Like, I’ve been visiting an old lady at the hospital. She used to live at a home where I was working. I do things like that a lot (visiting people, caring for needy people), but on the other side then I am afraid of building up dependences and starting to feel too responsible for people… Today I was there and started thinking about that, about other planes I still had for my life and how I might be travelling again and then would the old lady understand? She has been very ill I think, hardly talking at all.
Suddenly I caught myself at the thought that well, very likely she wouldn’t live much longer anyway. Wow did I feel guilty!!! How could I even think anything like that??? Not that I wanted her to die, but just the THOUGHT of it… and it’s not the first time I think, but this time I guess I felt guiltier maybe because I was right there in front of her, thinking about how I was afraid it may become too much of a dependency, and even thinking of her death as a relief for me, not in those direct words, but that’s what it got down to, somehow… How can I even think something like that??
Now, does that mean I am taking on too much, OR does it mean I am too selfish and shouldn’t worry about dependenices and shouldn’t dream of living my own life and travelling etc???
What I did at the moment was tell her (I am not sure how much she understood) that I liked visiting her, asked her if she liked it when I came, and explain to her that I liked doing it when I could but of course I might be away again but we’d just have to take it as it comes… I believe in honesty, and I was afraid she may have felt some of her thoughts, so I felt like I needed to explain.
Then I went to the church close by and prayed and lit a candle.
Something similar happened years ago with a homeless guy I felt responsible for, I went to check on him every day, and then one day when they again had to take him to the hospital (he was a severe alcoholic at the time) and he looked quite ill I suddenly caught myself at the though that it would somehow be a relief for me if he died. Yikes did I scare myself with that thought then too!!!
Do you ever have thoughts like that? I talked to my Mom on the phone today, she said it was just human, that it was normal. Anybody else? Are thoughts like that sinful?