I’ve been married for 4 years, I am 29, she is 27. We moved to Portland but I had to stay behind at my old job for 90 days to finish a project before I could move to be with her. We saw each other about once a month on weekends. DW was acting suspicious and distant over the past couple of months. Like any couple we were not perfect but I thought we were committed. We went to mass regularly and prayed together. I never suspected this. She met a new group of friends that she did not want to introduce me to them. There were records of phone calls to unknown guys and ladies at odd times of the day and night. Also, found out that she posted on the internet looking for people in lesbian forums. When confronted about it, she got mad and became physical against me. Now haven’t talked for 6 weeks. We now should be together now as I moved to my new job but now we are not. She filed for divorce. She moved out and changed her phone number. I don’t want divorce. Any options besides divorce to save the marriage? I love her. I hate divorce. I want to try to talk it out but i know you cant be in a marriage alone. Please pray…
Check out retrouvaille.org/
a weekend retreat for couples with troubled marriages
Read Good News for Sex and Marriage by Christopher West
Check out the Theology of the Body resources on the web for education on marriage and sexuality theologyofthebody.net/
Educate yourself on what makes a Sacramental Marriage:
read: Annulment: The Wedding that Was, How the Church Can Declare a Marriage Null, by Michael Smith Foster
And pray your guts out.
God be with you. I know your pain. :gopray:
Try and deal with your deep emotional pain soon, with prayer and counseling, counseling from the church. You are human, have mercy on yourself. Sort through your emotion, be fair and honest with yourself about those feelings. Do not try and fill the emptyness you feel with unhealthy things like alcohol. Fill your emptyness with the love of Jesus. What does a priest do without a woman, what does a nun do without a man? They allow themselves to be filled with divine love. You are needing something feminine as a mothers love now, turn to Mary who will lead you to Jesus. You want to be held and cared for, they will care for you. With your needs being cared for you can focus on your wife. Pray for her, she needs your help. When you get help from the church you can get help to formulate a plan, when you share the details with a counselor. Have Faith, Have Hope, Have Love even though you feel betrayed, remember Jesus himself was betrayed.
Do not act on emotion, be pragmatic. Do not share details with someone you can not trust to help you and your wife.
Do not take advice you are not comfortable with. You have to go to work tommorow, pray for strength. Keep searching, keep praying , keep working, keep trying, with compassion for yourself and for your wife. As Jesus has love for you.
I’m so sorry - I’ll keep you in my prayers.
Thank you for the insight. I have talked to a couple of priests. Both have said i need to let go, get divorced and seek an annulment because acting/being lesbian or bisexual in a marriage is disordered. Her not wanting to talk means she does not want to put our marriage back together either. It is not a condition that can exist within marriage. That advice doesn’t lessen the pain. Not being allowed to get ahold of her does not leave me many options either. Is there any hope? Is divorce always immoral?
Hi, I know how much it hurts, and that it is totally normal to feel that way. Not that it makes you feel better to hear that. Don’t worry about the morality of this… Your spouse left you, you didn’t leave her. You are not the one who walked away, so you are not guilty of anything, least of all breaking your vows. It took me a long time to get this into my head too, because I thought I was guilty of something, even though my ex-spouse was the one who left.
Are there any support groups for separated and divorcing people in your parish? There is one in my parish, and having that kind of support helped tremendously when I was going through what you are going through.
Pray and rely on God to help you through this. Believe me, it really helps!
A soul without faith, hope and love is dead. There is always hope, hope for God’s will to be done. His will is all things good, not the disorder in your life or your wife’s life, or anyone’s life. There is no hope for our own will to be done. We are all only approaching God, it is through these trials that we can be polished and perfected in His image and likeness if we allow him to do the polishing.
Marriage is indissoluble, but your wife has a free will, independent of your free will. She has the free will to choose divorce and you have the free will to choose marriage. Doesn’t work does it. If she is unwilling to regroup and return to the marriage you are not liable for her poor judgement she has made through her own free will. Keep on track, though, you are completely and solely responsible for your actions and choice made through your free will. Steer away from temptations and again, pray for strength.
