Do I confront my wife?


#1

My wife and I have started to have some issue's, and most of it come down to her being controlling and insulting to me.

We do not have any children and have been married for three years.

I am not going to get into any all the details(I will hope to give to much of a sad story as it is). I have started to talk to a catholic counselor and I have been happy to with them so far in our few sessions. They have given me some great suggestions but I have emailed them before my session next week letting them I can not handle all these issues on my own, and we are going to find a way to get my wife more involved after my next session.

Although hesitate the counselor at my last session let me know there are some personalty disorder triats in my wife, without even talking with my wife because there is now way I could be making my stories up.

Some of the issue's that have are family issues...

I picked up a piece of paper tonight by mistake she is not home, and found this crazy letter she is writing to my mother. There are horrible, insulting, rambling comments in this letter about every member of my family(especially my mom). I just happend accross this letter when I was looking for something else. (My wife also has a broken relationship with her own parents and brother). We only see our parents maybe 6-10 times a year, and they live less than a hour away. I try to talk to my parents 2-3 times month, but have to do so in hiding because I will be told why did I have to talk them. She talks to her family even less. (My family was finaly permited to our house after 15 months of moving in this past weekend, I think this somehow prompted the letter, she invited my family)

Here is my question, I am fearful this letter will get sent before I can contact this letter before I can contact the consoler.

Do I chance her sending this letter before I meet with the consoler for assistance?
Do I confront my wife about this?
Do I tell my wife she can not a letter like this?

Blessings


#2

Praying for you.

I am NO councelor, just happily married. I have a difficult mother-in-law. I can’t REMOTELY imagine writing a nasty letter to her. It is my husband’s job to correct her behavior if necessary.

Sneaking behind your wife to see your parents sounds so sad to me. Being worried about talking to her about a letter you came across sounds like you do need PROFESSIONAL help, friend.

Come on. What are a bunch of mooks on-line gonna tell you that you don’t already know?

How about this: look to the virtues. Be virtuous in all regards and you will find that life becomes more full and complete. Print out the list of virtues and post it someplace visible.

Pray together.
Pray more yourself.

Read scripture.
Do not be afraid to be a man, and being a man means helping your wife out also. Maybe if you had confronted your mother to begin with your wife wouldn’t feel the need to go to her directly? Hmm?

You do realize youve painted your beloved as a psycho. Right?

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seven_virtues
vatican.va/archive/ccc_css/archive/catechism/p3s1c1a7.htm
aquinasandmore.com/catholic-articles/The-Seven-Capital-Virtues/article/247
And my personal new favorite:
fisheaters.com/lists.html


#3

The behaviors your wife present are so disordered as you present them that I wonder if she was even capable of entering into a validly sacramental marriage?


#4

My heart goes out to you , immediately confront her on this . Its always right to get everything out on the table today as soon as she gets home . Ask this question like:Are you happy with the way this marriage is going? see what her answer is . Let her know your concerned about this relationship . Ask her if she in fact loves you anymore . Ask how can both resolve your problems.You have to wonder if an annulment is in order .


#5

Thanks for the responses....

@Carol,, I agree no online folks is going to tell me what I don't know already, I am just lost and confused, lonely and dispirit.... the demands in the letter is crazy, I am aware people have in-law issues, I will provide few examples of the letter 2 years ago my wife was helping my mom with something online, she caught part of my moms email password. the password is connected to one sibling, she is demanding my mom change the password because it is unfair to my wife. My wife counted the photos in the my and her parents house and she is out number by one... and the placement of a second ones is better than one of hers... (sorry for the good phyc book but I am not going to give more examples)

@the others,I am afraid I may not have a valid marriage, but I am not ready to research that yet,

A divorce\annulment should never be a option, I am willing to do almost anything to make more marriage work,

I do love my wife,

Sorry I know these boards are not for people just to give sad stories but I don't know where to turn to talk, I just is hopping the counselor will help me....


#6

Praying for you, Mike.


#7

Sorry but I have to say that this is not very helpful to the poster that is looking for help and suggestions about the current situation that he has found himself in. I did not see that he mentioned a desire to leave his wife before you post and after it he express that he has not interest in leaving her.

But, you have been able to assess that based on his post that she is “so disordered” that their marriage may not be a sacramental one. Amazing! My mother always said (and many times we need to remember this) “If you don’t have something nice to say, then keep it to yourself.”

Mike,

My prayers are with you, my brother. You sound like a good man and the person that is able to handle this situation. I am sorry that I have no specific advice for you aside from continue what you are doing and pray that your wife will get help that she will need.


#8

Prayers for both of you. Is this new behavior on your wife's part? If her behavior is disordered (and it sounds like it), and it is relatively new, she could have a physical reason for her behavior. If it was evident early on in your relationship, she could have a mental illness she needs treatment for.

