The most difficult part hasn’t been giving up a major sinful lifestyle I was attached to (although there are others I have to work on).
I find it more difficult to believe God loves me. In my mind, I’m just a random anonymous person in a crowd that God is not conscious of. Even if I were to somehow make it to heaven, I want to be unseen by God. (The only other option is hell, and I definitely don’t want that.) I think if I can see others being happy with the Beatific Vision, then I will be content. The burden of having useless thoughts like these is not a fun experience.
Given all my imperfections and the consequences of the evil sins of my past, I just can’t conceive that God loves me. But I’m supposed to believe that as a Christian, right?
Reading about the heroic saints, part of me is inspired by their life…and part of me says, “I will never be like them. God does not love me because I am not like them — instead I am filled with all sorts of vices and evil inclinations.”
I have a suspicion that something’s not right here, but not sure what it is…
Do I lack faith and hope in God’s mercy? Have I fallen into the sin of despair and blasphemy against the Holy Spirit?