Being bisexual in marriage is disordered? I’m bisexual (female), my DH knew before we were married and did not have a problem with it. He is the only person I have ever been sexual active with, outside of kissing, and we waited until we were married to have sex. I’m still attracted to women, but would never act on it, any more than I would act on an attraction to a man - my husband is the only person I desire to be with. Why would the church view my marriage as disordered? I’m not doing or thinking anything against their teachings
The OP’s wife is apparently looking for bisexual relationships, that is disordered, just as adultry in marriage is disordered. If you are not acting on it and living a faithfull married life then it is not disordered.
Nobody should ever be defined by their disorders.
No one should be defined by what they share with a priest in the confessional.
Read Good News for Sex and Marriage by Christopher West; you’ll see why.
Divorce is not always immoral. In your case, you are not seeking it, and you did absolutely nothing wrong. It is often very hard to not feel like we could have done something more or differently, when faced with someone who wants a divorce. I suspect your wife is acting out some type of behavior due to something that she has repressed in her childhood, or in her past. Largely, when people change so drastically, it’s really that they had some repressed feelings about past events in their lives, and this is how they choose to act it out. I think that if she asks for a divorce, and refuses to commit to counseling or coming back into the marriage, then you can of course refuse to divorce her, or you can divorce, and seek an annulment, and move on with your own life. God doesn’t expect us to chase people who do not want to be a part of our lives…He of course would love for us to stay married, but it takes two, and if your wife is refusing you, then you can only move on. I will keep you in my prayers. I pray for your wife, too.
Your marriage is not disordered. The OP’s wife’s behavior, using what appears to be some sort of sexual addiction with anybody who breathes to the point where she can’t commit to the vows she made, is disordered. Your DH knew before he married you, as well, about your situation. This poor fella appears not to have been given a clue. So, it’s not about you, you’re doing splendidly!
She’s hurt you. You have enough evidence to go to a lawyer and get a divorce that’s very favorable to you, even in Oregon (if you’re talking Maine, well we need to look at that). You need to stuff your pain down temporarily, go get a good lawyer, and see that your needs are met. Then, you can “deal with it”. I certainly hope if she became physical with you, that you had witnesses or you made a police report. Abuse on a man is just as bad as abuse on a woman- and women are dirty fighters from what I’ve seen. You don’t say if you have children, but if you do, they don’t need to be around Mommy’s lifestyle, even in Oregon.
You can’t be in a marriage alone. You’re right. That doesn’t make it hurt any less.
The Archdiocese of Portland has a lot of good stuff on their web site:
I hope those help.
What has been the reaction from your wife’s family?
They have only tolerated our relationship and have been known to subvert it in the past. After this, they support her and have cut off communication with my family.
Gambino, hate to say it, but it sounds like your priest is right. There comes a time when you have to realize that despite all of your best efforts and intentions, if the person that you are married to has no desire to be in a marriage…there really isn’t anything else you can do. I’ve been there. It’s difficult but necessary to make that realization.
Your wife seems not to want the marriage to continue. In such a setting, the priests you consulted are correct. You need to get the divorce and file for the annulment. Be prepared that she will not cooperate fully with the process and you will likely not get the annulment, at least on the first attempt.
It would be helpful to consult a canon lawyer before beginning the annulment process. You wouldn’t go into divorce court without a lawyer. Your parish priest may be able to advise you on a canonist.
PS You would also do well to get into therapy to help you over the grief of the end of your marriage. There is always a sense of loss and anger that needs to be addressed. Professional help can be invaluable.
Her cooperation isn’t required for a annulment but right now he needs to focus on the here and now, which would be some sort of a legal separation or a divorce. Working on an annulment comes later. Mosts priests won’t seriously discuss it with you until your divorce is final. There is no reason that he should be expecting that he won’t get an annulment on the first attempt, but, again, that is something he can consider later.
Couseling is ongoing for me. Just don’t know how to let her go yet. It felt like a valid holy marriage on my end, wasn’t rushed into either but she must’ve felt differently or did not really have the capacity to understand the vows. Of course I would like an annulment eventually but I want her back more. Should I be preparing anything for an annulment yet? Saving old letters and e-mails, ect? Anyone else had a similar situation and got an annulment?