry all you want and say it was your fault but they will still take him away to jail to show him that it is against Calif. law to beat up a spouse....male/or female. That law became effective in 1999.

You need to get separated before he kills you by accident. Then your kids will be abused by your husband because you will not be around to be his punching bag.

Abusers don't stop their bad tempers.... unless they get professional help. You also need help because I suspect that you are also abusing your kids verbally and being mean to them.

I was born into an abusive home and my dad would beat up on my Mom and my Mom would take out her anger on us kids. We all left home as teenagers to get away from both of them.
My dad is dead now and I never cry for him. My old Mom still thinks she can verbally abuse us.
I feel sorry for her because she will die being a mean person.


#13

I do not give ANY credit whatsoever to this OP's views, sorry, OP.

You say if you had a h who refused to let you raise your kids Catholic, that this would be one of the reasons for divorce. Clearly you do not know what you are talking about, I am sorry to say.


#14

I agree with you.

My husband is an alcoholic, we have been together since August 1979. And, he cheated on me when I was in cancer treatment. Then he said he left her (she is also alcoholic), we bought a new home, our girls who are in college helped us move. And he deserted me.

I am not divorcing, I am not talking to men, I love my husband and he is lost.

I have no idea what to do other than wait.


#15

[quote="Corinne3, post:13, topic:204277"]
I do not give ANY credit whatsoever to this OP's views, sorry, OP.

You say if you had a h who refused to let you raise your kids Catholic, that this would be one of the reasons for divorce. Clearly you do not know what you are talking about, I am sorry to say.

[/quote]

How so? If a spouse said they'd be open to raising the children in the faith, but did not actually intend to, that is a defect in consent to marriage, and legitimately an impediment.


#16

A parent shouldn't let their kids suffer with violence in the house, it hurts their emotions and it effects their lives so much.


#17

Besides lack of faith, pre marital counseling is critical and the reason so many marriages fail...they just figure everything will work out after getting married... It should be mandantory before you get your marriage license! Ask your priest or friends for a referral to the best therapist they know. Or, check out Divorcebusting.com. where Michele Weiner Davis has an article how to find a good pro marriage therapist (whether you are married or not).


#18

Hon, that's not a good attitude to have.

First, if he beats you, he could turn that to the kids. Also, do you want your kids to grow up thinking that's normal? Do you want your sons to think that they should treat women like that? Do you want your daughters ending up with men who beat them or cheat on them? What if he brought home an STD and you either lost your fertility or a baby to it?

That will not only damage your kids' physical or emotional well-being. If they see their father doing that, and they hear people calling God Father, that is one surefire way to destroy any faith they have in the Almighty. At that point, it would be better to have married someone who didn't want them Catholic.


#19

Thank you all for your input.

But, what about St. Rita of Cascia?

She was physically and emotionally abused, and cheated on.

In the end her patient and forgiving attitude converted her husband.


#20

My dad lived to be 98yrs.old and one day my adult son told him to stop abusing my old mom.
My dad's response was...."I used to be really abusive towards her when we were younger and she always took it." Presenty, I am not that abusive towards her".

So maybe someday your abuse will be lesser from your spouse too when you and your spouse get really old..... if you survive the abuse physically and mentally.

Your kids will grow up and leave you all alone with your abusive husband and you will still suffer silently because I guess you think you will become like a saint. But you will only become an old woman who had a lousy abusive life that lived in a world of being abused.

I hope the light of God comes into your head. All you have to do is pull the string and you will be free from being abused.


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