Divorcée

I got my Final Decree of Divorce today. I’m nauseous and embarrassed. My wanna lay in the fetal position and kinda be there for an extended period of time. Oh, Lord.

You’ll be okay. You are okay. It just hurts like hell right now.

This is when you put on your comfiest yoga pants, call your best girlfriend, and tell her to come over and bring wine, sushi (or pizza, or your dinner of choice), and chocolate with her. Lots of wine. Lots of chocolate.

Alternately, draw a warm bath, drink a large glass of wine or take a mild sleeping aid (ONE OR THE OTHER, NOT BOTH!), put on some comfy PJs, and give yourself permission to sleep as long as you can. Then do it. Preferably with the AC turned down low, and under a giant pile of blankets.

Point being, be extremely gentle with yourself right now.

There is NO reason for you to be embarrassed by your husband’s refusal to, well, act like a husband. Hold your head high. You’re a classy lady, and he clearly didn’t deserve you.

Check back in and let us know you’re okay. (((hugs)))

I totally agree with this. Hang in there. Soon, you will turn the corner and be feeling like you again.

A lot of people on these forums care about you and love you, Kendra!

My phone dinged that I had an email while I was going into work. So currently I’m waiting on which patients I have. Always something. Can’t get a break.

:frowning: :frowning:

Kendra, you’ve impressed us all with your resilience and pragmatism but also don’t hesitate to talk to a counsellor or mentor about things. They say that divorce is one of the worst things that can happen to a person in life. I sincerely pray that you find peace and true love sometime soon. :gopray2:

Thank you. It is absolutely insane to me how well I have done through this. Started in February; since then I have went through CNA training, got a job, CNA state exam is coming up, planning on finishing my degree starting in the fall. I was properly diagnosed with ADHD, not bipolar disorder. I’m being invited to Junior League events, hoping they may want me to become a member. Getting back into doing work with my soroity.
It’s like, part of me thinks this was needed and the other part is so heartbroken that my marriage failed. Part of me feels like a statistic “another interracial military marriage failed” and not having an explanation STILL is upsetting. I may feel better if I knew why. And it could be any reason from “you got fat” (because I did. It was awful when people call you asking about your weight) to “I fell in love with a stripper in Italy” it doesn’t matter now, but I think it would help me.
Maybe this was for the best. I did pray and pray for this marriage and it looks like I was told, “No.” So, maybe better things are around the corner for me.

As we say in the UK - chin up, Kendra! This is the start of the rest of your life. God bless you. I hope good things come your way in bucket-loads. :slight_smile:

May the Lord bless you and be with you in a special way!

That is how I felt and wanted to react when it happened to me,
It’s like someone reached into your Chest and brutally ripped your Heart out and Stomped on it
, thank God things do get better, first need time to come to terms with this Grief,
Trust me, it does pass, soon you will feel like someone had taken a big sack of concrete off your back , you will feel like it’s the first time in a long time that you can stand straight,
You are among friends, you are not alone

Honey, let me tell you this. If my husband treated me the way you described for any reason barring abuse or infidelity on my part, well, never mind me–his parents would be jumping his butt for doing so. Your husband’s behavior, and his parents’ in backing it up, was totally unacceptable. They probably raised him to think that was okay. An answer would be healing in a way, but it may not be coming, sadly enough, or won’t be for some time.

As for people calling to ask about your weight…what the &#*$^??? Who does that? I have half a mind to give you my phone number and have you forward those calls to it. I’ll take care of them, and they wouldn’t be a problem for you in the future. :smiley: :nunchuk:

Getting involved with things with your sorority and other organizations is the best thing for you right now. They’ll help you get out of yourself a bit, which is just what any sensible doctor would order. I heartily second, by the by, the suggestion that you consider talking to a counselor about this at some point; a good counselor won’t hurt, and may well help quite a lot.