It makes me sad that when mental illness is suspected, people begin to talk about whether or not the marriage is valid. Certainly if she has a brain tumor or cancer, no one would be encouraging you to see if you could annul the marriage.

I am glad you're not looking to annul, and I pray that you can find strength for yourself, and her. it sounds as if she is ill, and needs your help.

God bless both of you. natlshrinestdymphna.org/

St. Dymphna is the patron saint for those suffering from mental illness. I'll offer up some prayers to her for your wife.


#9

Am I mistaken, but did not our good Lord call the pharisee's "white washed tombs full of dead men's bones" and "hypocrites" to their faces? That doesn't sound very kind.

 The truth said in love IS kindness.

 While he says he does not want an annulment or divorce, he still needs to determine if his wife is not suffering from severe mental illness.  If she is then she needs help.  At the very least, this couple needs to be engaged with a priest and the full services the Church provides.  Determining if this is even a valid sacramental marriage in the eyes of God should be a part of this process especially before children enter into the picture.  As the gentleman says, there are even more instances of his wife's instability than he is willing to post.

#10

Definitely no babies with this one. Yes, confront wife. And Grow pair? Is how that is said? Patience please Terrible english language. :o


#11

No that is not how it is said. That is very rude. I will say it again - 8upmunchkin, I think your command of the English language is better than you let on.

If you are genuine, my apologies, but if you are not, stop now.


#12

[quote="mike1976, post:1, topic:242746"]
My wife and I have started to have some issue's, and most of it come down to her being controlling and insulting to me.

We do not have any children and have been married for three years.

I am not going to get into any all the details(I will hope to give to much of a sad story as it is). I have started to talk to a catholic counselor and I have been happy to with them so far in our few sessions. They have given me some great suggestions but I have emailed them before my session next week letting them I can not handle all these issues on my own, and we are going to find a way to get my wife more involved after my next session.

Although hesitate the counselor at my last session let me know there are some personalty disorder triats in my wife, without even talking with my wife because there is now way I could be making my stories up.

Some of the issue's that have are family issues...

I picked up a piece of paper tonight by mistake she is not home, and found this crazy letter she is writing to my mother. There are horrible, insulting, rambling comments in this letter about every member of my family(especially my mom). I just happend accross this letter when I was looking for something else. (My wife also has a broken relationship with her own parents and brother). We only see our parents maybe 6-10 times a year, and they live less than a hour away. I try to talk to my parents 2-3 times month, but have to do so in hiding because I will be told why did I have to talk them. She talks to her family even less. (My family was finaly permited to our house after 15 months of moving in this past weekend, I think this somehow prompted the letter, she invited my family)

Here is my question, I am fearful this letter will get sent before I can contact this letter before I can contact the consoler.

Do I chance her sending this letter before I meet with the consoler for assistance?
Do I confront my wife about this?
Do I tell my wife she can not a letter like this?

Blessings

[/quote]

Hi Mike, I am sorry that you are going through such a difficult time. You are caught between a rock and a hard place - when it comes to the letter - because if you tell your wife you have seen it, she is sure to be angry. But if you don't, she may send it and then she will have caused even more disruption for your parents. Do they know what sort of person you married? Perhaps you can warn them by giving them a call, and telling them, "Hey, if you get any communication from Wife please check with me to see if I even know about it."

If she is isolating you from your family, she is at least controlling and you are too fearful of her. It is good that you are in counseling and I pray that she will also enter the counseling with you, but even if she doesn't, you can get help for your side of things. She should not be the one in control of whether your parents can come to visit or not. This is not healthy for the marriage. I think you might be afraid of her and you should never be in that position with your wife!

I will add you to my prayers. If you can check with your counselor before talking to your wife, please do so. I would have to talk to my husband if I saw something like that, or anything else he was trying to do behind my back.

God bless, and please ignore the people who are already jumping ahead to divorce and annulment.


#13

[quote="mike1976, post:1, topic:242746"]
My wife and I have started to have some issue's, and most of it come down to her being controlling and insulting to me.

We do not have any children and have been married for three years.

I am not going to get into any all the details(I will hope to give to much of a sad story as it is). I have started to talk to a catholic counselor and I have been happy to with them so far in our few sessions. They have given me some great suggestions but I have emailed them before my session next week letting them I can not handle all these issues on my own, and we are going to find a way to get my wife more involved after my next session.

Although hesitate the counselor at my last session let me know there are some personalty disorder triats in my wife, without even talking with my wife because there is now way I could be making my stories up.

Some of the issue's that have are family issues...

