I’m sorry to write a novel here, but I’m pouring my heart out on this one.
Not sure where to begin here. When I was a kid, I was diagnosed with a series or neurological disorders, and given all kinds of medications for them. The effects of these ranged from making me super-hyper, to knocking me out completely. When I reached junior high, we found the right combo of meds to “balance me out.” Needless to say, when you’re the kid with a messed up brain, you get bullied, which is probably why when I reached my junior year of high school, I decided to join the military and as a result discontinued all use of these meds (this was 2005, they didn’t care who they let in back then, even if they were able to find medical records.) By that time I was able to live what most people would consider a normal life, and have had a successful military career, earned a bachelor’s degree, and am doing the corporate thing and working hard to achieve new things every day, but…
All of that is only what appears on the surface. Ever since I became an adult, I’ve always had something I’ve depended on to get me through life. It started with excessive drinking, and chain smoking. Then I became addicted to the physical aspects of the relationships I was in, then I went back to drinking a lot, then it was chewing tobacco with a combination excessive (REALLY excessive) caffiene and alcohol. Throughout the course of this I experimented with harder drugs too. About six months ago I got to a point where I was drinking by myself every night to relieve my job stress, then the next morning I would chug coffee until I was awake, put some Visine in my eyes, and make it look like nothing had happened the previous night.
Recently I started smoking marijuana every night, and since then I’ve been able to control my drinking (which is definitely a necessity around other people.) After all of this I actually feel like marijuana helps me in pretty much every aspect of my life. I don’t sweat the small stuff anymore, I don’t need other substances, and I am now living as close to normal of a life as has ever been possible for me. I feel human for once.
Now you have a significant part of my story, I also desire deeply to live life as a Catholic. I have never been able to dismiss Catholicism from being the ultimate truth. This is what I want, but in the past when I’ve tried, Catholicism became something of an addiction, then I went back to drinking excessively. Being Catholic, and living it, is impossible for me, I will always slip up. I can’t just go to Confession every week and keep confessing the same things. The point of repenting is that you’re sorry for your sins, and you don’t intend to commit them again. I am definitely sorry for the things that I do, but am not so sure I am able to not commit them again. It’s like if I try, I’ll just fail again. That would be an abuse of the Sacrements. A part of me feels like I can control my use of substances, and a part of me feels like I can’t.