I recently went to confession for a sin I committed many years ago. The sin was in college, I fooled around with another female and feel deep shame, regret and guilt. In confession the priest state that my past sins were between me and god. I have this deep shame and guilt that in order to be fully open with my boy friend I need to share with him this dirty, shameful, and terrible part of my life. I am worried that he will not want to be with me any longer and I am not worthy of being in a relationship with him. He does not have a perfect history either, but I worry that I am worse and am not being completely open and honest with him regarding this part of my life.
It is between you 2 and if you want to be 100% honest about this past that is you if you don’t that is you. Your boyfriend the same. To me if this man is your potential husband there should be no secrets but again between you 2.
Those things that are in the past, are repented from, and confessed in reconciliation are done. There is no need to share them. Consider and pray over the reasons you might want to share them, and effect that would have.
As your priest said, this is between you and God.
The shame you’re feeling seems inordinate unless there is more to the story.
I’d be inclined to tell him. If the woman you fooled around with or someone who knows what happened comes back into your life he may find out from someone else.
Also I’m inclined to think that you’re better off without a man who can’t accept your history. Easy to say when I’m not in love with him though.
Not more to the story, I’ve always had an extreme sense of shame around this and have felt less than worthy of him.
I note that the Church does not require you to share this with your boyfriend or anyone.
Having said that, I agree with Cajun and Elf that it’s better not to have secrets in a relationship, and also it’s best to be with a person who accepts your past. You are also better off knowing how a man will react to this before you marry him. If he keeps guilting you over it, or his feelings towards you change over it, then you don’t want to be spending your life with him. A good man will let it go and even encourage you to let it go, since you’ve confessed and won’t be doing it again.
This raises some concerns.
Keep silent. Trust me on this one.
I remember a gal telling me - ‘don’t ask me about my past’.
I agreed. We agreed.
There were a few times - when I wanted to ask her - about something -
but never did -
If she shared something in the past - I could either cut her off - or listen -
She was super cool - should of married her !
A sin stains us, it can cause us to be unhappy when we should be feeling joy, why would we confess if we insist on allowing our sins to spoil our spirit. The damage of the sin was done to you, a fresh start after confession, a fresh start with a new close relationship.
I’d stop the stain from spreading and accept you have been forgiven through the Sacrament of confession by our loving and merciful God.
I agree this is very worrisome. You need to make sure you marry a guy who does his best to nip this feeling of yours in the bud.
One thing I know is that a man is not capable of forgetting such a thing, that is why we confess to a priest and through him we gain forgiveness. If we choose to hang on to our sin when we have been forgiven we give it power it should no longer have surely. But if we wish to retain feelings of guilt then it can lead us to feel humility and serve us in that way.
I honestly think that we should focus on gaining approval from God, a man may give us ephemeral happiness in a worldly way but God can grant us eternal life if we meet with His approval. That is my opinion.
The sin is forgiven, the shame you feel is related to another item that could cause you to sin in another way, pray and ask for God to reveal it to you before it reveals itself.
If our bodies are biological constructs meant to serve the Holy Spirit which is in us and the Holy Spirit belongs to God what am I but an ephemeral custodian? Where then is the need to compare ourselves to others except to Jesus for the purposes of improvement? I am an illusion am I not?
All the answers in this thread thus far are only PARTIAL.
A complete answer would go along these lines: A past sin is between you and God as the priest well said, since your eternal guilt has been forgiven but temporal reparation may still be left to atone for.
The main concern at this point is both your and your bf’s suffering - that the past may be brought into the present. That is what needs to be addressed - here is where the answers in the thread seem partial.
What you and your BF are proposing&prospecting yourselves to is engagement, marriage and constituting a family. Your entire relationship should be conducted with the end goal in mind and an eye on the prize of eternal beatitude in heaven.
Trust is built on truth.
In the present you are addressing the issue of truthfulness and honesty while building a relationship. The keyword “while” places your relationship as an ongoing process.
In the present, you need to guarantee to your BF that the past won’t come back to endanger your relationship. Another keyword: WILL. That your will is to be with him and to work on your relationship and thus anything in the past is secondary and unimportant to your present construction.
Afterwards, “sins of the past” can indeed contribute to strengthen your trust, to increase the love between you. Exactly in the measure of your will: that you state your will not to commit those sins again or evermore, that they served only for your repentance and greater value you attribute to your present love, to repent. [And this is a direct consequence of "“go forth and sin no more” John 8:11.]
Again, an exaggerated honesty can ruin your relationship while it is about to flourish - and that is not wise. In the meanwhile, know that those “dead zones” in both your personal histories go against trust and should be addressed somewhere down the road when conditions and the relationship itself so permit.
[The above draws mostly from “Love and responsibility” by Karol Wojtyla.]
No, you do not need to share this with anyone. People do crazy things when they are young. It doesn’t define who you are. and it isn’t anyone else’s business.
If you actually have ongoing sexual attraction to both sexes, you probably need to discuss it with a future husband, even if you choose only to act on your opposite sex attraction.
You need counseling to overcome the guilt and shame (not the same thing) associated with this incident. You need to come to terms with it.
What do you think would have to happen for you to not feel this way?
I’m sure all of us have done some crazy things in our youth that we regret. I agree with your priest that it’s between you and God. Plus, conveying that kind of message to your boyfriend might conjure up impure thoughts in his mind and cause him to sin. Guys are wired different than you ladies. Jesus is all merciful and loving.
I don’t know anyone who is completely 100% honest with their significant other. I’m not even sure that it’s a good thing. I wouldn’t lie to him and tell him you’re a Virgin but you don’t need to go into detail about it