I picked up a piece of paper tonight by mistake she is not home, and found this crazy letter she is writing to my mother. There are horrible, insulting, rambling comments in this letter about every member of my family(especially my mom). I just happend accross this letter when I was looking for something else. (My wife also has a broken relationship with her own parents and brother). We only see our parents maybe 6-10 times a year, and they live less than a hour away. I try to talk to my parents 2-3 times month, but have to do so in hiding because I will be told why did I have to talk them. She talks to her family even less. (My family was finaly permited to our house after 15 months of moving in this past weekend, I think this somehow prompted the letter, she invited my family)

Here is my question, I am fearful this letter will get sent before I can contact this letter before I can contact the consoler.

Do I chance her sending this letter before I meet with the consoler for assistance?
Do I confront my wife about this?
Do I tell my wife she can not a letter like this?

Blessings

[/quote]

Hi Mike,

Are you able to discuss the letter with your wife? If not and the letter is sent. I would call the family and let them know that she is having some issues. This way, hopefully they will understand.

Your wife's condition may be medical. Mood Disorder, Bipolar, etc. There are some very good medications that can help. She should see an Internist,MD.


#14

[quote="admonsta, post:11, topic:242746"]
No that is not how it is said. That is very rude. I will say it again - 8upmunchkin, I think your command of the English language is better than you let on.

If you are genuine, my apologies, but if you are not, stop now.

[/quote]

Apologies I offer. :( Why man so wimpy though? I no take this from woman. Women respect man standing ground. Firmly, lovingly.


#15

Lets be a little more polite about this , the man came to the forum for suggestions not mockery .


#16

[quote="Defender1, post:15, topic:242746"]
Lets be a little more polite about this , the man came to the forum for suggestions not mockery .

[/quote]

My belief is that this poster is the kind that lives under bridges. The grammar is patently obviously NOT of someone with English challenges. And yes, I have credentials in linguistics.

:)


#17

Thanks most of you for you words, insight and prayers.... Sorry for bad crammer, although I am educated grammar is one of my weakest points. I can write but it takes me a long time, and for post like this it will never get done.

Even if you have known someone in a abusive relationship, you do not know the feelings the person being abused is dealing with.

8upmunchkin, if I was wimpy I would have taken the easy rode and walked away a long time ago...

I am sure my parents know there issues. I know I have a stronger faith than them and do not want to have to defend my marriage.

One of the first posts mentioned the word annulment, someone believed a poster point it in my head. I have been marriage for three years and controlling issues and insults have started shortly have we were married have been got continuing worse. I do believe (and maybe hope) there is a medical issue because that means there may be a treatment? If these issue are soley just her I am affied, I will have no choice.

I thought we did things correct, we waited until after we were married to have sex, I have been told in the past years several times she wishes we had sex before we were married(jealose of family have friends that did). I was told a several times if she saw me naked before we got married she may have changed he mined, I think because I weight maybe couple extra pounds, I weight 175 and am about 5'6".


#18

Mike, at the very least you are dealing with a spouse who is saying and doing extremely unkind and unloving things. Please do all you can to get the help you need. Have you asked her to come to counseling with you? What about her unkind comments, do you call her on them?


#19

[quote="George_Marchand, post:3, topic:242746"]
The behaviors your wife present are so disordered as you present them that I wonder if she was even capable of entering into a validly sacramental marriage?

[/quote]

Are you professionally qualified to make such a judgment? I don't think anyone qualified to make such an assessment would do so without meeting with the wife. These kinds of suppositions are best left unsaid.


#20

[quote="mike1976, post:17, topic:242746"]
Thanks most of you for you words, insight and prayers.... Sorry for bad crammer, although I am educated grammar is one of my weakest points. I can write but it takes me a long time, and for post like this it will never get done.

Even if you have known someone in a abusive relationship, you do not know the feelings the person being abused is dealing with.

8upmunchkin, if I was wimpy I would have taken the easy rode and walked away a long time ago...

I am sure my parents know there issues. I know I have a stronger faith than them and do not want to have to defend my marriage.

One of the first posts mentioned the word annulment, someone believed a poster point it in my head. I have been marriage for three years and controlling issues and insults have started shortly have we were married have been got continuing worse. I do believe (and maybe hope) there is a medical issue because that means there may be a treatment? If these issue are soley just her I am affied, I will have no choice.

I thought we did things correct, we waited until after we were married to have sex, I have been told in the past years several times she wishes we had sex before we were married(jealose of family have friends that did). I was told a several times if she saw me naked before we got married she may have changed he mined, I think because I weight maybe couple extra pounds, I weight 175 and am about 5'6".

[/quote]

Mike,

Even if her issues are medical. She will also need professional counciling. For the control issues. Meds can only do so much.

I have PD (panic disorder) without any other problems. Such as Personality disorder, Bipolar, and etc. My condition is strictly medical. I went on medication and I haven't had a serious panic attack in over ten years. My disorder is caused by not having enough of a certain chemical, naturally produced by the brain. I was born with it. Since, I don't have any other under lying problems. Most people with PD don't. I never had to go to therapy.


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