I feel as if I am at a milestone in my life that I will always keep special to myself.
For years I struggled with so many sins. I am almost 18, within all my teen years I steered myself away from God to indulge in Masturbation, Porn, Alcohol, Lust, Sexual Immorality, Lying, Stealing, Doubt in my faith/church. I knew about reconciliation and was the type of person who said: “Well I can just pray to God directly, I don’t need to tell a priest all my sins, what is the point?” So while I ‘struggled’ (or so that is what I used as an excuse to pretty much continue sinning in the end) I would pray; “God that was the last time I promise” “Oh God I am sorry, I won’t do that anymore” “God I promise after this time I won’t” . All those false promises and prayers were lies. I lied to GOD, Jesus, the Holy Spirit even when I’d ask for intercession from Mary. The sins and addictions I had built up had taken over, and I allowed my self to continue turning from God and what I knew was right, the weight of these sins were literally interfering with my everyday life. So young I felt depressed, I felt lost, like a liar, I literally had no desire to even believe in God because of where I was talking myself, I felt like too much of a hypocrite, too much of a liar to call myself catholic. I would take the Eucharist thinking if I would pray for forgiveness the day before I would be okay, but I was wrong. The guilt in my life was so immense I could feel it eating up my insides, I did have joy when I thought I let go of the addictions but it only lasted a few days, not even a whole week, and then I found myself where I started again. So I prayed for a way out, and it took YEARS.
It was not until recently that my aunt (Who is a devout Carmelite Nun) came to visit, and she spoke to me so much of God and his forgiveness and why we need to go to him and Jesus, why we need to pray sincerely, why we need the mass, and most importantly why we need to CONFESS.
She left on a Tuesday, her visit left such an impact on me that I went on the very next day to my church immediately after school. That day was interesting. I had so much fear in me to go confess. I knew God wanted me to go, I felt God calling me. Originally I was planning on going at the scheduled confession times but when the bell rang at school my urged grew and I went at once. I was determined to go. I arrived at the church, I entered, I asked to speak to a priest, I met with him, and I was so scared that I couldn’t explain why I was there. And then it came out, I said:
‘Father, I need to confess, I just need to confess.’
At the moment Father was preparing for the Wednesday Mass, he was busy, but he took time and we went to sit by the Eucharist.
‘Go talk to the lord’, he said, ‘and I will be right back’
I waited in front the Eucharist, the fear in me was so big I was praying to Jesus to give me strength. Then the priest came, he asked what was wrong. According to my priest, this was a regular confession, but when I said ‘this is my first confession Father’ I assumed I would be thrown out, but he was so kind, we pretty much went together to talk about why I was there and what I knew about confession. (I went to catholic school all my life so I had good knowledge on the sacrament of Reconciliation). My priest and I spoke for a while about Reconciliation, why I wanted to do it, What I knew and what I would have to do. Then we began.
I write this to tell you that this moment literally changed me immediately.
This was the first time I told ANYONE what I had done (the porn, the alcohol) and when I began telling my priest all my sins that I could remember, I felt as if the guilt inside of me was beginning to grow weaker, the weight on my back from sins was getting lighter. I was so ashamed, I looked at the floor most of the time, but Father was so calm, he did not condemn me (which was one of the reasons I feared confession). When I finished, he talked to me about what I had done, and how after this confession I would merely be on the beginning of my journey to turn from this sin and that temptation would come back but that I really need to resist with all my trust in Jesus and have faith. We continued with the confession until it was done, he assigned me penance, which was to go everday to a church and find the blessed sacrament and to talk to Jesus heart to heart for 15 minutes. I said the act of contrition and it was done.
The feeling I had when I finished confession was unexplainable. For the first time in my whole life I felt free. I felt happy. I was no longer scared, even today I am not scared to turn back into my past. God was calling me to get closer to him (as my priest told me) and I was answering his call, FINALLY. I felt so happy I wanted to cry, I wanted to go to bed that night and think to myself, ‘All these years and this is what you had to do, Why did you avoid this? Why were you afraid?’ This was the cure.
I basically wanted to post this because even me, a rebellious, lying, sinning teen went to confession for the first time when he was almost 18. I felt change immediately like I said earlier, and I praise God so much and thank him for what I did, and I think of my aunt and I thank God for sending her to visit us because she is the reason I looked to God finally, and truthfully. Please do not avoid confession! Since my confession the desire to go back to those sins has vanished, the temptation is no longer there. For so long I was depressed and worried over what I had done in the past, even when I wanted to not sin I still had the thoughts in my head which would eventually lead me to sin again, but after confession my mind is clear, clean and free, I felt as if I escaped the jail that I locked myself in for so long! The feeling of having all your sins forgiven (even the worst ones you’ve committed) is the most beautiful thing you can experience, please go to confession! Repent and turn to God, JUST DO IT!