You’ll do very well in the CNA exam; of that I have no doubt. And best of luck with the rest of your schooling! You sound like a rising star, and we on the forums are all very proud of you, both for how you’ve conducted yourself through this and for what you’re doing to help yourself now.

Hi Kendra,
I will say a prayer for you, asking the Holy Spirit to give you consolation.

Sometimes things like this don’t really hit us until they are final or official. This is when the true healing process begins.

Hopefully you will not have to work this weekend and can pamper yourself, take this weekend to relax and let yourself grieve if you need to.

May I also suggest starting the annulment process soon. I’ve been told by many that the process really helps deal with the pain caused by divorce.

Finally, I only know you from the Internet, but I find you to be intelligent, thoughtful, and caring (even when we have different points of view or opinions). Any man would be lucky to have you as his partner in Christ. This is truly his loss.

May The Lord bring you consolation and peace. Amen.

:grouphug:

Praying for you. Don’t dwell on the past, go forward. You deserve the best. Remember, God loves you. You are not responsible for the irresponsibility or inadequacies of others.
Love & prayers.:console:

Oh Kendra…you are so loved.
By all of us. :heart:

You’ll be fine, you’ll do great. But I know that doesn’t help TODAY.
But tomorrow, and every day forward, you’ll be better each time. One day even, when you find out that this has happened to yet another woman…you’ll be glad you survived it and got out when you did.

Life can only get better.
Kisses!
Clare

:console:

from “Hand of Oberon”, Roger Zelazny

“It did not matter. Brand might have been borderline psychotic, whatever that means, and then again maybe not. There is always a reason. Whenever anything has been mucked up, whenever anything outrageous happens, there is a reason for it. You still have a mucked-up, outrageous situation on your hands, however, and explaining it does not alleviate it one bit. If someone does something really rotten, there is a reason for it. Learn it, if you care, and you learn why he is a son of a *****. The fact is, the thing remains though. Brand had acted. It changed nothing to run a posthumous psychoanalysis. Acts and their consequences are the things by which our fellows judge us. Anything else, and all that you get is a cheap feeling of moral superiority by thinking how you would have done something nicer if it had been you. So as for the rest, leave it to heaven. I’m not qualified.”

You can easily drive yourself nuts with wondering, trying to figure the other person out. Funny thing for a therapist to tell me-- this isn’t about you at all, this is about her. Really?? but it was my marriage and everything invested in it crumbling, my life. But you can only control yourself not the other person, no matter what is driving them you need to deal with the mess it causes whether you understand their reasons/motivations or not.

Praying for you. Hard part is truly letting go, releasing all claim on the other person and all the things they should have lived up to.

The annulment process was a huge help to me in truly letting go, releasing all claim, all expectation and making peace with things. It was a concrete step I could take in making that mental and emotional break. I gave it a year after the divorce before filing a petition. It was a very good way of looking at my own part in the marriage, my own shortcomings both in the marriage and in the original decision to get married. Reading all the testimony from the witnesses, how they had seen things from their perspective at the outset gave me some insight into myself. Reading the judgment was the same-- viewing things and considering the opinions of neutral folks from their perspective. You may not be ready to file a petition now, may not think you have grounds. But I would recommend the annulment process (particularly reading all the testimony) if you’re confused, wondering, in search of a way to mentally close the last chapter on your marriage and let go.

Thanks for the prayers. They are definitely what’s getting me through this. I see the psychologist regularly, so I get my couseling in.

About the weight…
I’ve ALWAYS been active. From the time I could sign up for it I was a cheerleader and played softball and I played intramurals for my sorority. I’m 5’0…I got up to 185 lbs. Something definitely wasn’t right. I came home for the deployment 13 months ago and I am down 50 lbs. Close friends we’re worried about me.

Kendra, you will be ok. It just takes time. No one thinks they are going to get a divorce when they marry. It comes as a surprise to many of us. Just be good to yourself.

Right.

Hold your head high. You know you were not the one who walked away from your promises.

love you muchly.

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